DH is depressed. He is getting worse and worse. He eats junk food all day long and is putting on so much weight and is always feeling ill and is covered in spots, he stays in bed and doesn't go to work a lot of the time (works in London, an hour or so commute but isn't even ready before about 9am if he does go), he has taken (illegal) drugs on a few occasions, does not look after our finances (and won't give me access as he says its all fine - despite bills being unpaid...i have no idea what our finances are like as he won't tell me), does not have any social life beyond what I organise, does no exercise, does not look after his appearance (unshaved, needs a haircut etc), he has a 'study' which is 'his' room for working at home etc, but it is literally covered with rubbish (food wrappers), dirty clothes, unopened bills and post.
I am struggling not to be angry and resentful with him, I am struggling to interact and engage with him positively. It is so frustrating. He has been to the GP and says he has a 'plan' to get better but won't tell me what this is. I am desperate for him to make some small changes at least but I cannot get through to him. I know nagging, cajoling etc is counterproductive but I don't know what else to do. He tells me I am 'horrible' to him, starts swearing at me, and this has caused his depression - I admit we have problems in our relationship - he says he need me to be 'nice' but it is so difficult to be positive. For example - in the mornings, I need him to take older DC downstairs (early riser) so I can resettle 3 month old (bf) DC. It takes me several minutes to rouse him from sleep - during which time older DC is being loud, baby DC is crying for a feed/because he's been woken, and understandably I get frustrated when I'm trying to wake him up. He then ends up falling asleep on the sofa while 3yo DC is left to his own devices which I don't feel is safe. Likewise with admin things - for example, our nursery bill standing order needs reducing - this has needed to be done since I gave him the invoices in September and it still hasn't been done. If i remind him I am accused to nagging, if I don't mention it, it won't get done! I try to organised nice things for us to do together at the weekends, but he just lies on the sofa, unwashed and in his dressing gown until 20 minutes before we need to leave and then gets cross because I am nagging him to get ready - even if we are going to an activity for a 'planned' or set time, he makes us late. No-one else knows what we are going through. He also lies and lies to keep me happy (is this bill paid? Yes......2 weeks later we get another letter demanding payment / Did you eat the last packet of crisps/chocolate for baking? No.....Later I find the wrapper in his study bin).
I just feel I can't win. He has been threatening to leave - although we are having a really really tough time, and in some ways it would be a relief, i KNOW its his illness combined with young DC and with some work this phase will pass.
He happened to be awake this morning when DC woke up so the morning started off well and went in the shower about 8am - then he said he was tired and lay on the sofa till I went out at 9.30. Came back at 11.30 and he was still on the sofa. Then he went upstairs to bed and closed the blinds and is still asleep now. I took him some lunch at 12.30, tried to open the blinds and window and make him sit up and eat and have some fresh air, but as soon as I left he closed it all and fell asleep again leaving lunch uneaten and cold, and he got cross because i was nagging him to wake up.
I just need to him get up, go to work, get some fresh air, give each other some space, take some responsibility for things, demand some ADs/therapy from GP. I am struggling to understand if its our relationship causing his MH problems or vice versa.
I am on maternity leave and I'm supposed to be enjoying my time off - older DC is at nursery part time so I want to enjoy my days with DC2 but I can't when DH is here.
Advice?? Sorry its so long...