I don’t really know where to start with this, but this post is more about me than my DH. My DH has long standing MH issues, he’d been doing (so I thought) really well. Then recently, he was a bit off but no red flags or anything, he unexpectedly attempted suicide (not that you should ever "expect" that, but I didn't think things were that bad, I hope you know what i mean). He’s recovered from this, he says he’s ok, getting on alright. I don’t believe him. I am so worried about him I am now becoming ill.
Over the years he has attempted suicide several times and other times voluntarily gone to MH hospital when feeling unsafe. I don’t know where we are with all this anymore, it's happened again, I don’t know what our future is. If I’m honest with myself, I feel like I’m just waiting for him to be successful in his attempts. And that’s horrible. I feel like one day I’ll find him, and it’ll be too late, gone too far, whatever. I’m dreading it, everyday I feel sick with what I’m going to find when I get home, how he’s going to be. Don’t get me wrong, some days he’s great. And he can have long periods of being ok. But when he gets bad, his depression is severe, and I know it sounds selfish, but I don’t know what to do anymore, no support I offer makes a difference, over the years I’ve done and said, phoned everything and everyone I can think of to help. When he’s bad I feel like I’m living with this negative black hole which just sits on the sofa sighing, sucking the happiness out of anything and everything surrounding it. That sounds awful and so harsh on him, because it’s not his fault he’s ill, I know that, he fights hard against it, trys to keep himself mentally healthy, but sometimes it’s too much for him.
Every time this happens, The MH team are great, he gets support, then back to GP and they say he's doing well, sign off. All OK, everyone carry on as normal. I can't, every time it's harder to bounce back. I'm just waiting for next time.
I’ve been there through everything, over many years, every attempt, every hospitalisation takes a part of my strength that doesn’t return, I feel an emotional shell of the person I was 15 years ago. I honestly don’t know any more what else I have to give. He’s said that he’s surprised I haven’t left, I love him very much, but I know he’s terrified that I will leave and take the DC, who he adores.
This is my second concern, the DC. He tries very hard not to let things show around them, he is a great dad, he really is, he loves them so much. Given what has happened in the past, I’m surprised that SS haven’t been involved, a phone call, a letter, a visit. Nothing. I wonder if someone in the know could tell me if they are likely to have made some enquiries behind the scenes without our knowledge, maybe to the GP or their school? Or, if when the crisis team have seen him, the MHT haven’t seen anything that think there is any cause for concern for the DC?
All of this is getting too much for me, my head is going 100 mph constantly, and I’m at a point where any small thing is causing me to panic. I’m sat here at working shaking and feeling sick because I haven’t heard from him today. I know it’s 99.999% likely that he’s just busy at work and can’t text (he has a FT job despite everything) I know that, but my mind is running and thinking all sorts, that he’s not gone in to work and then gone off somewhere with the intention of doing himself some harm. I must stress that I don’t genuinely think that, it's just thoughts, otherwise of course I would phone his work and check he was there, but the thoughts are there all the time making me panic, running through my head, even if he’s not necessarily done anything to warrant them.
Is this going to be the rest of our lives? :(