Really scared I'm going to lose my children. Bipolar 1 and think I might be getting ill.

[QuickQuickNo]

I've been feeling off lately, like I do when I've not taken my meds and I'm getting withdrawal. Today I've been on hyperdrive and getting so worked up and angry about things, I'm a total dickhead.

My husband has gone away with work tonight, not back until Friday. I have plans tomorrow and Thursday so technically should be ok. But I'm just SUCH A FUCKING DICKHEAD. I'm so stressed and worked up and I feel dizzy and woozy and brain zaps like i'm not taking my medication, and I know I have been.

I'm terrified my medication is being tampered with in the factory, or maybe by the pharmacy. They don't think I need it so they're giving me pills made of flour and colouring to laugh at me.

I'm a massive ball of self hatred and self loathing alongside hating everybody else as well. I'm so worked up I feel sick.

I'm worried about reaching out to my MH team (my CPN is off sick so I just check in with a duty worker on the phone occasionally, never met her) in case they get social services involved and remove the kids or try to make me go into hospital, and then my husband will leave me and my friends will hate me (even though I have no friends and everybody hates me already) and I'll just end up living in a bedsit on my own crying every night about how shit my life is because I MADE IT THAT WAY.

I know reaching out to MN is a dick move because people only use MN to bully others and are generally pretty nasty, but I probably deserve it for being such a fucking cow. Honestly I am just the most horrible person you will ever meet.

Anyway. Social services were involved when my baby was 3/4 months old and I was admitted to a perinatal MH unit, though they shouldn't have been notified and I've been discharged from them now. But I had such a bad experience, it's a long story.

Fuck. Sorry. I'm just a mess.

Hello quick.

I work in a pharmacy and I guarantee you it's impossible to poison your medication. It's true honestly.

I just read your other thread and you're getting a tough ride there, hey? But no one on there knows you're unwell do if just get it removed or hide it. Have you any other friends or family to talk to? What about if you told dh how you're feeling?

Everyone would just freak out and call the CMHT, who would do an emergency assessment. Husband is in another country until Friday so not much he can do. I don't even know who I could talk to, I just feel like everyone hates me and I never know the right thing to say.

But thanks for replying

Well if we all knew the right thing to say all the time then we wouldn't be human would we? We all make mistakes, some more than others, but that doesn't make us bad does it?

Honestly my mind feels like it's twisting in knots. If I still feel like this tomorrow and it's not just a bad day I will call the duty worker. Just cried in the kitchen thinking about how I'm ruining my eldests sons life (4 and the sweetest most gentle loving boy you would ever meet) because all the school mums know me and can't stand me. I don't cause trouble in person or on Facebook and it's a (very) small town but I don't feel like I fit in. Ergh, I could rant all night about what a total shit I am but I'm in bed and only 6 hours until it's time to get up then another 3 until I can call cmht. Supposed to be taking my eldest out for the day though so can't let him down.

Gosh well maybe it's best if you try and rest now so you can take your son out tomorrow. Don't worry about anything else tonight, tomorrow is a new day. Where are you taking him? Is the baby going too?

We are here and listening Quickno. Agree with PP that tight pharmacy controls are there to make sure your meds are safe and as they should be.

Where are you off to tomorrow? I bet your son is looking forward to it.

Do you usually have a good relationship with your CPN? Any idea when they will be back? Really rubbish timing that they are off when your husband is away too. You can do this though, you are not alone.

Op has your brand of medication changed? ( ie same medication but by a different supplier?)
I have depression and severe anxiety/ocd. I have been taking sertraline for few years. Chemist changed my brand 3 times in 3 months.
I was a wreck, a complete state. Had sickness and diarrhea.
Yes same drugs in the medication but different in way they're made and different coatings or colourings etc.
I know some people think it's a placebo reaction, luckily my doctor isn't one of those people! I now have to take a certain brand and it can't be changed.( happens to be a crappy generic brand too!).
I'm the same with pain meds, unfortunately i can't get the ones that actually work for me as they're too expensive
Don't be scared to ask for help!
I know when i was very ill and my brain didn't make sense i was scared too, but it was the best thing to do x

It is definitely the right thing to do to call the cmht in the morning. What a shame that your cpn is away. I know it can feel scary asking for help but it sounds like some extra support would be helpful right now.

You don't sound horrible.
You sound ill.
BIG difference!
Do call someone tomorrow, and as for other school mums - I mean this kindly - they have their own lives and worries and stresses and you are probably not even on their radar at all, let alone them "hating" you!
And please....for your peace,of mind...get off Facebook. It's really not a good place for fragile and vulnerable people.
X

To put things into perspective I also have bipolar and have been in hospital three times this year (sectioned three times too) and not once have social services been involved.

Please ring your CMHT. The sooner you get some help the less likely you are to end up in hospital.

Call the duty worker. See if you can get some short term lorazepam to calm things down while they sort you out A mess review.

I have bipolar and SS haven't been involved when I've been hospitalised or sectioned.

The sooner you speak to someone to try and get some help, the less likely it is that you'll deteriorate to the point of needed inpatient help.

A meds review, not a mess review.

Hi, sorry I've not been able to access the site today for some reason? Probably just my terrible wifi/3g.

The baby (13 months) was up FIVE TIMES in the night, and then my 4 year old got up at 6am for a wee, got back in bed and started SCREAMING and sobbing at a ridiculous pitch, because I hadn't pulled the duvet over his feet, which then woke the baby.... ugh. I think the baby is just teething as he's just a bit snotty and slight temperature, but am giving him calpol and cuddles.

But we've had a nice day at a local country fair type thing, then pub lunch with a friend and her kids, now in our comfy clothes with a film and some cake. The baby has rubbed crumbs all over Daddys pride and joy sofa and is now eating a wooden sword.

Emotionally I'm ok, I still feel weird like I'm having withdrawal. It's a good point about the brand being different, I need to speak to a doctor but can't face ringing up and speaking to receptionists and trying to explain why I need an appointment as I'm assuming "i feel weird" isn't a correct answer to the appointment gateway.

I could text my CPN when I didn't feel able to ring but she's still off sick (long term). I'm going to try have a gentle night and maybe ring someone tomorrow.

Honestly it's like words and thoughts diarrhoea in my head, everything is just swirling round and spilling out.

Ring up and say your mental health isn't brilliant or it's an emergency and don't wish to talk about it to the receptionist?
I've had to ring up a few times when my mh has been really bad and i've been unable to wait for sn appointment.
Yes the change of brand thing is weird. It shouldn't change things as all the ingredients are the same, however different companies will use different coatings, colourings etc they can make the tablets absorb faster, slower or you can react differenly to them.
I had no idea till it happened to me!
I can only take a certain brand of anti depressants, and a the most expensive brand of one of my painkillers as none of the others work. X