Please help...feeling like there's no way out

[Ikeatears]

I'm in the middle of the most severe depression and anxiety 'episode' I've ever had. Now having thoughts of self harm and suicidal thoughts are constant. I can't stand the anxiety. Had fluoxetine but felt so much worse, back to mirtazapine and had a little sleep but the sedative affect seems to have worn off and I'm back to bit sleeping. GO had been next to useless.
Yesterday my friend rang the crisis line and self referred to counselling service. I have an appointment this morning.
I am so so scared, of everything, of the appointment, of being involved with the mental health services, of being left alone and actually carrying out some of the things that are in my thoughts, of losing dh and my children, of never, ever being free of this fucking horrible torment. Please please please help me!!!!

Sorry - back to NOT sleeping and GP has been next to useless

Try and speak to the mental health crisis team - in my experience they are really helpful. Mental health services generally are incredibly stretched so longer term help may be trickier but immediate / crisis help is usually excellent. If you feel worse re suicidal you can go to A&E and again generally they are great or if you cannot actually face taking yourself phone 111 and they will send you a paramedic car and take you if necessary.
You shouldn't lose the children either if you engage with mental health services - that is seen as a positive thing.
Good luck

Thanks for the reply. Apart from my GP and some some CBT a few years ago, I haven't been involved with mental health services before and I'm so frightened. I feel like I'm opening a box that I can't shut

I'm also scared that if I'm on my own and I feel that bad, I won't look for help. How can this be happening? My head feels like it will explode

I know what you mean, just try and take it a minute at a time if necessary. The crisis team will help you create a crisis plan which will get you thro those scary moments

The only thing to fear is fear itself. That has kept me going through such times as this.

Sounds like you are experiencing overthinking, and are catastrophising. Just take things a bit at a time.

Go to the appointment. If you haven't had an assessment appointment yet, it is likely to be one, with lots of questions. Try to answer as concisely as possible. If you've had that already, this will be a fist appointment to start counselling, to make introduvtions with your counsellor and find out who they are, how they work, what you can expect from each other.

You can't come up with all the anwers on your own, the MH services are there to help you. I have found counselling very helpful to give me the skills and knowledge to make more healthy choices. It hasn't stopped depression, but it has helped me cope with bouts of it, helped me to minimise the bad effects of it, helped me to recover each time more quickly and know whan, and how, to get help.

I can't stop crying. I don't even know how I'll speak

I know. That's ok. It's all part of going to counselling, it helps with managing all that. Plus, as you say, youve had a change in meds and it takes time for all that to settle. Plus, lack of sleep upsets the hormones.

Have you eaten something yet today?

I can't eat. I can't make myself swallow - it just gets stuck in my throat

I'm getting myself completely worked up I can't stop shaking and crying and I'm so so frightened

Deep breaths. Have a drink. Try to get some vitamins and nutrition.

The thing to do with the fear is to do the counselling anyway, despite the fear. Don't let the fear control you. Manage the fear, and next time it will be easier.

Thanks. It was a psychiatric nurse with the mental health team who I saw. I've been given diazepam and quetiapine and the community mental health team are going to come out every day for at least the next week. I feel devastated that it's come to this but in almost equal measure, I feel relieved that I seem to be getting somewhere

So glad that they are attending to your needs. Hang in there. Let us know here how you get on each day.

Thanks Peace. Has anyone had any experience of quetiapine or diazepam? What can I expect?