Someone please tell me what to do

[SomethingUnpredictable]

I posted recently about how unhappy I was; suicidal thoughts, house/life a mess, just didn't want to continue exisiting but I have a son and had to keep going for him.

Been to GP and on citalopram, they doubles my dose a week ago and things still arent any better. Have family support but can feel myself shutting them out again. I have thought of nothing but cutting my legs since yesterday, so far have abstained but I just feel like shit. Last week was horrible, walked out of a uni exam in tears, missed 3 assignments and havent bothered to even speak to anyone about it. Slept with my best friend and then behaved so irrationally afterwards that he has refused to speak to me for three days. I don't blame him, I'd avoid me as well. I just feel so low and like there's no point.

I have been referred to mental health team but no-one will be in touch till after new year. Have been reading forums and trying to use mood gym but none of it is making any difference. I just want to hurt physically because I am able to make sense of that, unlike what is going on in my head.

Have thought about going to A&E but need to pick up DS from school soon. What do I do?

Sorry to hear you are feeling bad. But it's very good you are recognising you aren't well.

Can you ask someone to collect ds for if you explain why?

I dont think so, all family are at work in different towns and no friends nearby just now. I dont know what good A&E would do anyway.

Perhaps if you explained how low you are feeling to your family one if them would come and help?

I think you need to revisit your GP and see if you can get the mental health team on board sooner than the New Year- did you explain how you're doing as you have in your OP?
Could you try getting out for a brisk walk to take your mind off cutting? Loud music and a bit of release? Sorry if it sounds silly but I often find it helps bring me round a bit when I'm having a rough time.
Try not to over think behaviour re your best friend, give it some time and see if it can be salvaged when you're feeling more yourself.
Re uni, do you have a supervisor/personal tutor you could email? Let them know things aren't good at home and they could grant extenuating circumstances so you can defer assignments/exams til end of academic year.
So sorry you're feeling this way

Id be able to get hold of my mum but she would insist on coming with me or something and i really dont want to be around anyone. She only tries to help but she just makes me so uncomfortable when I feel like this.

Sorry Booz, cross post.

I have an appointment with GP this Friday so I will ask about getting moved up the list if its possible. They did warn me i may need to wait about 12 weeks though.

Don't really feel like walking but might go for a drive. I cant walk amywhere without meeting people and im not in the mood to chat (small village). Loud music sounds good.

I have emailed my year lead who says she will meet with me after christmas (off now until now year as i have a work placement to do). That was after i walked out of the exam but the missed assignments have not been discussed. I just wish I knew how to cope.

Glad you're revisiting the doctors, don't be afraid to explain how bad the situation is and hopefully they'll be able to get you to the right source of help a bit quicker.
DI'd you make it out for a drive? I've never thought of that as I'm not a keen driver but I can imagine it working in a similar way! I like the music loud and I sing along if i'm up to it.
Can you email the module leaders for the missed assignments? At my uni you have up to 7 days after the deadline to apply for EC's but gather it can be different. I know it will be the last thing you can think about doing but a few minutes might just spare you further stress after Xmas.
Again, if the GP can help they should be able to find the right people to teach you to cope. In the meantime, baby steps and

Didn't make it out for a drive, I spent some time messaging my friend but he hasn't responded. He blocked me the other day but has since unblocked me and been reading my messages. Im not sure why he would do this if he doesnt want to talk?

I ended up cutting my legs, it made me feel better but that scares me and I don't want to keep doing it. I haven't hurt myself like this in about 8 or 9 years.

I have a 12.5 hour shift tomorrow and I am dreading it. This should be something to get excited about but I just can't face the world just now.

Don't feel alone. Plenty of people have felt like this at some point. Please ring ur GP for an emergency appointment. Tell them it's in regards to mental health. Make sure you keep taking your meds, it can make you feel worse before you feel better! Sending you strength and hope xx

Gp will always have emergency appointments available if you ring first thing and be very honest about your need, tell that you have resumed self harming. At the very least a telephone appointment with gp while waiting on Friday appt.
Your increase in medication will take 3 or 4 weeks to show benefit.

Thankyou.

I can't get to the GP before Friday anyway as I am on shift before they open and finish hours after they close. I can't sleep and I want to go out but I'm worried how fit I'll be to go in tomorrow morning if I'm out all night.

Trying not to cut any more, just want to disappear.

Don't disappear. Please speak to your gp. You can do this x

Thanks lost, haven't disappeared yet. Had my first 12 hour shift today and was distracted enough by that to have an ok day.
Got home hoping for a message from my friend but still haven't heard from him. I really miss him and am so angry at myself for messing things up.
Not feeling brilliant tonight but too exhausted to give it much thought.

Glad you were able to get through work. But please please speak to your gp x

Went to GP. They have taken me off citalopram and put me on mirtazapine which supposedly contains a sedative. Doctor examined my legs, they are cut to bits but she didnt comment just said they were healing. Felt totally numb this morning and my mum came round and started crying. She doesnt get that dragging myself out of bed and going for a walk wont fix 11 years of hating myself.
Have been calling my friend all day and he doesnt give a shit enough to answer, not that I blame him. Supposed to be on placement tomorrow but dont even want to continue with my course any more. Whats the point?

Well done for going to the dr - that is a big step. People who haven't had depression really have no fucking clue what it us like.

Give the meds a chance to kick in x