Struggling to understand

[damewalterscott]

I have name changed for this. Not really sure why.
I am feeling very low at the moment but don't understand why. I am probably depressed but I won't admit it to myself and I will not seek external help. I am trying to fight it but as I don't understand where or why I don't really know how to move forward.
As a teenager I suffered quite severely from what I now know was depression. I took an overdose at 14 and spent 14 years with an eating disorder.I had no support and managed to conquer the latter with self taught CBT. Up until nearly three years ago I was very content with my life and just felt "normal" and happy.
Since the birth of my last dc (#4 who is 2.10yrs) I have really struggled with my mood. It is not consistently low but generally I just feel an overwhelming sense of physical heaviness. I just can't be bothered. I have no motivation to do anything which makes me incredibly sad as I used to be a good mum but now I just go through the motions. I have a very negative thought pattern, I am withdrawing from my friends and family. I am not the person I was or the person I want to be. But I don't know why. I want to be back to myself. I want to feel confident and like I am interacting with people on a normal level. I want to enjoy my life and feel in control and have the energy to explore new things but I don't and I still don't know why or how to change it. Physically I have done everything - I try and exercise regularly, I try to eat well, drink plenty and get sleep. I take supplements as I thought it could be hormonal but it doesn't seem to go away.
What do I do now? I really don't want to go to my GP and take medication. I have read that CBT can help but how? If so can someone point me in the right direction for some resources.
Thank you for listening.

Hopefully someone more knowledgeable than me will post on your thread but in the meantime I have two thoughts:

mindfulness/meditation - HE centres often offer classes, as do community bodies. There are lots of excellent guided meditations online too.

St John's Wort might help a bit - takes a few weeks though.

Hi damewalterscott I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I know you say you don't want to see your gp, but given youve been feeling this way for a while it may be what you need.

Behaviour therapy is a really positive step to help change behaviour and coping mechanisms, so that you learn to deal with stress/ life differently. But if the way you're feeling has been going on for a while, then you may well need anti depressants to get you back on an even keel.

If you can think of it as a chemical imbalance in your brain, your natural levels just need topping up again. They become depleted through times of stress and ADs will help build up your levels until your body starts making the amount you need again. CBT alongside this will change how your body reacts to stress, so will help reduce you getting low again.

If you can see your gp and outline all you have done already and your concerns about not wanting medication, they will be able to say what they think would be best for you. CBT alone may indeed be what they recommend, but they should be able to refer you (although some areas have waiting lists for this).

Ps am not an expert, just been there, done that a few times...