Please or to access all these features

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Had a bad day & need to get off chest (v long, sorry)

17 replies

Paperbagonhead · 05/12/2006 22:29

Compared to other people's problems very trivial and me, me, me but need to rant and get off my chest.
Have changed my name for this, as usually try and be very upbeat. Basically, single mum of 4 for nearly a year, being left forced major character change and now (most of the time) I appear confident and outgoing. But not always. I was traded in for someone much larger and much older and more wrinkled (v shallow I know but it has to be said). I lost alot of weight on the "divorce diet" and now always make an effort with my appearance - have received alot of positive(female friend) comments on how much better I look and how much more bubbly and outgoing I am. But, have a couple of major hang-ups.
I keep trying to get part-time job to fit in with kids. Know they are like gold dust, but, I keep getting down to the final two and failing, allegedly because, when I ask for feedback as to why I've been unsuccessful, the other candidate has "more experience". This after having been told at interview on several occasions that I produce "outstanding application forms, head and shoulders above the other candidates" (their words, not mine). So, I'm obviously doing something wrong at interview and the "more experience" line is wearing a bit as I suspect there is something else that people won't tell me.
Secondly, my confidence with men is pretty non-existent. On the rare occasions I do go out with friends (and make an effort) I may just as well be invisible. So, thought I would give internet dating a go out of curiosity, not really expecting anything to happen. However, a few people got in touch, one seemed very promising and very keen (and genuine), we got to the exchanging photos stage (imo he was pretty gorgeous), minute I sent a photo it was thanks but no thanks.
Told you it really was pretty trivial and shallow but I am despairing of finding either a job or a man. Ex-DH was first and only boy I ever went out with so I've hardly had any experience. He did my confidence a world of good during the break-up by telling me that not once in 19 years had sex been anything special. When I replied that he didn't seem to have complained at the time, he said he was a man and men are grateful for anything.(Charming) Have talked to very honest friends (who really would tell me if there was a problem with my appearance/bad traits of personality) but they are at a loss too. Ex-DH told his mother the main reason he left me was that he couldn't risk me ending up like my mother (she can be a bit of a handful but I still personally think it was a lame excuse).
Thanks for taking the time to read this far. Sorry to rant on so much and I know it's selfish when people have really awful health and financial problems etc. but I'm just feeling really down and needed to get it off my chest before I go and purchase a paper bag in the morning to put on my head.

OP posts:
moondog · 05/12/2006 22:34

Bless you Paperbag.
You sound lovely-sensitive,thoughtful and articulate.

A year isn't a long time really though is it? (It probably feels it though.)

Your ex sounds like a horrible horrible person.

Goood for you for losing all the weight.

Sounds like Californian blurb but the advice is always to 'get out of your comfort zone'

Where do yuo expect to meet men?
After a certain age I don't think many good ones hang around bars.

Can you volunteer to do something or do a course to update your skills?

Give yourself one or two attainable goals for the new year and go for them.

keziah · 05/12/2006 22:39

What horrible and stupid things your ex said. I haven't got much experience on the job or dating front. Just wanted to say sorry you're feeling bad. x x x your problems are just as valid as anyone elses by the way. Oh and I'm sure you don't need the bag! perhaps you need to think of some sort of treat for yourself?

DimpledThighs · 05/12/2006 22:42

I felt really sad reading your post, but as moondog said a year is not that long. It is very hard when you have been treated like you have your self esteem is rock bottom so you relfect everything that happens on being something wrong with you.

Interent dating bloke - so what! he sounds quite shallow but hey you must have a sparky and interesting personality to engage him and one day a less shallow one will be around.

Job interviews: you are getting to the last 2 and your application forms are outstanding! the other people have more experience but you will get lucky - if not go out and get some voluntary experience or ask if you can do some with them! I am not even getting to interview stage at the moment!

Please take heart - you are down on yourself but don't let it get out of proportion.

I am not trying to belittle your worries, just wanted to put a positive spin on them.

take care.

DimpledThighs · 05/12/2006 22:43

oh yeah and your ex is a mean, horrid man (i was going to put something else beginning with w and ending in anker.)

Paperbagonhead · 05/12/2006 22:46

Thanks all of you! You've cheered me up already . Sometimes think NHS could save a fortune on dishing out alot of anti-depressant prescriptions if people posted problems on here first!

OP posts:
moondog · 05/12/2006 22:49

Are your kids in school?
Could you fit something in during the day like a course??
Or how about taking a job even if it is 'beneath you' just to get back in the swing of things?
Do you spend a lot of time alone on yuor own??

If so,DON@T.
It is soooooo bad for you,especially if you are a bit wobbly.

There are a couple of MNers on here who seem very low ten you read that they don't work or go out asnd just basically seem to hide at home .
Very dangerous for one's mental health.

PinkTinsel · 05/12/2006 22:49

the job thing sounds worryingly like a bad referance tbh, are you sure your listed referances are saying good things or could they be badmouthing you?

PinkTinsel · 05/12/2006 22:55

sorry, that cae across quite curt!

what the others have said about the self esteem and dating are bang on, a year isn't that long and with a personality like yours you'll find someone soon, and in the meantime enjoy your freedom after years of marriage

Elasticwoman · 05/12/2006 22:59

Your ex may also be trying to assuage his own guilt at leaving you and 4 kids in the lurch. Bastard! He may well try to think of some excuse to his mother, and it won't be anything like the real one.

I don't know what sort of work you're looking for, but can you go through an agency, or do it on a temporary basis, like teachers do supply?
Just getting a foot in the door is the hard part.
You could also try ringing up potential employers on spec.

By the way, men are not grateful for anything, and he doesn't sound like much of a man anyway. Sorry, I know he's the father of your kids but I'm on your side.

Paperbagonhead · 05/12/2006 23:14

Am really touched that people are bothering to reply this late!

Re. the references, the thought had crossed my mind, but one is my current line manager (I work a few hours on a Saturday morning) and she is v open with me about when she gets asked to do a reference and has been as surprised as me on occasions when it's come to nothing. My other refs are longstanding family friends so do trust them. Have had police checks in past when helped at DD's pre-school so know there is nothing dodgy there (Not that there should be I hasten to add, but you do hear of things being falsely attributed to people with name mix-ups etc!).

Kids are all at school (ages 5 to 13) so I do get out. As other MNetters know, you just can't sit at home when school run has to be done and all the associated clubs etc., which (although a tad stressful in our house at 8.20 each morning) is godsend really as I imagine it could be really easy to mope at home with no children (or v small ones that don't need to go anywhere). I help out when I can at the school and do enjoy that (and also hope it will look good on application forms as am looking for elusive school support roles).

OP posts:
DimpledThighs · 05/12/2006 23:19

my friend told me the other day that there are courses you can do to be learning support assistants. If that is what you want to do and you have the time why not look into it and then you will be the one with the most experience!

bctmum · 05/12/2006 23:20

just wanted to say well done for being a mum to four kids - this is a huge job and you should be recognised for everything you do being a parent.

Keep applying for jobs and with the dating - but be kind to yourself. Boo to the internet guy who didn't reply.

Line up some treats for yourself xxx

moondog · 06/12/2006 08:42

How are you today Paperbag?

persephonesnape · 06/12/2006 09:05

hope you'e feeling better!

my ex came out with all the same tosh when he got caught having an affair and buggered off leaving me with three children. 'no man will ever want you blah-blah-blah' i think they say these kind of things to try and justify their behaviour and to lessen the guilt that they carry - by being even more bastardy - by saying things like that out loud they somehow make them 'true'. they're not.

anyone that can manage a house and four children is going to be an ideal job candidate in my eyes. you must have superb organisational skills! I hope you find something soon.

men. i know you're lonely - but it's mayeb a bit soon. I'm not saying don't try (your appearance makes you feel better about yourself and a herat was never won by unwashed four day old trackies..) but don't have expectations. that way it's a pleasant suprise when it works out. I tried internet dating (met lifelong friends, but no bfs) pubs/clubs/the usual. I accidentally drunkenly slept with one of my best male friends after a night out and we're still together four years later. it took me a year and a half to let him meet my children and we don't live together but I'm very happy now. There really is light at the end of the tunnel.

moondog · 06/12/2006 09:05

Great advice and story Persephone!

Paperbagonhead · 06/12/2006 09:27

Hi there, thanks again for kind words / experiences. You give me hope persephonesnape! Feeling much better now, off to get hair done (long standing appointment but v well timed in the circumstances as hairdresser always seems to work miracles on my hair!)

OP posts:
maycontainstress · 06/12/2006 11:18

Glad you are feeling a bit more positive today, hope the new hair do makes you feel a bit better about your appearance too. Well done for losing the weight and for holding things together.

Take one day at a time. I know its not easy.

My exh destroyed my confidence too. I spent 2 years alone and gutted/depressed/ill. Eventually I just thought, oh bugger it, I'm just going to enjoy not having to compromise my parenting/the shopping etc. I actually LOVED my own space, decorated, you name it I did it on my own, thank you very much , much to everyone's surprise.

I too never thought a man would come, never. I worked, collected the kids, went home.

After the 2 years on my own, which in hindsight did me the power of good, my dream man did turn up at a works party I didn't want to go to. We're hoping to get married now.

Keep the faith, you'll be fine. Much love XX

New posts on this thread. Refresh page