How to cope with being an absolute failure?

[ButterBrickle]

I am writing here because I need to get it out. The black dog is well and truly out of his kennel today. He's so far out of the kennel he's on my lap.

I know i'm a failure, I know i've fucked up my life so far, I know that i'm a burden on my parents.

I moved home about two years ago after a relationship breakdown, i've been ever since, i'm 30 years old, I should have my independence, my own life but in reality I just just sit in my room all day. On my laptop.

I had a good job, but I gave it up to work in another place, but due to my back getting worse, I lasted a week, i'm now unemployed, in pain, and obviously this is having an effect on my mental health.

I've not got any friends, I don't do well around people at all, I am so fucking awkward it's probably painful to watch me around other people. I can fake it to a certain degree, but crippling shyness together with no self confidence will win out in the end. I act at work, but it's not natural.

I haven't accomplished anything of any value, no children, no independence, i'm a drain on everyone. Especially my poor parents, i've got to be an embarrassment to them, their daughter is a failure.

I'm not sure why i'm writing this, I just needed to get it out.

Thank you for replying

Yes I am being treated, i'm waiting for cbt, and was on citalopram on and off for two years, it stopped working a couple of months ago and I was given fluoxetine, it was great at first I felt 'normal', but slowly the feeling are coming back, it's almost like yesterday I was positive, i've got an interview for a job on Wednesday and I was fine I had all these plans in my head, but today I feel like i'm back to square one.

In reality I know that I'm just having a rough patch, and I know I will get over it, but all these bad thoughts and feelings are taking over. I've just taken some muscle relaxers i've been prescribed for my back, hopefully they'll calm me down.

I think a trip to the dr's is in order. I do feel better that i've gotten it out.

Ah sweetheart. I know you probably feel like 30 is the age where you should have all sorts figured out, but it's really not the end of the road.
I was briefly living in my uncles attic at 28, no job no credit, no belongings, even (long story!) I felt the same as you, I really did, but nearly a decade later my life is very different. Not saying it's perfect, but I have a full life now.
It's really overwhelming to try and face all your problems at once, and will leave you just sitting immobile, staring into the void.
What you need to do is tackle the issues in small steps, one by one. As each small problem is solved (and they can be really small things, tackle the little things first) you will start to feel more confident.
Remember that everyone feels awkward and shy sometimes, some are just better at hiding it. Don't judge your insides by other people's outsides. Get excercise, outdoors, even if it's just a long walk. Running helped me in the same situation, it clears the mind. Talk to the doc about your me ds, and make sure you are accessing all help available.
It's amazing how much can change when you start to tackle things systematically.

There's your back and then there's your depression, you need to be treated for both. Obviously they are linked, too.

With your back, have you exhausted every avenue with regard to getting it sorted? I know it's so hard to follow up on things when you're feeling low. I was absolutely immobile with back pain and seeing a physio (who gave me exercises that made things worse) and someone kept urging me to try an osteopath. I kept putting it off as I just didn't have the energy to pursue it but eventually I went and it sorted me out. I hadn't realised how low the pain had been making me until it went. Lack of pain and ability to move around / go for walks etc made a massive difference to my mood.

About being 30 and not being in a relationship etc. OP listen to me. 30 might seem old, as it's the oldest you've ever been, but I promise you it isn't. Get yourself back on your feet and feeling well and strong and all the other life stuff will fall into place. You are not a failure, you're just going through a tough time right now. You have lots and lots of life left to live.

Thank you all

The interview may have something to do with it, but i've been looking forward to the opportunity, it sounds strange but interviews don't normally phase me, I just go into chatty-happy-Icandoanything mode and i'm fine.

My back is definitely intertwined with my mental health, I've had physio, i'm currently on four different medications, there's bound to be some kind of interaction with them and i'm waiting for a referral to the spine clinic, hopefully that'll come soon. I'm going to call to get an appointment with my gp on Monday, thankfully he is the mental health specialist in the surgery.

I used to run, I used to be active, but I can barely walk at the moment, even though if you shook me i'd rattle. It is draining being in constant pain, I had an appointment on Tuesday, and he felt my spine, he got to a certain point and I nearly shot through the roof of the room, and I think I may have kicked him in the face

I am feeling a little better, probably because of the muscle relaxers. But the black dog is slowly retiring back into his kennel. I've realised that i've been through stuff before, I got through it, and I will get through it again. It just gets tiring sometimes. I think I just needed to talk to someone. So thank you again for listening

The smiley face was to keep your chin up. It's good to talk on here I'm on sertraline they help. A lot!! I've got 3 kids 8, 1, and 10 weeks and I'm going back to work Monday. you will be ok do you have kids?

Thank you Claire

No I haven't got any children, it's never been on my radar, I don't think I have a maternal bone in my body. And I can barely function to look after myself right now, so I'm not sure it's a bad thing that I haven't got any. Maybe one day that fabled biological clock will start ticking.

I started flouoxitine about 6 weeks ago after being on citalopram on and off for 2 years. And it has changed things for me, but sometimes I just feel like a square peg in a round hole. Like I should have all this stuff figured out, then because I don't the feeling of failure sinks in. I think I might need to invest in some proper therapy lol there's so much going on in my head that I think it might might be a good idea.

Sorry, good luck for Monday

You aren't a failure. You are unwell.
No one would say I am a failure because I have asthma or pneumonia.
You can get well. You deserve to get well.
I can totally understand the effect back pain has on mental health. I've never felt so low as when my back was at its worst.

Thank you. I've managed to get an appointment for tomorrow morning, I'm having panic attacks and severe anxiety attacks. I think I'm going nuts.

I can see nothing but black right now, and I know that I've been here before, but I'm just sick of it. Completely sick of it. What's the point if I'm just going to go round in circles. Up and down all the time.

Well that was a waste of time

I didn't get to see my usual dr, I saw a fresh of med school dr who has dismissed my back pain as being in my head. And that yes you are depressed but you need to wait for talking therapies.

I asked what I should do in the meantime? Go out with friends. Um I haven't got any I've managed to lose them all.

Thinking of you butterbrickie.. Hope the interview goes ok. I'm 48 and still suffer with the shyness thing. It's simply who I am. I know that doesn't help people like us out when we've GOT to be sociable, but I'm at the stage now where there's no way I'm gonna be beating myself up for who I am... It's sort of like....a type of middle aged rebellion on my part...and it helps.. Some people are chatty all the time, some aren't. Neither is better.

I also don't really do friends.. That probably makes me sound like a total misery, but I immerse myself in too many other things, hobbies and the like.. The difference between us is the parents issue and the backpain. I was out of my parents at 30 but times were SO different back then. These days....who the heck can ever afford to get out of the parents home when rents/house prices are what they are... It's very, very difficult. In my day, it was doable. If I was in your situ, I'd keep trying for a job and look for a shared house with similar aged people (even though that involves some level of socialising, granted). So many people your age are having to live in shared homes.. and I think as time goes on, it'll become pretty much the norm for most ordinary folk..

Either way, good luck with the job situation. And try not to be so hard on yourself as far as your personality goes. Being extremely shy isn't something to be down on yourself for.... not really... Hugs mate :)

Butter, that was terrible from your Go, do not let that settle, I have had acute back pain and been off work for 8 weeks now and yes it does affect your mental health, I became quite depressed and anxious believing I was never going to improve. I'm also caring for my mentally ill son, so a lot going on here. But back pain and depression are two different issues and must be treated individually. I hope your job interview went well. 30, is still young. Do not worry about age, it isn't a race, I'm 55 and looking at starting a new career, age is just a number! X

That was meant to be GP....!

Thank you for the kind words

I fluffed the interview, completely. I didn't get it, but, it's all experience.

I've got my initial telephone consultation for talking therapies, and an appointment at the spine clinic next week, so that's progress there. And I need to make a review appointment for my antidepressants.

I'm going to write down all my symptoms for the spine clinic, my meds and whatnot.

I think this is helping too, just writing everything down.

How are you?

Yes, how are you? X

Thank you for asking, i'm doing great today. I'm feeling and thinking clear if that makes sense i've applied for 15 jobs and have gotten a shower, dressed, i'm going to do my hair. Whereas this time last week I didn't see the point in living. I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't eat, didn't wash for days (I know gross). This is what I mean by up and down.

The dr that spoke to me last week wants to talk to me today, and she booked a telephone appointment to call me. I need a prescription for my fluoxetine, so the timing is good.

I hope everyone is doing ok today

Good news! X