Rapidly spiralling. Need a kick up the arse

[fuzzpig]

(preferably a gentle one)

Things are going downhill. My MH has been ok for a while, but I'm mid-relapse of a physical health issue (ME and POTS) and signed off, I'm officially 'long term sick' now according to management :( I've got a meeting this week and I'm pretty sure they will talk about 'letting me go' (redeployment not an option really) - won't be straight away but in some ways I wish it was as I'm in limbo and the uncertainty is doing my head in.

I'm relieved to be off sick really as I know I'm not well enough (my job has manual handling and even if I'm not in a relapse I am still in pain after every shift) but I'm missing it. Not that most of my colleagues seem to be missing me, though. But I miss them and I miss the job, and the customers.

So anyway I'm just getting more and more 'meh' and I know this lethargy isn't helping. I have zero motivation to do anything now, other than do some easy stuff with my DCs. But the house is falling further apart, I'm eating far too much crap having previously made a bit of progress with losing weight, I just want to watch rubbish telly and play games online, I'm not looking after myself properly, it's ridiculous. Surprisingly the anxiety (usually a much bigger problem) is not so bad at the moment but I'm getting more depressed by the day.

I think part of the issue is that I am really isolated at the moment. I do manage to see some other families when my DCs go to activities etc but I am mostly staying in because I am off sick. It's hard enough having an invisible illness but I am so scared of people bitching about me that I'm well enough to leave the house but not working. Even though every step, every conversation is still a struggle and tiring, just not as hard as a physical job.

I need to snap out of it but I have no idea how!

Hopeful bump.

It is hard when you have to give up something that you enjoy and don't have a choice in the matter. This is the biggest problem with things like ME and POTS is steals your options and choices. You will be feeling down atm, it is a big life change, in some respects you will need to mourne what was before you can accept and move on. Life won't be the same, as humans we don't generally like it when this happens without options/choice. Be kind to yourself. Yes getting out and seeing people can help, also finding out what you can do. Would it be possible to find a new job which is more suitable to the restrictions once you have calmed the flare up, one that you could do even if there is the flare up? Long term plans are sometimes helpful. I do agree that the limbo won't be helping but neither will second guessing how people will react. Deal with what you have to deal with, not the what ifs. Also there is absolutely nothing that says people with chronic health conditions HAVE to be house bound, there is scientific research into the health benefits of getting out of the house physical and emotional benefits.

Thank you so much Cant

I do have another option for work thankfully - I can tutor from my house. It wouldn't be earning a steady monthly wage as such but it has the benefit of being flexible and of course it's not physically demanding :) so that's something I will definitely pursue, which is very exciting. I really can't see me managing to hold down any 'proper' job at the moment TBH, so if I managed to get a few more pupils signed up - already got a fair amount of interest - I don't think I'd look for one. Unless there was something else I could do at home (not possible for the company I work for sadly).

You are so right about only dealing with what actually happens - second guessing is a bad, paranoid habit of mine! I will see what is said at the meeting tomorrow. It's at work rather than at home so at least I will be able to see people.

Wise words about mourning it - I think what I'm really struggling is the lack of closure. Partly because I don't yet know what is happening, but also because if I am going to be let go soon (my sick note runs out this week but I am in no way well enough to return yet) I won't actually have a last shift. There's no goodbye IYSWIM. But I'm really trying not to dwell on it! Also although I don't want to get ahead of myself I'm bearing in mind the positives of not having a job that makes me ill... more free time, no childcare costs etc.

Things have been a bit better the last couple of days and I've managed to be a bit more productive (there's a couple of deadlines coming up, one of which is work related and that's been fun to work on) - still feel like crying sometimes but I don't feel quite so hopeless.

Fuzzpig just dashing through as dd's ballet in a min - but just wanted to say - I hope things are resolved in a more satisfactory way for you after the work meeting this week.

Until then, you can't really make an alternative plan. Hope you can push as hard as possible so that the situation is resolved because uncertainty is so exhausting to have to deal with.

And if it happens that you have to leave, although that is sad, at least you can have more control in your life and focus on your home tutoring and not feel guilty about going out (which you shouldn't feel guilty about but can understand the reasons why) and you can also focus on putting out a few more feelers in your area, ie with other home edders or people with the same health conditions as you!

Good luck with it all x

Meant to say, I think depression is a very common reaction when you feel like your future is in someone else's hands. It is demoralising not to feel in control.

Therefore would strongly lobby at meeting for a proper resolution of work situation.

Some small ways of feeling more control of the situation would be:

• Taking someone to the meeting with you to act as your advocate or be there to support you?

• Visualising in advance (and writing down a plan) of what your preferred outcome of the meeting would be and what points you are prepared to negotiate on and which not

• Clarify in your own mind whether there could be any half way house (less physically demanding job, fewer hours??) that would suit you better than total severance

• Write down all the practical aspects that you want to resolve ie pay, tax, unemployment insurance, references etc etc

-Plan a treat for yourself once meeting is over so that you have something to look forward to afterwards

As for healthy eating, exercise, housework etc I think you just have to be kind to yourself and acknowledge that you are feeling rough and take tiny tiny steps in each area every day ie

today I will eat an apple as a snack instead of a biscuit
today I will walk around block
today I will do 15 mins cleaning kitchen tops

and pat yourself on the back if you manage any or all of them!

and anything else achieved is then a bonus!

Take it steady!!

Sorry, it must be terribly hard dealing with chronic health probs but HTH a tiny bit anyway x

Thank you very much SC

I will go through what the plan is for the meeting with DH tonight, as I will forget everything otherwise and TBH I feel like I'm just going to sit there like a lemon and let them say whatever they want. I'm preparing myself to yet again be told that it must be homeschooling that's caused the relapse (I will explain for the gazillionth time that relapses happen when I get a virus on top of everything else as my immune system gets overwhelmed). I have a colleague coming with me, she's a good friend and very supportive. I have a couple of other people most definitely on my side as well, one has a DD with a lot of similar issues and she has told me she's tried to explain several times what I am dealing with, but I don't think she rates their understanding very highly, IYSWIM.

Thankfully DH is off tomorrow and while the DCs are at one of their clubs in the evening we will have some time together so I know that'll help.

Good luck in working out a plan of action fuzz and I hope the meeting goes better than expected.

Sorry Fuzzpig read my post back from yesterday and it seems rather bossy and far too directive

[Was about to dash off somewhere so style a bit clipped]

Just thought it might be helpful if you could regain a bit of sense of control over job situation; great to know that you will have support at the meeting and that you will have some child-free time with your dh today.

Good luck with it all! x

No, not at all SC! It was lovely of you and I didn't take it as bossy or directive!

Meeting was actually ok. I was able to explain a bit more about what is difficult. They seemed more supportive in person actually. It was the deputy not the manager and I think she was more nervous than me as she's not done it before!

Basically the outcome was that for now nothing has changed, they aren't pressuring me to go back or talking about 'what if I can't come back' yet so we are just plodding along as we are. Another meeting in a month or so which will be more serious and formal, if I'm not back by then.

They even said they'll find out for me if I can pop in now and again without it 'reflecting badly' on my absence, as they do understand that it's not as clear cut as some illnesses and that I can (and should) leave the house some days. It will really help if they say it's ok.

So anyway I still feel very much in limbo but I think I can relax a bit as they aren't close to kicking me out or anything. Emotionally I feel a bit better now and I think I will be able to relax a bit.

Fuzzpig that is great news! So good that you feel happier about things and that they seemed supportive. Fingers crossed about you being able to pop in and keep in touch which would be a good thing!