can someone help answer some things

[Monkeybabiess111]

I have eupd (also known as borderline personality disorder) depression and anxiety.
The last few months I've been seem by the crisis team 3 time for suicidal thoughts but as I never have a plan they go away quickly.
I've not been seen in over a month by a cpn ones went of sick but I have an appointment the end of the month with a new one.
I went to my gp last week as I have been doing research when things have gotten bad but they only increased my citalopram saying it's just that and how I think.

Anyway the questions I have
Will I ever actually feel normal ( I don't think I've ever felt normal).

How do I stop suicidal thoughts they really scare me but I feel like as I've had them happen so much no ones listening but they kept getting worse when they come.

I have two dc can I actually be a good mum when I think the way I do.

so sorry to read how poorly you are feeling,op. I've been there and emerged gradually by the grace of god. My cc did not have the best mothering and i feel guilty for that. You can reach out and ask for help from organisations like churches, the Salvation Army, YWCA, and as i do not live in uk my list is not nearly complete. Normal is an artificial construct made by those who are luckier and have more power. Make yourself ask for help for your and your cc's sake.

no one is normal, everyone just pretends to be.

i am sure you are a great mother, no matter how you think. your kids must think the world of you

i struggled with citalopram, but it might help you. how are you feeling today?

Today started on its getting worse tonight the thoughts are coming back harsher, I just want to sleep and forget everything as I'm exhausted.
I'm really getting stressed as I want to be happy healthy but I can find a way to be that way it feels like I'll forever be like this now.

A message i give myself and repeat inside my head is -Nothing lasts forever. Everything changes. Also find it helps me to do what Oprah says- count my blessings and write them down . Any little thing counts. I listen to music to help me sleep . What helps you op?

Will you feel normal? Yes and no. No one is normal. or if they are, they are in the massive minority. Anyone with long term MH issues has to constantly manage and monitor them. But you get more experienced at it.

I don't know how you stop suicidal thoughts. But I do know that it's important to take really good care of yourself physically when on the downward trend. You won't want to, but you don't have to want to, so long as you do it, for your children's sake if not for yours. So do that checklist: are you thirsty? drink a glass of water. Hungry? Eat something nourishing. Cold or too hot? Adjust your temperature. When did you last bathe or shower? If not in the last 48 hours, do it asap. Are your clothes comfortable and clean? if not, change them. When did you last have a gentle real life (e.g. not FB) conversation with another adult? if not in the last 24 hours, have one, even if it's just a bit of chitchat at a shop

There's a list of all this somewhere. You are supposed to go through it systematically. It might help shift the focus a bit. Tapping (ESP) is also supposed to be good for shifting the focus, or you could try online meditation (doesn't work for me. I feel OK when doing it and exactly the same as before as soon as it's over, but it works for many people.

Make a list of reasons to live, top of it being your DC, how they need you, what they'd like to do with you (be tucked in at night, walk to school, as well as any long term things you'd like to see them through.)