Scared to get better ?

[vxa2]

I have been experiencing an episode of depression and anxiety - more anxiety really since about February. I have experienced several episodes over the past 15 years including PND which resulted in me being hospitalised. This time I tried citalopram supplemented with quetiapine and then rispridone which did not work. I then tried venlafaxine which had helped before but after three months I didnt feel that it was working and the side effects were not worth any benefit.

I did speak to my psych but he was not very helpful so after a particularly horrible week I just stopped the medication. I would not recommend going cold turkey like I did as it was truly horrendous but it was my decision. That was nearly four weeks ago. I am not taking any medication at all at the moment.

I have to say that I am now feeling much better - much more like myself again and the anxiety is probably at what you would expect for most people in a a job like mine which is quite stressful. I am irritable though and feel very defensive especially at work.

The thing is that I feel almost scared to feel better. I am almost waiting for something bad to happen and I am also worried that because I appear much better (which I am), the expectations of me at work are increasing and I am not sure I will be able to keep a lid on it if I am having a bad day.

Does that make sense to anyone ?

Completely makes sense. Its a scary thing, mental illness. It robs us of our confidence and leaves us uncertain. Maybe you are scared to look to the future in case it rears its ugly head again. Or maybe you are nervous because you are used to being in the sick role and the potential for failure is lurking in the back of your mind.

Either way, all you can do is take each day as it comes and be honest with the people around you. If it is too much, then say so or you will be making your own fast pass back to depression central. Be kinder to yourself, you may have a bad day, you may feel unable to cope. But if you keep other people in the loop then the burden is shared.

I am bipolar and had a complete breakdown around 6 years ago. It took a lot of work for me to be able to say " I need help" or "I cant cope with this alone". But now I say it loud and I have been stable for 3 years.

Im sure you can do it, and if you wobble, even if you do have another episode I am sure you will be fine. Just keep on gong and believe in yourself .