I have NC for this as it's a bit embarrassing.
I've just read something about narcissism and it really struck a chord with me. I'd always assumed it meant you were obsessed with your appearance and thought you were wonderful but this article defined it as "addicted to feeling special". I think this might explain a lot of the faults I think I have.
Basically I love treating myself to almost anything - nice food (I eat far too much and am overweight, but always somehow feel as if I "deserve a treat"), things like accessories and make-up, days out on my own, etc. I haven't got a huge disposable income so these things are done on a shoestring but I'm still aware that I am probably doing it too much, both from a sensible money management point of view and it just doesn't seem morally right either. I feel like I need to do these things almost all the time, otherwise my life seems a bit joyless. I feel vaguely fed up if I'm not actively enjoying myself all the time. Surely I should be happy enough just having a family I love and being fit and healthy with some lovely countryside on my doorstep!
I also hate doing housework (I am the main housework doer in my house as I work quite short hours) and often leave it until the last possible moment, but it doesn't feel as if I'm depressed and just can't get on top of it, it feels as if I kind of resent having to do it on the grounds that I'm not a housewife, I've got a job. The few times I've actually articulated this out loud I've heard myself as sounding exactly like my teenagers when they don't want to do something. I've considered myself be lazy and selfish for a long time (without every quite managing to do something about it) but never realised before now that there might be an actual name for the whole package.
I don't completely lack empathy, but sometimes I do when it seems a bit surprising. Someone in my family has really got a lot on their plate at the moment (carer type duties and a lot of admin to sort out). I make all the right noises and I do feel sorry for them in a sort of superficial way, but if I'm totally honest, I mostly feel relieved that I'm not close enough to them to have to take on some of the burden. I often don't feel as if I feel "the same" as other people emotionally; I'm not very sentimental at all.
I genuinely love my children and think I've been quite a good mum to them, but I've never felt sad that they're growing up. I've always welcomed them getting more independent on the grounds that I then get more of my life back. The child who has now left home, I think I get on better with than ever before.
My relationship with my parents was generally quite good, but sometimes I wonder if they didn't expect enough of me - I must have got this preference for not really pulling my weight and expecting nice things to fall into my lap from somewhere. I feel like I'm sort of living like a teenager who isn't quite capable of standing on their own two feet. I have a feeling my expectations have become more unrealistic since the children got older and less dependent on me. Before I had children I worked full-time in a job I hated and found difficult. but I don't remember being this discontent and self-indulgent in my private life; I now work part-time in a job I adore (full-time isn't available in this job). I'm wondering if I've gone a bit "soft" as a result of having it relatively easy for the last few years, and started to crave more and more pleasure as a result, although it might just have been dormant in me all along. My husband doesn't seem to have noticed a problem although he occasionally nags me and the kids to tidy up after ourselves a bit more.
So I have two questions really: 1. Does this sound like narcissism or would a person with narcissism by definition be unable to recognise it in themself? 2. Is it possible to overcome it by one's own efforts or is expensive counselling the only answer?