please anyone help me

[NowSissyThatWalk]

I'm a regular on AIBU but never ventured here before. Not NC'd but i can't figure out how to do it and I don't care. I will try to keep it brief.
I need help. Please help me.
Separated from my fiancée in May. Moved in with friends. Met someone new in June. Fell madly in love. Very rollercoaster relationship. Signed off work with severe depression in September. Never had it before. Think everything just had hit me. On 20mg Citalopram and counselling soon. Made redundant in October. Last few days it seems the new rollercoaster relationship is ending again.
All friends and family say is how I've got through it and how proud they are. But I'm slipping back. I'm slipping so far down. It's like a grim reaper with a black cloak is enveloping me and I just don't care.
Currently in the process of applying for my dream career in public service that I have worked so hard for for two years but I now don't care if I get in or not.
Had such a bad panic attack yesterday that I wet myself.
I have amazing family. Amazing friends. But I can't tell them I'm getting worse, they'll get bored of it, it was dealt with, it's done, I beat it.
But I didn't beat it.
I can't do this. It feels like one step forward and two back. I just want to be happy. I just want my life back.
I either cry uncontrollably or feel nothing. Please help me. I'm sorry. Please help.

You need to tell people you're close to how you feel and that you need help. You've said they are amazing - they will be amazing again. I've been seriously (physically) ill many times now. Doesn't mean my loved ones roll their eyes about it. They still support me. Give yours a chance to support you. It's not all done with yet, that's not your fault, it's just how it is.

Didn't want to read and run. Do you have someone in rl you can talk to? Someone who you can be this honest with?
You said you are on citalopram, how long have you been on it? It can take a month or so to take effect, and 20mg may not be a high enough dose. Worth checking in with your GP to talk about how you are feeling.

But maybe ending the relationship at this stage will give you time to concentrate on yourself, take one step at a time. Carry on applying for the dream job, remind yourself how far you have come. Inside, you know you still want that job.

Look after yourself, and don't be afraid of speaking to people in rl.

Thank you for your replies.
I know I should talk to them but it's hard. I feel so weak for letting it come back again.
I've been on Citalopram for about 3 months. It started amazing but now it's like it's stopped working?
I don't care about whether I live or die. Even typing this is like it's too much effort. I'm just staring at the wall. I'm so scared.

You're not weak. Depression is very hard to fight. Ring someone right now and say you need company urgently because you feel awful. And get on to your doctor on Monday to see if you need a review of your meds.

I'm at home. My friends are downstairs. They're having a nice Saturday night before he goes to his Christmas work do I can't bother them.
To be honest there's nothing I could say anyway. I'm just staring. If I was crying it would be different but it is like I am a ghost. I have to snap myself out of it. But I don't care. So I can't.

Just ask them to keep you company. Don't feel you need to perform for them. You deserve support. I needed my citalopram upped to 40mg in 10mg increments. Relationships, redundancy and applying for jobs are hugely stressful, so no wonder you're still not through the woods.

Thank you Lazy. A small as it sounds that actually helps a lot to hear. Even one of these things within the space of 7 months could have tipped me over the edge but all at once it's been like a freight train.
What can I do to shake off this numbness?

you HAVE beat it!! you have had a set back that is all. You are going to feel bad because you thought this new relationship is going some where. it hasn't and its ok to feel shit and its ok to feel like you've hit a brick wall.

It is not ok to let it ruin your chances of the career you have worked so hard. So you have choices - you put your. application on hold if you can. hibernate until you feel more stable and start again or you continue to put one foot in front of the other and plough through.

20mg citalopram wasn't enough for me. i chose to change to escitalopram which is effectively the same but "purer" so 20mg =40mg citalopram. ive had 40mg citalopram before but it made me sluggush. its ok to go to your dr and say you are struggling.

cut yourself some slack - life has not been kind to you this year but it can and will get better.

Will third the suggestion that you need the dose of citalopram upping. 20mg is just a starter dose really. I was taking 40mg, then it started working. Please go back to your gp and explain how you're feeling and I'm sure the dose will be increased. You've got several very stressful things going at once so not at all surprising that you're low. Take good care x

I also agree about talking to doctors about upping the meds. They always chuck you on 10-20 to start with. For some that's enough but others need higher.

It is just a setback. If they are good friends (and it sounds like they are) then they will want to help. Let them

You did this before and you can do it again. Maybe now you need to focus on this new job rather than relationship. Let go of that if you need to and focus on healing and moving forward. You can do it.

Just know that these events will pass and you will feel the sunshine in your life again. That can be a bit hard to believe when you're down but it's true. Go easy, you're not well. Have you tried cognitive behavioural therapy? It helped me a lot. Can you exercise? A wee run round the block should help shake off a bit of that numbness. Sounds so trite but it's worth a go?