Help getting back to 'me' again

[smelliefant]

I'm off work at the moment with depression and severe anxiety, have started ADS and have a 'talking therapy' assessment booked. It's taken me months to admit something was wrong, I ruined Christmas and I've spent the last week crying. I just want it to stop. I'm feeling guilty about the time off, and guilty that I've hurt people who are now worried about me, and guilty that my partner has to work and is being so lovely while I'm being horrible to him. How the hell can I move on?

So sorry you are feeling this way! I had a similar experience a year ago and recognise the feelings of guilt and fear that you won't move on. I have and you will, but while you are units horrible. When did you start the AD's? they worked wonders for me

In it not unit

Best way to 'move on' is to stop talking to yourself in such negative ways. The only way to get better is to start being kinder to yourself, it sounds cliche and soppy, but if you are talking yourself down internally all of the time then of course you're going to be letting off anger or upset outwardly - I recommend the book 'The compassionate mind' by Paul Gilbert, It genuinely helped me in the height of my anxiety which was effecting and 'ruining' (hate using that term as 'I ruin things' is a core belief of mine that I have overcome somewhat but still battle with, don't know if this is true for you too but it sounds like it might be) mine and my families lives at the time.
You need to extend kindness and love to yourself, you are going through a tough time, think of yourself as a child coming to you for help - If a child sat in front of you and told you they were ruining everything, they are horrible etc you would likely give a hug and some love - Do that for yourself. Read the book I recommended, get some CBT, start doing yoga and meditation or other things that seem like an effort at the moment, but will make you feel better once you are used to doing them... It is so hard to get out of, it takes time to reach the place of being ready to push past it and show love to yourself, I relapse and have bouts of anxiety still, but I haven't sunken as low as I did before all of the things I started doing to get better.
I really hope you are able to make steps towards feeling less down and anxious as it's a horrible place to be, guilt is a horrible thing so try to be less hard on yourself and give yourself some forgiveness

Thank you both.

Hope you are feeling a little better today OP? I found the ADs started kicking in at week 3 and I felt so much better, hope it's the case for you too x

Excellent advice from SackGirl about being kind to yourself. This is a new skill and it takes time to learn but gets so much easier with practice. Start noticing things that you get right, and things that you do well, however small - notice them and praise yourself for them. Start to slowly build up a positive voice in your head, instead of the negative critical voice that is part of depression.

Re the guilt, what would you say to a friend who was experiencing what you're going through right now? If you had a broken leg, would you be feeling guilty about needing time out and needing to be taken care of for a while? Mental health issues are no different to physical health issues in that respect, and they are nothing to be ashamed of.

Why about talking therapy? I've been seeing a psychotherapist for several years and she has helped me more than I can possibly say. Therapy has probably been the biggest factor in my recovery, its been the hardest thing I've ever done but also by far the best thing I've ever done for myself. Ask questions if you're not sure what to expect - lots of us have experience of various types of talking therapy

Yes I've had a more positive day today. Lotta you're right - I shouldn't pull faces at the idea of talking. I think it was worry about being judged. But I had a really productive phone appt today with a local provider who I feel like gave me 'permission' to feel up or down or whatever without feeling guilty. And thanks to you guys too. I really appreciate the advice.

They think I might be suitable for CBT - an 8 week course. They're sending me some stuff thru but I'd love to hear from anyone about what it's like. I know it's the anxiety talking, but I'm worried about setting goals - it's all sounding a bit like work and making me feel overwhelmed. Thanks you all again.