feeling really low

[MountainDweller]

This is my first thread here... I just don't know what to do anymore.
The last few weeks I have been struggling with constant anxiety, now this week I can't stop crying. Really stupid things have sent me into hysterical tears. It's happened in public and I know I'm behaving like a three year old. I just can't get control of it. I want to be left alone and never have to deal with other people again. It's hard to explain, I just feel the whole world is against me, I don't matter at all and everything is an injustice. I think the tears are partly angry tears... I don't know why... But I have been screaming and throwing things in the privacy of my own home (not proud of this) and I want to hurt myself (I haven't), but am afraid that it wouldn't take much before I start bashing my head against a wall, or drive my car off the road.
There are some things that are making life hard at the moment... My DH is away for work during the week in another country. It's likely to be for at least a year. We have financial problems (which will be helped by his new job abroad). I am recovering (not so much) from a pelvis/hip and leg injury that happened mid-June, I'm in pain all the time. I can't sit at all and have to lie or stand but there are no comfortable positions! I am not coping with that very very well. I have had x-Ray - possibly a minor pelvic fracture. Dr said he is putting off MRI (which would show any tendon or ligament damage as well as confirm the fracture) because he says he doesn't want to put me through it unnecessarily and the treatment will be the same whatever it is - rest. I feel I would like to know what is going on so I can get an idea of how long recovery will be, because at the moment I'm not improving at all and feel like it's going to go on for ever. I may call tomorrow and ask if we can bring my next appt forward (not in the UK so should be possible). I'm having difficulty getting across exactly how much pain I'm in, which is frustrating. I also have chronic pain from 2 other conditions and a shed load of medication!
I was on Prozac until June this year... Had been on it for 7 years and was fine on it until January when I started shaking. A lot. Cue lots of investigations, which eventually concluded that it was either the Prozac or the prebagalin reacting with the other meds. So I tapered very slowly off the Prozac, was doing fine at first but now I'm not at all fine. People are telling me how great it is that I'm off ADs and I do feel that, and proud of myself for getting off them, and it would be a shame to have to go back on (obviously something other than Prozac!). But I'm just not coping with life at all. I can't go on like this.
I have been taking my benzos the last few days which help a bit with the crying but I have had to up my opiate meds as well because of the injury so I am in a bit of a stupor and sleeping/waking at stupid times, so not ideal. Somehow I have to get my act together to pick up DH from the airport at 23.30 tomorrow night and be up to take the car in for a service at 7.30 the next morning. Really I want to stay in bed for the foreseeable future, because having to do anything at all brings on the anxiety or the crying. I can't bear to talk to anyone, I just want to be left alone, so I'm ignoring the phone and messages apart from DH. He knows I am not doing great but not the extent of it.
I don't really know what I'm asking fro here, but please help, I'm afraid I'm going to lose it completely.
Thanks for reading, sorry it's long.

Hi, OP. That all sounds like a hell of a lot to be dealing with. Just the amount of physical pain on its own would be a massive amount to cope with. I've had a lot of health issues lately causing pain and I felt emotionally sapped by it.

There are support threads on here, on MN' s general health board, about dealing with chronic pain which I have found useful to read. Also I had an MRI, which apart from some clanging noises was no big deal really from the patient experience perspective, and I found it helpful to have it tell me all the things I didn't have to worry about as well as the things I did, IYSWIM, so yes I think you are right to pursue this.

And can you talk to your DH honestly about what's going on.

Sorry if this isn't much use. I don't even know why I'm awake. (5.41 am here.)

Thanks for replying Liney** - it helps to know that someone is listening.

Sorry you have chronic pain too... It's the pits isn't it? I will check out the chronic pain threads... I know there is a back pain one.

I've had an MRI before... Don't know what doctor was worried about but I am concerned about having to hold myself in an uncomfortable position for the duration. For he X-ray they asked me to turn my hip inwards and it was awful, even though it was only for a few seconds. But I do want to know what's going on. Anyway, I have brought forward my Drs appointment and hopefully can move on from there.

DH is back now for the weekend (he works one day a week from home). He knows I am struggling but I find it hard to tell him exactly how bleak I feel because there is nothing he can do about being away, and I don't want him to feel bad about it. Sigh, so difficult.

Thanks again

Best of luck with your doctor's appointment. And maybe think about opening up a bit more with the doctor and with your DH. You could tell your DH that you know he can't fix it, that's what the doctor's for, but you would appreciate a bit of extra hand holding?

When I'm having a really bad day my OH (who is not perfect by any means; who is?) goes into 'kind mode' and it sort of helps a bit to know I'm cared about.

Oh that's an awful lot to cope with MD - to be honest it sounds to me like you are clinically depressed. In the first line of your post you say you have been struggling with constant anxiety, and this very often "tips over" into depression. I suffer from depression and feel exactly like you on bad days, wanting to hide away from the world, crying bouts etc. I think you need to see the GP about going back on ADs - I don't know why people think it's good to come off ADs - I learned the hard way. They kept me well for 15 years after my first severe episode of depression and I came off them very gradually but relapsed 4 months after finally finishing them and for the past 6 years have suffered fluctuations in my MH - seem to be getting worse each year. How I wish I'd never come off them.

Having said that though, after one episode of depression we have a 50% chance of getting another episode. The physical pain is enough to make you depressed too. Sorry I can't offer much advice about that but wonder if the GP is putting off the MRI because of cost.

You aren't "going to lose it completely" but the fact that you think this is a measure of the intensity of your anxiety and depression. Anxiety is fear - fear of the present, fear of the future. Mental illness is an absolute torment and can't be understood by anyone who is fortunate enough not to have personal experience. I have so often wished it was the sort of illness that could be fatal, like cancer.

Please see your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling and tell your DH too. You don't mention children so assume you don't have any, and what about work? Do you have RL support?

I can't understand why people say things like its great when you come off ad's. I always think it makes it sound like we chose to be ill!! Why have you come off them and not just switched to another med? I thought I was better after 6 months of being on Prozac ( it was the Prozac making me feel better)! Within 4 months of tapering off I was severely depressed again. I think you should talk to your doctor about what other medication you could try for depression.

Thank you all for replying - it means a lot. Sorry I haven't been back to the thread, just a little update.

Nana, I think you are right, I am depressed. Actually more so than ever I think, as I was put on meds pretty quickly last time. It's a bit better when DH is here but I can't bring myself to tell him... I don't want him worrying about me when he is working away. The rest of the time I seem to swing between anxiety and crying - it's pretty awful and I'm struggling to cope with things. Every single thing I have to do feels overwhelming.

I don't have any children (it didn't happen for me and I'm too old now), I don't know what I'd do if I had to look after others, I can barely manage the cats! I work a bit from home, although not much at the moment. I struggled through a project in August but I've torn some muscles and tendons in my hip and sitting is almost impossible. I have friends locally who I can meet for coffee etc which is nice, and some who can help me out occasionally with shopping and stuff. A lot of them are going through tough times too so I feel bad leaning on them too much, especially with the mental stuff.

So I had the MRI and it showed the torn muscles and tendons in my hip... There's no treatment apart from physiotherapist, rest and time. So I have at least another couple of months of resting it. The MRI was very painful from staying in the required position; I saw the dr afterwards and burst into tears because it is all so crap. He agreed that I need to get some help, but he doesn't want to prescribe ADs because it's not really his remit - he's an injuries specialist. He told me to try to see a psychiatrist, so I'm going to try and get a name from my counsellor (she can't prescribe). (I'm not in the UK btw but I know I will still have a wait to see someone.) I have a GP appt in a couple of weeks so I could ask him but don't know if he will want to make decision on psych meds. It's complicated because I'm on a lot of meds already so they'll need to look at everything else I take. The reason I was happy to be off the ADs is because of all the other meds... I just don't feel like I want anything else in my system. A lot of the Drs I see are saying that 5 is enough for my system to cope with and I'm on about 10!

Sorry I have waffled a lot.... Any ideas to help me manage while i wait for an appointment?

My counsellor suggested I go back to my neurologist, as there's an antidepressant called cymbalta which is also used to treat nerve pain. I'd need to see if it was suitable to take with my other meds (not an SSRI which is a good start) but if it is I could ultimately drop the lyrica that I take for nerve pain, thus not increasing the overall quantity of different meds. Seems like a good idea to me. I can't get an appointment till 3 November though. Isn't it frustrating when you take the difficult decision to ask for help, then realize that there is no instant help and somehow you have to get through another three weeks