Getting worse. Don't want baby.

[Lou280]

I've written previous posts about my severe antenatal depression with this third (unplanned) pregnancy. I'm sorry to post again. I don't know where to turn. Have been for more counselling, keep trying depression hotlines to talk to someone, but can never get through. Feel I can no longer talk to family as they are sick of it and don't know what to do. I feel crushingly claustrophobic about having to go back to dealing with a newborn. Baby is third boy, so no one is excited and all comments negative/horrified, it does not help. I am 33 weeks and cringe every time I feel a kick. The physical exhaustion and heartburn makes me want to cry all day. All of it for a baby I didn't, and don't, want. I fantasize about running away from it all, just getting in the car and driving. I fantasize about giving birth then leaving the baby at the hospital to be adopted, and telling everyone it didn't survive (I know how horrible that is, but I just keep thinking it). I don't wish the baby any harm, I just don't want a baby. I've seriously considered adoption, but everyone looks at me as if I have three heads. My boys (7 and 3.5) are excited about their new brother, but I can't even talk about it. I clam up and want to cry every time someone mentions the baby.

I just thought things would get better. If I had known in the beginning what I know now, there is no way I would have been persuaded to keep this pregnancy. I just don't know what to do anymore. I cannot believe this is my real life and I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

I think it is the depression "talking" - it makes us think things about ourselves and our circumstances that aren't true - it's a nasty deceitful illness. Physical illnesses don't do that to us.

Are you on meds - I know there are some you can take while your pregnant. Did you have antennal depression with your other pregnancies. It's highly likely that the depression will subside once the baby is born. You'll have to see how you feel about the baby once he's here. What about your DH or DP - is he supportive? Do you have any RL support. Is your midwife/HV any use. I thought they were more geared up to supporting women with ante or post natal depression these days.

The other thing that depression does is make us think that we'll never get better - it has some dirty tricks up its sleeve I tell you. So it makes us feel like shit and if that isn't enough tells us we'll never get better. Don't believe it.........you will get better, although I know it's hard for you to believe that now.

I have no words of advice just a hand to hold. Do you have a dh/dp??

I'm rubbish as I have no advice but just want to say that I've felt the way you feel and know the loneliness, guilt and desperation that comes with it. It's shit, really shit.
You seem like you are doing all the right things and accessing the help available.

Thank you. Even just getting these thoughts out there and getting a response is helpful. I feel so isolated, despite having a great family. My DH is very supportive, but I feel so guilty putting all of this on him all the time. He works a lot, but when he's home he's very hands on with the kids, very helpful, loving, and as understanding as possible. He is so kind to me even when I am at my darkest and can't find it in myself to be very kind to anyone. I feel even more guilty to be struggling so much even with a very supportive husband. I do feel a bit lonely with lack of a friend group right now. Many of my friends are very busy, in transition with their lives getting back to work or school, busy with their kids and families, etc. I am a SAHM at the moment and do feel quite lonely at times.

I feel so terrified of ruining my little family unit. I am an introvert and seriously need time to myself. How is that possible with three kids? This pregnancy feels like an invasion. I'm so worried I won't cope. I didn't have AND like this with my previous pregnancies, but I did have some PND, especially after my first. Sleep deprivation is soul-destroying for me, and I dread every bit of it. I'm in denial about the baby, have dreams that this was all a big nightmare and there is no baby after all, wake up every morning wishing I could turn back the clock...

I know I sound horrible, I'm sorry. I know I should count my blessings. I just feel this desperate need to escape, and it's impossible. Thank you for listening.

Would you be able to afford some home help? I don't think being alone with a baby is natural when you look at mums and babies throughout history and in different societies there are always in wider social networks that help with the baby.

I don't think you sound horrible and I actually think it would be better for you to discuss with your dh the possibility of you having an au pair or equivalent and may be going back to work.

My own mother was not maternal and some women just are not and it is better to acknowledge your feelings and deal practically with that than suffering as you clearly are.

You can take a back seat, allow others to take care of your baby as it is very important that you have time for yourself and to rest. I can not strss that enough.

Your mental health is at stake here and if a home help is not an option it might be better to ask your dh to transfer roles with you once the baby is born.

The first step was being honest which you have been. Well done. Next is to put in place practical steps so that you can recover fully.

Good luck op

I had similar feelings at times during my pregnancy, and that was with a planned baby. I just wanted to say you don't sound horrible. I think a lot of women probably feel similarly at times but it isn't talked about. I hope you manage to find a balance between your family and your own needs which are also important.

I wanted to cry reading that, and give you a big hug. You sound so absolutely overwhelmed with everything. Two small children and another on the way and its just too much for you. When your pregnant, it can feel as if you have no control to what is happening to your body. I'm sorry i dont have answers, but i do have sympathy and compassion for what you are going through. It just sounds to me that you have too many things going on & the added worry of going back to it all from the beginning.

You need to get some real life help. I don't know your circumstances or how much your partner/ family help, but you need to pull all your resources in now, you need to keep asking until you are heard and don't take no for an answer. Same with phoning places to speak to someone about your depression. You keep calling and keep looking until you find someone / the right someone who can help you and be a support to you.

I am sorry you are going through this, I really hope you can find some peace or a little bit of space for yourself. As for feeling that way toward the baby, you just have to allow those feelings right now, and maybe by sitting with them and not beating yourself about them, they can pass. Hugs sweetheart. Please keep hope in your heart.

@Lou280 I know this is a very old post, but I sent you a PM and would love to connect. My antenatal depression experience is so similar to yours. Please respond to me if you could.