Anxiety Honesty

[Lexia123]

I posted this in relationships but perhaps it's better here.

I've started a couple of threads recently about splitting with my bf. I have struggled with anxiety since I was 12. I have an anxiety disorder but I don't tell friends, colleagues etc. The only ones who know are my family. I have always managed really well- I have a good job, own my own home, have hobbies, friends and am very sociable etc.

But I never told my bf that I suffer quite badly with anxiety, for fear he would run a mile. Such is the stigma of anything not physical these days. I would still like to tell him, as it would explain a lot of things, and I think that this lack of sharing was a factor in our demise.

Has anybody had any experience of confiding in a partner this way? How did they react? Did they run? I am interested so that I don't repeat my mistakes in the future.

Thank you.

My anxiety grew as my life changed but my OH saw it growing, we've been together 14 years and it was having a baby that tipped me into needing a bit of help. He is amazing and loves me and understands how anxiety affects me in different situations (when I'm stressed!) so I never worry about sharing.

But my DH is a wonderful guy. I think it depends on him TBH. Any decent guy won't mind and he might already have quite a good idea. I remember "confessing" to a friend and she said "Slug, it's ok, I understand and I already kinda knew, I see it in you and it's part of you and you're still wonderful, it's fine"

I think anxiety itself is holding you back. How long have you been together?

Thank you for your reply.

We'd been together 9 months, I took a while to catch up feelings wise as I had been hurt badly before and was trying to protect myself from the pain I'm feeling now (again).

It did get the better of me- going up to London to see him and have nights out, but going home alone because I needed to "do stuff" i.e.; be in my home where I felt safer and less out of control. Looking back it seems ridiculous, no wonder he felt neglected and as if I wasn't in it 100%. I just wonder if I tell all now, whether he might look at me differently. It's not a very attractive quality is it?

I've posted on your other thread too- I am a bit puzzled as to why you don't feel you can tell your nearest and dearest. Firstly because it would help them understand you better and secondly because they might like to help. Also would it not help you too?

I suppose I'm just overwhelmed by the stigma. I let it slip to a close friend at the weekend, and she was brilliant. Couldn't understand why I thought she would judge me. But several times over the week I've had those pangs of " oh shit, I've spilled a secret". But a bf may feel differently, especially as my actions because of anxiety have ruined our relationship. But part of me really wants to be open because then I have nothing to hide. But there's a risk that he'll think that I'm too complicated and think it's better to leave things there.

I think if he's been with you for 9 months he isn't going to turn and leg it. And it's up to you to tell him how much or little you want. Maybe start by telling him something small, like oh it makes me really uncomfortable when xyz or if xyz happens then I really need head space to deal with it. It doesn't have to be a huge confession. And besides, it's nothing to be ashamed of! Everyone has some level of anxiety...some of us just struggle with it more than others but it obviously hasn't stopped you from taking part very successfully in life. You're not going to announce a huge, life changing aspect - it's just a part of who you are. I wish you the best of luck though, it's scary talking about it if you choose to.

Thanks Slugonthewindow. But I am ashamed of it. I really wish I'd been up front at the beginning. Then if he ran I'd be none the worse off. But as we're where we are, I'm worried this may make him feel I'm a person to steer well clear of, rather than try again. Because of this bloody anxiety, and reluctance to trust after being badly hurt, I only let him stay at my house once in nine months, and he visited a handful of times as well. But that was it. He came and did stuff in my area but then I was careful to steer us back to his direction, London. And over months he's quite rightly felt rather neglected and as if he's 2nd choice etc. If only he knew it's because every time he suggested coming to stay at mine my chest would start whooshing and I would go quiet. And then suggest all the great things we'd have more fun doing in London.

I've been such an idiot.

I'm not exactly sure where you are in terms of being "split" but if it's going downhill, maybe levelling with him is your best option? Lay your cards on the table and tell him why you acted as you did. If he sees you are trying he's unlikely to walk away if he likes you.

I don't know OP, but you've not been an idiot, you've obviously managed as best you can and that's all we can ever do

Thanks again slug. I want to do exactly that. I feel we've filled out weekends with galavanting around, that it's only the last few weeks with this split that we've really talked.

I feel that if I'm Honest with him then we could go forward with a better understanding of each other. I'm ready for him to know me fully. He's been head over heels in love with me ( sounds narcissistic I know) and has wanted to do anything to be a part of my life, my feelings and anxiety took me a bit longer to get there. I wouldn't want to lose him over it, but I suppose at this point I have nothing to lose...

It looks like tomorrow might be opportunity to talk to him. I feel I'm resigned to the fact that it's over, so it's a question of maintaining my dignity or being honest and him thinking he's dated a nutter for almost a year. I'm not sure I really care any more.