Damage to marriage

[CryingMummy]

I have done considerable damage to my marriage throug undiagnosed and untreated depression. I am now on ADs and feel much more like myself buty Husband is alienated to the extent he had two affairs (not a correct response, he has acknowledged) and blames me for making him a harder person after the hurt I caused. Has anyone come back from this?

Why has your illness made your husband have affairs & 'harden'? Being depressed is not a misdemeanour for which you deserve a punishment!

Maybe your marriage has done considerable damage to you rather than the other way round?

My DHs Depression has damaged our marriage. But guess what- I haven't had 1 affair let alone 2! Because I am not an arsehole.

Some thought provoking responses so far.....

I said some really stupid and unkind things when I was at my lowest and, apparently "broke his heart". He says he tried for years but that was the final straw. There is the physical manifestation of years of illness (hoarding, not as bad as some but bad enough) and debt.

He acknowledges my moods are much more stable and that it is pleasanter to be at home (he travels a lot for work) but he says at the back of his mind is the wonder when I will lose it again. Other ways of showing the fog has lifted, like keeping to a budget, are impossible to speed-up, as time alone will show it. I am getting rid of loads of stuff but there is a lot and I also care for a number of children alone in the week ...

My better half suffered years of unreasonable behaviour from me until I was finally mediated and managed.

Recently she has said it is the loneliest place to be. Can I suggest you get your hubby to get help. Living with a depressive is very difficult. You have an illness, but he has also suffered from your illness. It is not, repeat not your fault any more than it would be your fault if you got appendicitis or cancer.

Of course, if you got cancer, he would get respite care to give him a break from the strain of looking after you. Sadly we have not yet got as far as respite care for the partners of people with depression.

Good luck and keep posting..

Sorry if I was abrupt, you did rather touch a nerve and I assumed more people would reply with more helpful advice.

The things you said to him will have hurt- I know what it is like to carry words like that around for years. Apologising - fully and unreservedly - will help.

Then time will heal - as you say the longer term things take longer to 'prove'. Damage caused by depression to an individual or couple cannot be fixed in a short space of time (worse luck for all of us).

But the hard truth is your DH should not have had an affair 'just' because he was lonely and upset by your behaviour. You lashing out in illness did NOT cause him to choose to betray your marriage and he has to accept his own part in all this -fully and unreservedly- .

Whether or not you can come back from the double whammy of depression and infidelity I can't tell you - but I would imagine it is only possible if both parties are willing to accept fault, work hard and change your responses.

good luck!

he says at the back of his mind is the wonder when I will lose it again

Well sorry to say to OP's H you are quits then because not only do you have the heartache of knowing he had two affairs (at least two he admits to), you also have the fear he will do it again.

I am not saying that he had an easy time of it before you sought help and were diagnosed, but he lost the moral high ground. Furthermore if there are children in the mix what thought did he give to their stability, how was his escape from an unhappy domestic situation designed to help them?

I would look into professional counselling for both of you trying to deal with that hurt.

We are having counselling.