really struggling

[icklacknok]

Hi. I've been struggling with depression for a long while now - it's probably now 5 years since I felt calm, contented and happy. I've had quite a lot of domestic, emotional and relationship changes over this period and am now at a point when I really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. Will it ever get better.

I'm on ADs - 15mg mirtazapine at night does help with sleep and GP has recently increased sertraline dose, which I take in the morning, from 50mg to 100mg. It's only been two weeks of this increase, taking 50mg and 100mg on alternate days.

Today is a bad today. Woke up with lots of suicidal thoughts and a feeling of no hope that things will get better. I read a lot about the good things to do but some days just really struggle to do them - drink plenty of water, eat healthy, exercise, meet up with people, talk to people, journal stuff - today I just want to curl up in a ball and can't face doing anything.

Would love to get some advice or hear success stories.

I think it's the "nature of the beast" for us to have bad days with depression. It sounds like you do well for a lot of the time but today is crap. Can you just lie on the sofa under a blanket. I have suffered intermittent depression (sometimes severe) for 6 years and have some "days from hell" and I stay under the duvet in the morning and lie on the sofa under a blanket. My mind is full of suicidal thoughts and that's so scary. Not what you're supposed to do but I do it anyway. Mind I'm 71 and there's just me and DH so don't have any responsibilities. God knows how some posters manage, with battling depression and young children.

You will feel ok again.

icklacknok How are you feeling now? It's ok to want to curl up in a ball - it's your mind's way of telling you to "stop, take a breather".

It's ok to just sit on the sofa & have a great big sob. You will feel so much better once it's all out. The worst you can do is try to be strong & keep it all inside you.

Cry lots, then ring the Samaritans or ring them first & cry down the phone - it's what they are there for.

If you have a best friend you can confide in, call them too if you need to. MNers are always here so use us as you need.

Thanks for the replies. I've been trying to be strong for so long now and just feel I can't live with this anymore. I can't cry and I don't understand why - just never get tearful so never seem to let it all out.

I've been looking up suicide on the internet and seriously considering it. I don't know whether I should just drive to A&E and admit myself. What would they do there?

The only bit of advice in terms of actual success stories - it depends on your view of success. I have had depression in the past and dealt with it with ADs, stayed on for a while until I felt life had calmed a bit, then weaned myself back off gradually, under GP guidance. I had a couple of tries as I began to feel 'wobbly' again and upped the dosage again for a while. Now I'm older I feel I can look back & rationalise what was happening at the time. I've also now pretty much gone through a menopausal / mid life crisis & feel like my emotions are much more on the level.

It's all so dependent on your individual circumstances so only your GP and / or perhaps people like the Samaritans can judge what you really need to help you cope.

As soon as you say the word 'suicide' I say 'call Samaritans'! Here's how to contact them:

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

I have phoned them before but I just feel this time I need some proper help - will going to A&E help?

Not sure if A&E will help unless you have actually done something - you don't want to get that far - hence my advice to contact Samaritans. If you don't get the response you want, it may be because it's the response you need iyswim? Hold on in there - call them!

Are you OK OP?