I don't feel well. Don't know what's wrong.

[Quatrefoil]

I should have everything going for me. I know I'm blessed to have the things in my life I have. Two lovely DC, a kind and attentive partner (new relationship), a job I like, friends, enough money to manage, family who care about me.

Most of the time I cope with life just fine - I'm happy, I think.

Yet sometimes I just feel like I'm falling into a black hole. I feel sad, angry, guilty, joyless and full of self-loathing.

Some of the things that I think bother me are:

The break up of my marriage - long and messy and painful. I still loved him when I left him. It was his behaviours (alcoholism and others) that forced me to sever the connection. We were together for a very long time. It hurt like hell to leave. I don't regret it - his life is a chaotic mess still and mine is stabilising - and I am with someone really lovely now, far more suitable for me than my ex ever was. But sometimes I still feel bereft over what was lost. I was so comfortable in my old relationship even though it had insurmountable problems. Now I am totally unsure of myself, my new partner (who is so very different from my ex) and whether I can rely on him long term to provide what I need in a relationship. I miss the stability I guess, which is a fucking joke because my ex is a useless feckless mess.

Guilt over that and worry that it is fucking up my DCs childhood. That I am fucking up their childhood by not being a good enough parent. I shout, I am not as engaged or fun as I feel I should be. I am finding parenting really hard at the moment especially as a single parent and now the DC are growing up more. I was great with babies but I don't feel I know what I'm doing with an 8 and 4 year old.

My weight. 3 stones over. Cannot stick to any weight loss plan yet every minute of every day it bothers me.

II can be happy one day and totally down the next. When I wake up on a downer (like today) I just feel so sorry for my DC. I can get them dressed, organised, breakfasted and off to school OK but I am shouty, miserable, cold to them. And they are desperately trying to reach me but I feel so distant. I am not always like this, but often enough that I think it really isn't fair on them.

I don't like myself very much right now.

What's wrong with me? How do I get better?

You have been through so much in your previous relationship and it sounds as though you are experiencing loss of that relationship, not unlike a bereavement.
Loss is tough to deal with and professional help might really help you - I'm thinking talking therapy.
I think with help to work through old history and old issues you will find it easier to focus on and enjoy the present more.
For now congratulate yourself on how far you have come and all that you have achieved for yourself and your kids - it's huge.

I agree with congratulating yourself, that must've been really difficult. Not to mention the general sense of failure when a marriage ends. I don't think you're being at all silly in feeling down about your weight. You start by listing all the things you have going for you in an attempt at positive thinking/gratitude, but I can't imagine anyone could ever be close to happy at 3 stones over weight. I'd certainly be miserable.
I think if you did something about that in the new year you'd feel loads better, more able to cope with other things, and less self loathing. Good luck