Really not managing my anxiety

[Puttheheatingon]

I don't expect any replies but I have to write this all down before I crash.

I'm really struggling with both anxiety and depression atm, the former of which is becoming unmanageable. I'm taking 20mg of citalopram, having gone up from 10, and before that sertraline, which made me feel manic.

I've had this for six years. Eighteen months ago I got myself of citalopram and all was fine. But from around June of this year it all started to go wrong again.

I'm severely stressed out with work. My workload is insane, and although I get through it all, I don't feel I do anything particularly well (I'm a perfectionist, this I know). I need to deliver on two concurrent projects tomorrow and it's not going to happen through no fault of my own. I stand a good chance of delivering by the end of the week but I feel I've failed.

I'm senior but can't delegate because my position hasn't been formalised. I've tried to increase my hours but my application has been rejected twice. There's nothing more my manager can do in that respect (it was rejected much higher up). Meanwhile, I'm being asked to do more and more. My HoD knows I'm struggling and has been great, btw. My line manager, however, refuses to see any issue. She could delegate some of my tasks but won't.

I can't do this. I can't. Not working isn't an option and I am looking elsewhere, but due to the nature of my job that's not straightforward. Time off for stress is looked on very badly.

I hope that it helped to get your thoughts down on paper. You appear to have a very balanced perspective on things.

Would you say that you're being asked to do more than can reasonably be expected from the role you are paid to do? E.g. more than your hours would permit? Or is it a case that you are being paid to do stuff at 50% perfection and you personally would rather do it at 100%?

Are you in kind of counselling support?

Much appreciated.

I'm on the waiting list for counselling.

Wrt my work, it's a bit of both. I can't do everything in the time I have to do it, and I want to that work to an excellent standard. I'm having to do a few hours work on my days off just to keep on top of it. Others in the department seem to get away with not doing things on time, but I don't. My line manager was visibly annoyed when I mentioned that I may not deliver on Monday. Yet of that team during that meeting, not one of them ever meets a deadline.

I struggle to eat. I struggle to socialise. I've more of less completely withdrawn at work, too.

It sounds as though you may have a "Try hard driver". I do too. Have you heard of 'drivers' in this context?

No, I haven't - I do like to try hard...

If you're curious, just Google something like "Try hard driver".

When things are tough I presume that it just means I need to try a little harder. It came as a revelation to learn that it doesn't .