Don't want to continue

[Paulie82]

Hi I had a partner for 3 years and I thought he was so nice and kind especially after two violent relationships. Then last year I was sexually assaulted by my sons dad who I've not been with for 14 years. I tried to keep it together but ended up with psychosis. My boyfriend of 3 years was very supportive and it made me love him even more. I really trusted him too. We never argued he was just so nice. I started getting a bit better and then one day out of the blue he came to mine and told me he'd been cheating on me and I was absolutely heart broken. I've never got over it. It was probably because I've already got kids as he had none. I met someone else but not as a boyfriend because he's not interested due to me having kids. It doesn't matter how nice I am or how hard I work or how much I try to be a good person I'm just not girlfriend material for anyone. Anyway today I saw something my friend commented on and it was a picture of my ex boyfriend of three years with the woman he cheated on me with. And it's just really broke my heart. I feel such a fool and I'm only here for people to use and hurt me. I've spent the rest of the day thinking of a way out of the pain as I don't think I can continue anymore. I really can't cope with the pain. I've made plans in my head about who can look after my children so I can just go. I've thought of what best way to end it and I just don't know what to do.

Hi OP

Please don't do this to your children, they'd never ever recover. I know it's really hard (I was under the Crisis Team earlier this year) but please focus on that to get you through the next few days/weeks. Are you still under a mental health team? If so, please contact them urgently, if not, please get to your GP asap. I can't promise it will suddenly get better, but you can get past this.

I'm sorry if what I'm saying sounds trite, I honestly do understand what rock bottom feels like and I'm still working my way back up but I am getting there.

That's the problem. There is only so many times you can pick yourself up and I've done it far too many times. I'm tired of it all. I don't see a future that isn't full of pain as always. I feel cursed.

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you seem to place a lot of value on being someone's girlfriend, is there any way for you to improve your self-esteem so you value yourself? I know it's difficult, I'm currently trying to work through this myself, having recently got out of a toxic relationship.

No I don't think that. I feel it's the hurt and feeling like a fool when someone you love dearly cheats on you. The pain of that is my problem.

How old are your children? I'm only asking as mine are 5 and 3 and are absolutely my protective factors when ever the urge to end it all becomes intrusive.

Paulie I understand where you are completely - the picking yourself up so many times before and getting more and more tired of life each time. My dcs are teenagers now (just) and the protective element is going.
It really is just taking one step at a time and if necessary not even thinking about the next 5 minutes, just getting thro the seconds and minutes.
Try to talk to your health team about how you feel - they can help even if just to point out other sides to every event and help with crisis management.
I cannot offer any long term hope but with dcs, every minute longer you keep going is a bonus for them. One of the key things my care coordinator talks about is that just by speaking to her, or the crisis team, I am taking positive steps - I could just ignore the pain and say I don't need help. It is so easy to think everything is worthless but even being able to celebrate making one phone call helps a bit, and makes it easier the next time.
I hope you can find a way to get help and keep going for you and your dcs sake.