I'm broken

[Monkeybabiess111]

I'm really struggling today, I keep getting thoughts that it would be better off if I were not around, I want them to stop they are getting stronger and louder.
I feel broken they never leave for long, I normally self harm to make them go but I've been trying to stop but it's making everything worse.
I just want everything to stop my minds been on constant over drive for weeks now I'm waiting on the citalopram to work but there not I know they take time but I don't see how to last until they work.
I went back to the gp last week with the thoughts they didn't care it's normal with the citalopram but I don't feel there normal I'm sick of thinking of ways to die I want them to stop it really scares me at times.

Do you have someone you can call to come and support you?

My Dp is downstairs, he knows I keep getting these thoughts, there happening almost weekly it's getting worse each time.
It's happened so many times recently I don't want to tell people I will just annoy them with how messed up I am as I'm not good to be around.

Please hold on, this will pass. I had these type of intrusive thoughts when DS was tiny and they did pass. In the very darkest times I was just going from minute to minute and the
only thing that stopped me was the
thought of the trauma it would inflict
on whoever found me, apart from that I was just a bag of shite that the world would be better with out. Please get help right now, phone
NHS Direct. You have better days ahead, I know it.

alot of this is the citalopram. can you ask your gp for some diazepam to get you over the next few weeks? thats what i tend to do. although have pretty much resigned myself to a life on medication.

Good point I never thought about that.
I won't do anything I'm an idiot I've failed before and my family hated me for it, I'm more scared I'd fail if I tried.
I'm just sick of them going threw my mind.

i found that when the thoughts were too much, the only way to drown them out was with loud music. which is ironic because generally music triggers my anxiety

I breastfeed my gp was hesitant on giving me the citalopram for that I don't think there's anything stronger I could have.
I have music on now it's not really working but is distracting a little.

you must focus on the fact that this WILL pass.

Hey monkey babies. I think get an appt with your go tomorrow. Mental health issues are serious. You are not a failure. You just need help. Xxx sending you big hugs, peace and light your way xx

OP, you are not an idiot, you're not well. If you had a physical illness that brought you close to death like this you wouldn't feel stupid and you have no more control over a mental illness than a physical one.
For tonight you need to speak to someone who can help you secure your safety. Tomorrow insist on a referral to a mother and baby mental health unit. You can be seen as an outpatient and they are amazing.

I will try to explain some things, I have eupd/depression and anxiety
I've been under the crisis team a few times in the last few months they can't/won't do anything as I never get to the planning stage.
They don't care they honestly don't I don't blame them now it's happened so many times they should only help people that can be my eupd means I can't.
Honestly I just wanted somewhere to vent in sick of the things in my own head.

OP, I do hope things get better soon. I'm so sorry you feel the way you do but I hope you can take comfort from the fact that I've been where you are now and came out the other side. l'm
not a mental health professional and
I'm becoming a bit anxious that by
my well meaning blundering I may
make things worse so I'm going to
duck out of this thread. I wish you all
the very best and hope this passes quickly.

I can't remember her contact details but if you Google her or look on Facebook there is a pharmacist called Wendy Jones who specialises in drugs and breastfeeding. I actually rang the number from a&e once and she spoke directly to the consultant really a prescription. He was adament i had to stop breastfeeding to take an anti seizure medication.Turns out she was right and he was wrong. There are lots of medications you can actually take for depression / anxiety etc but GP's just don't have the breastfeeding knowledge. I know this doesn't help how you are feeling now but please don't let the gp tell you you can't have diazepam etc if it could help you.

Sorry forgot to say I really hope you start to feel better soon. Can you just look at the clock and just get through the next 30mim. Forget about tomorrow or next week, just the next 30 min. Then after that do the next 30 r the next hour. It doesn't seem to swamp your mind as much. I know my dad used to find this a helpful stratagy in a crisis.