I'm looking for advice please as I've been trying to do things that I thought would help but he can't articulate what will help, if anything, and is in a very bad place at the moment so feeling very defeatist about it all.
In summary: we both suffer from depression and intrusive thoughts (so I understand a little bit) and we are also quite anxious, but his is crippling - he has been waking up with panic attacks and nightmares for the past week when he already has health-related sleep issues and has had so little sleep that he is going to go to the GP to ask for meds, even though he hates the idea. He's going through some personal upheaval as well, which is contributing.
We live far enough away that I only see him once or twice a week for a few hours. We email and talk on Skype when we don't see each other. I have tried: being chilled (!) especially about us meeting up as the logistics of that stress him out, so for example although we are both free this weekend he didn't want to meet so that he could try and sleep and I didn't try and persuade him otherwise, just agreed off the bat (knowing full well he wouldn't sleep at all, as has indeed been the case); I've tried little gifts to cheer him up; suggesting some of my coping mechanisms (in a nice way, difficult to convey in a MN post but I promise having had poor mental health on and off for fifteen years I know how not to be patronising about suggestions); reasoning him out of worries as he's really smart, so if he says "I'm worried about ABC and it will go wrong", I say "well it'll be okay because of X, which leads to Y, which leads to Z". I have also let him know how much I care for him etc. so that he doesn't feel insecure in m affection.
At the moment things are difficult, especially when he tries to duck out of meeting up 'just in case' something might go wrong, all of which stems from his anxiety rather than any problem he has with me (we had a discussion a few weeks ago and he was in tears telling me how much he cares for me but he's so worried about letting me down or hurting me). But I know this is temporary as he hasn't always been this anxious, and he has been reasonably good at dealing with the depression and eating issues I had last month... those are on the mend again as I do seem to have better coping mechanisms (I'm not sure why this is). And I know that my illness is an every few years thing and he has said similar.... so if I can support him in the right way things will get better.
I guess my question is - is there anything else I can do to support him, given the distance? My usual method of being available for hugs at a drop of a hat won't quite work! If you have anxiety, what helps you for your other half to do? I have asked him but he says he doesn't know and then that stresses him out even more so I'm wary of asking again.