I'm not sure what I want really.

[Flambola]

I'm currently 34 weeks pregnant with my second child but am suffering from extreme anxiety. The anxiety is entirely understandable as my first was stillborn in December last year. The problem is, I used to suffer from severe depression (have been sectioned before) and one of my coping mechanisms was to self-harm. Now I've not done this for a year or so but my urges are getting stronger as I lose my ability to cope with what's going on around me.

Last week, I felt overwhelmed and my first thought was to cut myself. However, I didn't want to upset my DH so tried to suppress those feelings - but then they manifested themselves in a huge panic attack which made me worry even more for the health of my baby.

I just don't know what to do. I can't eat or sleep. I sometimes wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. I keep thinking that there's no point - I'll lose this baby, just like I lost the last one, because I'm so useless.

For what it's worth, I'm taking 40mg Citalopram, and I'm well-supported by midwives and the community mental health team.

I'm not sure what I want from this post. I guess I just wanted to get it out of me because I'm crying at nearly 6am after no sleep wishing that I didn't exist.

I have no idea what to suggest. Just bumping and hand holding for you. Many of us have had complicated pregnancies and ones that ended in tragedy. And most have gone on to have highly anxious but ultimately healthy ones. Fingers crossed this is what happens for you. Hopefully you'll have many more sleepless nights ahead when your baby arrives!

Hun don't do that you sound like you've been through such a tough time so sorry about what happened but I used to selfharm for years my arms are so badly scard I now have a 8 week baby boy and I regret ever doing this to myself I will never cut again please stop and think what your child will ask or if he or she sees how would that make you feel? Because I feel like iv let myself down by giving in to those urges I did for so many years always here if you want to talk

Can you get in touch with your midwife or mental health team soon? Perhaps sharing how you feel with someone who you dint feel guilty burdening your thoughts with will help a little? I am sure though that your DH would want to know how you are feeling, and be very proud of you for how brave you must be to be pregnant again after the traumatic loss of your baby last year.

I don't know the circumstances of your loss, but you are not useless, you didn't choose what happened and you had no control over the outcome. Would seeing the midwife and having her check the baby make you feel any better? I am sure you are doing so well. Just hang on in there.