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Whats the point of counselling its making me feel worse

17 replies

Bexybear · 14/12/2006 22:14

Has anyone had sucessful counselling? Im on my third week of a 15 week course for PND. I thought it would give me coping strategies and help me to feel better about myself but maybe this isnt what counsellors do. I cant talk to her we just sit there in silence and then she says 'how do you feel about sitting in silence...' i come away from the sessions feeling like ive falied at that as well...I know that sounds daft...did i just have unrealistic expectations? should i just ask the doc for some ADs? help!

OP posts:
mummypig · 14/12/2006 22:26

Hi Bexybear, that doesn't sound very helpful, it sounds like you could do with a different counsellor. It might be difficult to ask for a new one though, how do you feel about it? Or you could go in next time and say "I thought today we could talk about coping strategies" - setting your own agenda rather than seeing what she's going to do.

Counsellors seem to have quite different approaches. I had one similar to the one you are describing and I felt the sessions were pretty useless tbh, so I stopped after the second or third one. But I had sessions with a different person who called herself a Gestalt practicioner and I think used a bit of cognitive behavioural therapy as well, based at the Cambridge Body Psychotherapy Centre and she helped a lot. There were still some sessions with her when I came out feeling worse than before, but I think that was usually because we'd been going through something that needed to get out in the open.

I went to her privately, though, as I was told it would take about 6 months to see anyone on the NHS and I just didn't feel I could wait that long.

YuleTideways · 14/12/2006 22:28

Bexy, what were you expecting to happen?

Tommy · 14/12/2006 22:30

I did one lot of counselling that was a bit like that - sitting in silence and not knowing what to say - I thought the least she could have done was ask me questions to get me to open up!

After that and a few years later, I did some group therapy type counselling which was quite hard work but worth it in the end

Avalon · 14/12/2006 22:35

Aren't counsellors supposed to let you make the running, though? You say something and then they reflect it back to you.

A friend's done a counselling course and I seem to remember her saying they're not allowed to suggest anything. So the sessions are for you to explore your feelings and come to any conclusions/decisions yourself. I think their role is to help you do that.

Avalon · 14/12/2006 22:39

That should have been help

Someone correct me if I've got that wrong about counsellors.

YuleTideways · 14/12/2006 22:44

Depends what type of counselling? There is a model that doesn;t really say much at all and leaves long silences if the client doesn't talk, but it isn't really fair on a new client (imho) to do that.

A more person-centred counsellor might be better for you if you don't like the huge silences. Or if you try CBT, there's more of a "relationship" between counsellor and client and you work together to achieve your aims, none of these huge silences.

It is hard work though. you can't really expect results if you are not prepared to put a lot of work into it, and that may mean opening yourself up to some painful stuff!

Bexybear · 14/12/2006 22:46

Glad its not just me Tommy... that is it exactly how I feel....not even a question...i never know where to start...and she never looks in the slightest bit interested when i do start...

mummypig I wasnt sure about asking for another one in case thats what they are all like! not sure what type it is. Maybe i need a different type, problem is we have no money and this current counselling is free..

Yule - Im not sure i had expectations I just know what i need and that is strategies for getting through the shit days...

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mummypig · 14/12/2006 22:52

I think it depends on what type of counselling they practise. The counselling I really didn't appreciate was psychodynamic counselling where they do exactly what you described, Avalon, and reflect everything back to you, revealing nothing about themselves. It's quite strongly rooted in Freud so if your counsellor actually says anything to you, bexybear, you'll probably find she gets you to talk about your own childhood and will imply that any problems are due to whatever you experienced then.

In humanistic counselling they see the relationship between the counsellor and the client as very important, and I certainly find this a far more helpful approach.

There's some info on the BACP pages about different approaches. They often don't do this, but I think counsellors should explain their approach to clients before the sessions start. It seems clear to me that most people will benefit more from some approaches and less from others.

The BACP does suggest that "if you're not sure about the first counsellor you see, it is better to arrange to see another." I think often surgeries have more than one counsellor attached to them, so you could perhaps find out if it's possible to change?

also there are some really really useful self-help suggestions regarding PND on the netmums site here if you haven't seen it already. I personally find practical suggestions like these far better than sitting in a room in silence feeling uncomfortable.

Thinking of you, bexybear

Bexybear · 14/12/2006 22:54

Hi Yule

It sounds like that is the model my counsellor is working with....

I do realise its not meant to be a party but I feel like i have done quite a bit of work on my own trying to work stuff out. Only we havnt got anywhere near that in the sessions because I feel so inhibited...

Also I know this is wrong as counsellors dont need to have been through what their clients have to help them, but there is no way she has had children and I feel like she hasnt got a clue what im talking about...

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YuleTideways · 14/12/2006 22:55

Sounds quite psychodynamic to me, they keep pretty much a blank expression on their faces, so that you don't pick up on any reactions and tailor what you say as a result of that. I think it can seem quite cold and impersonal but there is a reason for it.

Avalon · 14/12/2006 22:56

Thanks for that post mummypig.

Interesting links.

YuleTideways · 14/12/2006 22:59

The point is not for the counsellor to have experienced everything the client has, as you realise, but to be able to help the client explore things.

Perhaps it might help if you were to say that you are uncomfortable with things or ask her to say more about her approach. BUT, if it's a "hard-core" psychodynamic counsellor, they won't really answer you but will just reflect back your questions and use them as material to work with.

mummypig · 14/12/2006 23:00

Also, I don't know where in the country you are but there are some places where you can get free or low-cost counselling even if it's not through your GP. My dad used to work for this place in Birmingham and as it says on the page, there are a variety of different counsellors, not all Christians (if that puts you off).

A Google search for 'low cost counselling' and a city name seems to throw up lots of options.

Bexybear · 14/12/2006 23:14

Thanks for all ths info on different approaches..I have a much better idea what she is trying to do and yes, Yule, you described it exactly...When i did try and talk about what we were doing she just reflected it all back which was very frustrating...!

Mummypig thanks for all the links. The netmums site looks really useful it all made so much sense...wish i had a PND dianosis earlier and read this type of thing when i really needed it...

I think i will stick with this counsellor for a few more weeks and if its still making me upset i will ask for a different counsellor. That feels easier to do if i can say that the type of counseliing isnt working for me rather than sounding like i dont like her and im just being fussy..The women who did the inital assessment session was great so maybe she would understand..

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divastrop · 15/12/2006 20:13

i saw a councellor who was like this,i only saw her twice then i couldnt be bothered any more,it just didnt work for me as i knew why i felt crappy i just needed to explore ways to move on.
i see a person-centred councellor atm,that is ok for the time beiung,but many people on here have said that CBT is brilliant.
its awful seeing a councellor who doesn othing to help you open up IMO,i also came away feeling it was yet another thing i'd failed at.but with most types of councelling i think you tend to go through a stage of feeling worse before you feel better if you have been talking about stuff that youve buried.

Bexybear · 17/12/2006 14:44

Hi divastrop
Its a real relief to get posts from people who have had the same experience. I think i will need to find a different cousellor when ive got as far as i can with this one but where do you start? I feel like i need some advice on what sort of couselling would work for me but where to get this? My current counselling is through MIND and i had an assesment so i kind of assumed that they would provide me with someone appropriate.
Like you i feel like i know what the problem is i just need to find ways of dealing with it...several people mentioned CBT maybe i will look into it... anyway sorry for waffling! still trying to process all this...

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MrsOhHu · 19/12/2006 18:37

There seem to be so many different kinds of councelling/therapy and so many different approaches, it's hard to know which one will suit you. In fact, unless you are trained yourself, it is probably impossible to know. I've seen an awful lot of psychologists/councellors/therapists/psychiatrists over the years and they all offer slightly different things depending on their particular training and interests. It's also really hard to know what works - if it really worked, why do some forms of therapy go on and on and on? Why do people go back for more? I think it takes a while to get to trust someone, and there are people who you just don't trust, whatever they're like with you. There's a lot of trial and error. If this person doesn't seem to help, don't give up - there will be someone who can!

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