Every minute of every day I am fighting against this all consuming urge to buy a bottle of vodka and swallow down all if my painkillers (when I have a cupboard full of controlled medications this would easily finish me off).
My cpn and psychiatrist have drawn up a plan that includes DH locking away said medication and only leaving out a days worth at a time. He's decided he doesn't need to do this and they're over reacting. This to me says he doesn't take how I'm feeling seriously, that he sees this all as a bit of a joke. It doesn't help my cpn spends our sessions talking to me about her problems.
I'm sick of pain and I'm sick of pain having taken my entire life away from me. I have got no one to talk to who will take me seriously or who won't turn it onto them.
If I go to the medicine cabinet I'm not sure if I'll take them or flush them down the loo to stop me taking them. I'm at desperation stakes and don't know what to do. If I ask for help I'll be signed off. If I'm signed off ill lose my job. I'm lost. I'm tired. I'm really really tired.