About 4 years ago, my family went through a bit of a nightmare situation. Teenage DS developed severe difficulties as a result of undiagnosed ASD, we think. Teenage DD, witnessing daily chaos went a bit of the rails with her behaviour towards us and DS (making him worse) and schoolwork suffered.
The result was we, as parents had daily trauma to contend with while DH continued to try and work and I tried to hold things together at home.
DS and DD now doing better academically and in general although still have issues. DH though has symptoms that I think are PTSD from these events plus difficult work situations plus medical issue.
I've only recently realised this is what is might be, previously thought depression. But he also has nightmares, periods of total shutdown including being unable to speak, flashbacks, whole body twitches. He thinks it will all be cured if our teenage children behave more thoughtfully and I get more organised in the house then he won't be so stressed.( DS is uncommunicative with his Dad which DH takes personally. DD likes to get her own way or can get difficult which DH can't deal with.
I possibly don't tackle these as head on as I should as I'm nervous of what kicks off whenever there is disagreement. DD tends to blow up, DS starts getting involved then all of a sudden it's chaos again. ) I can understand where he is coming from. He just wants a nice family life and to not feel taken advantage of financially. But his symptoms are still there even if he is working away. In fact they can get worse with the loneliness to the point of being suicidal.
I've tried to get him to see that he probably needs help beyond us being nicer towards him. He is convinced our family issues are the problem and he is therefore going to leave and not see us ever again because that will fix things for him. He has left before and I have brought him round from it and promised to change. Trying with kids but they don't put him first. They should but they are teenagers. I get some things sorted but there is always something I should have done and haven't so we're back here again.
How can I convince him to get help, or do I let him go his own way to look after himself. Love him to bits and relationship otherwise good. I'm nearly broken myself from same family issues but I've been patient and supportive. Just not as organised as I'd like to be and it winds him up. He is usually thoughtful and loving and puts us first which ends up him feeling more taken advantage of as kids in particular don't reciprocate and often not grateful.
Please help. Any suggestions on how to persuade to see doctor particularly welcome. I have tried persuasion and failed. Has said he knows he ought to get help but if he does he will never forgive us all for him needing to do that. Want a life with him when kids fly the nest so do I come down hard on kids to bring them in line and deal with whatever kicks off. Or do I cast him adrift to deal with his own demons and put kids first even though they aren't always doing the right thing. Neither way seems fair for me or him but I am at such a loss what to do. And it is crunch time, if it isn't already too late as DH thinks he can't cope with this any more and wants out. Help.