just ruined fireworks night

[CherryPicking]

I'm exhausted, kids are exhausted, dd1 pushing my buttons raiding the cupboards and stuffing herself with hot chocolate powder. I said some horrible things, sent them both to bed with no sparklers beforehand. Everyone crying, dd1 really loudly. Told her to shut up. I'm a shitty mother. She said she didn't want to look at my ugly face anymore which is fair enough, I'm hideous. I just can't do this any more. I'm worthless, nobody wants me, and yet I carry on. Kids don't have a proper family, they have an abusive father and a mother who can't hold it together. I called our family pathetic. Its me who's pathetic. I keep on trying to pretend I can do this on my own, Halloween, fireworks, Xmas, and so on but I can't. You need people to make it mean anything - shiny happy Facebook friends. My dcs have only me when they're here. And I'm a total crap bag.

Your not a total crap bag love.
Hear for a hand hold

I'm a snot bag at least. I called my 9 year old fat. What a shit head I am.

You sound like you've used all possible reserves and some. Sending your kids to bed on any day of the year does not make you a shit mother. The sparklers will still be there when they are behaving better.

Are you still with the abusive dad?

Draw a line under the day- it didn't go well but so what? You can do sparklers any day.

You are tired, they are tired so go to bed and start over tomorrow.

Big hug op- some days are just crap and overwhelming!

TheWrath is wise

Special days like fireworks and Halloween are all very well but people build it up way too much and sometimes it won't work out. It's not just you who feels like this and perfection is not the aim.

CherryPicking I know it's bad but I kind of want to know how that came up!

Agree tomorrow's another day. You can apologise in the morning and start afresh.

Not with him anymore.

Thanks for your lovely comments, better than I deserve x

Tomorrow make an appointment with your GP and ask for a leg up. Don't ignore this or it could get worse.

Why was your child wanting chocolate powder? Have they eaten enough for tea?

Tomorrow is another day yes and thy can do sparklers tomorrow night. Go up and say sorry and have a cuddle on the bed with a story.

And ignore Facebook, people only put the best bits on Facebook.

You definitely do deserve support here and in RL. It's hard when you don't believe that but it's really true.

Facebook is not real life at all. It's life through a filter. Your life is totally different because you see it all up close. Don't compare yourself to fiction.

Who would you ask for help if you did think you were worth it?

She eats constantly, had plenty of dinner. Big of build but not fat.

I do it on my own..We all get it wrong sometimes.. Whether is a couple or not...

I agree with the PP get yourself to the Gp..Get yourself to sleep. make a plan of action..

No one will tell you it is right to call your DD Fat...however you can put this right appologise in the morning.. I do wonder why she was stuffing chocolate powder? does she have issues that do need addressing too ?

I had an awful day with DS yesterday ...He got sent to bed..Today I have put in place a plan of action which is rewarding the behaviours I need to change as they are wearing me down.. He earned half the points on offer today however we had a so much better day.. Simply because he knows he has tomorrow to correct it.

Do the sparklers at the weekend..

Fastdaytears- the sad thing is I have had many days like the op!!

Cherry, I am on my own and I am far from perfect. I struggle at times just to manage day to day life. I secretly don't look forward to birthdays, Christmas etc cos it's more stress and work!

I have said things to the children that I don't mean but later I always apologise and explain why I went off like a rocket ( see what I did there ?!).

I am not perfect and don't think it does any harm for my children to see I am an imperfect person!

I have said things to the children that I don't mean

Who hasn't done this? Some people are more honest about it than others.

The name calling was not good, but everything else, .
We just didn't do bonfire night, we were going to go out, but it was piddling down.
DS, tired and grumpy, just told him it was bedtime and put him to bed, early. No guilt.
Cut yourself some slack, you're not responsible for their father's behaviour. Just try to remain consistent and fair.
Really it isn't compulsory to provide stellar events at every hands turn.

I did apologise once theyd settled down. I'm pretty sure it's pms and being too busy to do the things that usually keep me on an even keel and keep depressive episodes at bay. Its not normal for kids to raid the cupboards then?

Oh of course it's normal. But it's also normal for them to get a telling off if they know perfectly well they aren't meant to.

Wrath how do you keep going? Today I feel like a non person. Most of the time I can just get on with it and ignore that we're not like everyone else, that they're growing up without the lovely lives their friends gave but I don't know how I can go on now.

I'm worthless because literally no one loves me, bar the kids, and I'm sure growing up and realising they can live without their shitty mother will sort that one out. Tears and self pity. And pity for them.

I keep going on the days that are hard doing only what is necessary to survive. E.g get the kids to school, feed them- anything else is a bonus!

I have no one but my children and sometimes they really hurt me and that is really hard. Knowing that when they grow up I will have nothing is hard. I try to just think of getting them to adulthood. Some days I feel the pain of being a non person and other days I don't think about it.

Everything looks worse without sleep I find.

Yes, sleep. Haven't had more than 5 hours per night for weeks now. Its not their fault its me unable to get off the internet which I use to fill the void. Thanks for sharing, I'm sorry you're finding it hard too - you sound remarkably strong and together to me. You won't be alone forever, and I bet your dcs will stay close x

Hello Cherry

How are things today?

I use the Internet,TV and food more than I should. I think it's a way of keeping kind of sedated- does that make sense?

My children aren't with me at the moment (never happens normally) and it's a frightening insight into the future. I miss them even though five minutes after they get back I will be exhasperated with them!