I'm suicidal.

[nannyplumislostinspace]

I haven't name changed, so if you recognise me please don't out me. My husband had gone out with my son. I'm writing this to keep me busy so I don't go through with it.

I have a beautiful son (15 months) I can't cope with him. I'm such a crap parent. He spends every minute whinging or screaming with me. He's fine at nursery and with my husband. I feel they would both be better off without me.

I don't understand why everyone else can look after him but I can't.

Your son's life would be blighted forever if you took your own life - please believe me and use that thought to prevent yourself from doing something you cannot take back.

You are the centre of his universe.
You are not a crap mother.
Many babies/young toddlers whinge more with their mother than with anybody else because they feel safest with her.
Your son loves you and depends on you and needs you to be around.

Have you told anybody in RL how bad you are feeling?

Please hold on, I care. Can you please call Samaritans • 08457 90 90 900_ * (UK)?? They will help you through this. I'm so sorry you're feeling so down but this will pass. I care xx??

You will not feel as bad as you do just now forever.
You will feel better again.
But yes, you have to find a way to hang on and seek help.

Do you have help? Medication? A CPN? Counselling of any kind??

I have been there and when you get to the end of this phase of your condition and it will end, I absolutely promise you, you will realise how lost, not just your dh and your ds would be without you, but your friends and family too. You can and you will get through. Please talk to some in real life, most especially your dh.

Thank you all for your messages. I don't have any support in real life. I've told my husband that I'm suicidal but I don't think he realises that I'm serious. I asked him to help me and he just took my son out.

I don't really have any friends or family. I love my husband but he thinks I'm making fuss over nothing.

Oh, love.
You need to reach out again.
Could you show him this thread?

Speak to your HV, your GP, friends, family?

Ring the Samaritan's as suggested upthread before you hurt yourself.

Ah, sorry, x-posted with you.

How long have you felt bad for?

You are the most important person in the world to your son.

You are obviously very poorly and you when you get better you look back & realise how much you are worth.
Please go to a&e and tell them how you feel.

Thinking of you x

I couldn't read and not reply. I lost my brother to suicide 11 years ago and I saw his journey from a healthy young lad into a very ill she'll of his former self. I've always felt I could have helped him more so I couldn't pass your post by without helping.

You've done the best first step in letting someone know how you're feeling. Your husband may not have reacted how you expected him to but he is probably shocked by your admission and may feel taking your son out for a while may give you some time to relax and unwind.

Please consider calling Samaritans or another suicide prevention line. They will be able to talk to you and give you specific help.

Always remember, you are not alone!!

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources - here. You can also go to the Samaritans' website here, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.

All the very best from MNHQ

Nannyplum my suspicion is your dh does not know how to help you or what to say. Dh was the same he was the king of practical solutions aka take the pressure off by minding the kids but over time he realised I needed to be heard and he is much better now. You have a horrible, horrible illness and sometimes it is easier to think of it as a cancer attaching you and you ask yourself how you can fight back. You need real life support like the samaratians and you need to get some practical support to move past this.

and virtual support and good wishes are all I can offer from here but you can do this.

I think it's true that many men are better at the doing something rather than just listening and fail to realise how important it is to acknowledge your distress as real and horrible.
My DH is a 'fixer' and not a 'listener' which has caused problems here too.

Please speak to him again.
And contact your GP tomorrow and ask for an emergency appointment on the day.
Also, most A+E departments have access to a member of the MH team day and night, 24/7.
Please seek help if you feel you are coming close to acting on how you are feeling.

Apologies for the error in my previous message - we see this is already in the Mental Health topic! Sorry OP.

Thank you all so much. You are all so kind. I'm not going to do anything today. My husband is back. We are going to talk and go to gp tomorrow.

I'm so pleased OP. You always have support here - even if it is just virtual I hope that means something.

Good luck nanny. Keep talking. Keep asking for help. X

Oh good, nanny.
Whether you manage to speak to your DH tonight or not, I hope you get some sleep and wish you luck tomorrow at your appointment.
You are doing the right things by seeking help.