Please reassure me that I'm still doing alright.

[MummySparkle]

Just that really. I'm coping, and I'm getting through, but I'm worried at the moment that I'm slipping.

I've got a long history of MH stuff since being a teenager. Since having the DCs I haven't been right at all. I was hospitalised in October, given new medication and had been doing really well.

This week I am struggling. I know lack of sleep is a real trigger for me and I haven't been sleeping very well lately. I do sleep, but every night I'm constantly having really crazy dreams. Some are just normal dreams, but a bit more vivid. Others are me running away from DP trying to get tablets so I can overdose. I'm not really having those thoughts during the day time at the moment l, so I don't know why they are plaguing my dreams. My new meds also seem to be causing night sweats. I wake up most nights drenched and feeling crap. The worst is if I have to go in to DS and then I come back to a cold and damp bed. I just want to sleep.

I don't know, I just feel a bit lost. I miss the routine of a 'normal' week in this household. Nursery, work, DCs going to MILs / DMs house. I like structure and routine. I'm quitting smoking, went cold turkey yesterday morning. I'm doing well, but again I miss the routine of having a smoke in the morning / before bed etc.

I guess I can just feel lots of negativity creeping in and I'm not really sure how to stop it in its tracks. I really don't want to be ill again. But I'm not sure what to do to stop it.

Oh MS I remember you well and know you were having a tough time fairly recently. If you feel yourself slipping I think you need to see the GP or do you have a CPN - if so get in touch with her. I remember you were having strong suicidal thoughts. It could be that you are just out of your routine, but it doesn't sound good if you are having lots of negative thoughts.

Maybe your meds needing changing or the dose increased.

Thank you Nina

I think my new meds do need tweaking, they are still on a low dose, so have the potential to go up. The other meds could go up a bit too.

I need to go back to my GP and force them to do detailed bloodwork to check that my thyroid is okay. (They keep only doing half the test, despite my having an underactive thyroid )

My CPN has been off since Christmas Eve, she's back on Monday so I'll phone her if I get a chance. I have an appointment on Wednesday, but I need to check what time it is.

I don't know really, I just don't feel right. I'm hoping that once I get back into a routine then things will get easier. But 9 times it of 10, if I don't feel right then I do start to slip

I just caved and had my first cigarette of the year this evening.

DP is worried about me. I didn't tell him I was popping outside and he automatically assumed that I was planning to harm. He even called me to check I was okay. If he's worried then I'm probably slipping.

I thought about calling the mental health matters helpline, but I wouldn't know why to say. Don't really want to call the crisis team in case I don't get a nice person. I've just got to hang on until Monday, call con and try and get a GP appointment for asap. I've taken a few bedtime kalms in the hopes il get some sleep tonight. Fingers crossed DS doesn't constantly wake up through the night again.

2016 was supposed to be a new year with a fresh start. So far I've just felt really crap

Sparkle,
The very fact that you can post some comments seems to be a good start. Mental illness is much like any other illness in that recovey takes time. You woukd not expect to go to hispital with a TB or food poisoning infection and walk out the same afternoon completely cured. You would know it will take some for the meds to work.

It is pretty much the same for mental health. I remember listening to Richard Hammond after he was in that awful crash. He was saying that evey month he would write in his diary that he now felt better and that last month he didn't really know he still ill. In the end he realised it takes time to recover and he just let himself flow along until he was recovered.

And the weather doesn't help. It is pouring rain here in Essex at the moment. I always feel more fed up when it rains... Winter is always followed by spring.

Thank you professor

I feel a little brighter today. I think the Kalms help end, and the DCs didn't wake up during the night which was a bonus. I think lack of sleep is a huge trigger for me. I can be fine, then 1 night without much sleep and all of the negative thoughts come rushing in. I guess it shows how close they are to the surface even though I feel okay most of the time.

Had an playing day, DP has man flu so I spent the morning looking after him, then the afternoon buying a new car seat and doing food shopping. My mum came along and paid for the food for me - win!

I guess I'm a little stressed at the moment. Our bank accounts are completely empty after Christmas. We deliberately spent as little as possible, but it all seems to have gone somewhere. I have to pay £500 off my Argos card this month which is going to be hard to find. It feels like one thing after another.

The DCs have been ill for over a month. DS in particular has had 1 or 2 days of being well and then cold after cold after cold. And conjunctivitis too Today he seems to be finally over that one he's had for the last week or so, I really feel for him. And now DP is ill, and DD is coughing. What I want to be doing is sleeping and looking after myself. What I'm actually doing is running around after everyone else.

My house is a mess. We turned the basement room into a playroom, but that means that all of the office / craft things that were down there need new homes. Loads of things are in the garage, but there is still lots down there, I don't know where to put it all. I need to empty out DPs wardrobe, put the trings on top of my wardrobe into the bottom of his, and then put my craft bits on top of my wardrobe. I also need to measure up the alcove in the playroom to make a bookcase that will fit in there. The walls have been damp-proofed so we can't drill into them.

Then there's the Christmas tree to go away, the computer table to build so I can finally get that out of the kitchen, and more random bits of furniture to go. In desperate need of doing a boot fair, but obviously it's not the right time of year for that. I've got boxes and boxes of the DCs clothes to sort through and sell / donate too. I don't want to leave them in the garage too long in case the mice get them.

You know when you feel like there is far too much to do, nowhere near enough time and you just don't have the energy?

Bleerrrrrg! Sorry, this feels like it's been quite long. Once I start typing it all just seems to flow out.

Hi MS, I remember you from a while ago. Sorry you're feeling that things are starting to get a bit out of control again. Do you have any techniques or methods that you can use to help break it all down so it seems more manageable? Just an idea, I can't really think of anything else to say, just wanted to say well done for how well you're coping