Dealing with a Narcissistic mother; non-contact or how to healthily limit contact?

[GrandHighWitch]

I have been on MN for nearly a decade (sporadically) but have recently namechanged.
Without banging on for pages about the headfuckery that I have been subjected to, here is a nutshell of recent events that have led me to consider NC or LC with my mother:
I am the eldest of 5 (+1 half sister who is thankfully not part of the situation) and fit nicely into the Scapegoat stereotype, the second youngest is the Golden Child and the remaining siblings are what I recently discovered is called Flying Monkeys - honestly, for such a horrendous situation they do come up with some god-awful names for it all!!

My mother has, amongst many other vile abusive tactics, couched vile lies about me in a thin veil of concern, for as long as I can remember - lots of "I'm so concerned about GHW, she is such a horrible person/social climber/compulsive liar/bad parent etc etc" to anyone who will listen, including my closest friends. Ironic really as she seems to be describing herself to a T!!
I moved to the other end of the country a few years ago and hoped that the distance would help, but on a recent visit to see her and friends in the local area, I discovered she had upped her slagging-off tactics considerably in my absence. I felt that confrontation was my only option but having researched the dynamic, realised that expressing any upset would be the worst thing to do. Instead I went for the fighting fire with fire option and turned it around on her - basically saying that I didn't care what she said about me, but that countless people had told me what she was saying and I was becoming increasingly concerned that they were regarding her badly for being so unkind about her own child. Rather sneaky of me to play on one of the biggest fears of someone with NPD, but I knew it would be the only way to make her consider altering her behaviour. I kept my voice calm and emotionless but hadn't anticipated such a violent reaction from her. She screamed and shouted abuse, then flew at me as if to hit me before suddenly checking herself. I almost wish that she had hit me as she wouldn't have been able to lie her way out of that! She then drove off and didn't return until after DH, the DC and I had left - although she did call the goldenchild who made a very ostentatious show of rushing upstairs and whispering urgently

I haven't spoken to my mother since this incident and would happily never speak to her again, if it weren't for the fact that NC with her would mean losing contact with my siblings over whom she has a great deal of control. I am also mindful of the impact that NC would have on our DC, who adore their uncles and aunts and are currently unaware of the dynamics. She has called our home a couple of times to speak to DS (for his birthday) and once to talk to me (DH told her I was out!), but I really don't have the energy to talk to her. Does anyone have experience of tackling NPD parents in a healthy way?

I would just suggest you tell her what you are not enjoying, in terms of how she is treating you and how it makes you feel. Suggest that you really want to keep in contact however ... And then set some boundaries with her (ask her to refrain from telling lies about you or whatever) . When she breaks those boundaries tell her that she has not listened to what you are needing from her right now and reiterate that you want a relationship with her but that she needs to ... Reiterate boundaries again. Sometimes you just need to be firm and you need yo keeo putting your boundary in place. Take it seiousky abd out distance between her (whatever you are happy with - no physical contact but telephone calls once a week or whatever). Stick to what you need. Put the boundary in place when she doesn't listen (irrelevant of what she is telling others). It's not surprising you got a reaction from her she has always been able to do what she does and she don't like you putting boundaries down. (Just stay calm when you do as you already did).
If people (who she talks to about you) know you well enough they will talk to you/ask for clarity about situations. If it's siblings you want to stay in contact with just tell them. (I.e. She (mum) has been doing this, I am not happy with this anymore and need her to respect my wishes). only if they ask tell them you about the boundaries being in place, otherwise it's not really their business - it's between you and your mother. Try and keep the relationships separate. By the way, I'm sorry. It sounds hard and maybe your siblings won't understand but if you need to feel comfortable around your mum again, it sounds like you need to use these tools. I hope that is some help to you and you're welcome to discard that advice. I know the hardline isn't for everyone but it does become necessary when absolutely desperate. Good luck :)

TBH my experience with my NPD mother is she will never 'get it'. She's 74yrs old and still craps all over everyone, has no interest in her grandchildren, expects us to be there to provide her with her 'narcissistic supply', and has a sense of entitlement that would make the Queen of Sheba look modest.

Only you can answer your question about whether to go NC or try to set boundaries. If you have a 'toxic' parent it about how much you're willing to emotionally give and take before it impacts your family to a point that it contaminates your life, adversely effects your mental well being and that of your family.

It's a lonely decision, but in my case I am glad I went NC.

Sigh, I wish I had the answers. I too am a scapegoat. I live a long way away from my narc mother and this limits the impact on my life thankfully. My approach, instinctively, is to try and talk things through with her and get problems out in the open. So if she has a massive narc strop about something then to try and talk sensibly about it. But obviously this doesn't work, and she doesn't want to talk anything through, because this would expose her ridiculous childish strop for what it is.

I am not really keen to go NC, because of my youngest DD wanting a relationship with her (the older ones don't care, because they can see how she really is), and because I feel somewhat responsible as she gets older, that I need to play some part in her life. So NC definitely not on the cards. Just putting up with her ways and keeping a reasonable amount of distance is the only way for me. I call her for a polite chat about once a week and limit visits to short weekends. I try to blank out the shit she spins about me to others, there is nothing I can do about it, so I just try to ignore it, and keep my life as separate as possible.

There are a number of books I can recommend on NPD, but a good place to start is:

www.amazon.co.uk/Toxic-Parents-Susan-Forward-ebook/dp/B003Q6D5PM/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1442609701&sr=1-1&keywords=toxic+parents

Might help give some food for thought?? As well as help validate your feelings and realize that you are not alone.

Yes, this book too is worth a look
Will I Ever Be Good Enough...

Wow, it sadly sounds so familiar.

My mother is/was very nasty towards me. Told lies about me to friends of hers, always dressed up in concern. Also to my brother. She actually told my brother thag a friend of hers who is a magistrate had said that I shoud really have my dd removed from my care for safeguarding reasons as im such a bad parent! This magistrate has never met me or my dd do God knows what lies were told. Ive never neglected, abused or harmed dd at all.

Dd is a teenager and my mother would bad mouth me to her, again dressed up in fake concern.

I tried limiting contact for years. But it just didn't work. And to be honest as dd got older it all got worse as I could see that dd was affected by it all.

Ive been non contact for nearly six months and it's been great.

Are you sure that you'd lose contact with your siblings? Have you rung and spoken to them?

Thank you for all your responses - reassuring that it isn't just my "vivid imagination"!!
My gut instinct is that very limited contact is the way forwards as she really has her claws into my other siblings (especially the three still at home whom she totally controls). Hopefully some of them will eventually see the light and at that point I may be able to safely go NC without losing sibling relationships too. I suspect that my delightful mother is all too aware that my siblings are the only thing that keep me in the loop with her.
DS is very aware of what my mother is capable of - she has shown her true self towards me when he was much younger, possibly believing that he was too young to matter. He loves her, but is not all that bothered about spending time with her.
I do feel a lot more reassured that my friends, that she has contact with, are all very much on the same page as me. I know that they will back my corner and dismiss her bulls**t in my absence.
thank you Majestic and Jammy - I will have a look at the books. I did buy a book called Disarming the Narcissist a couple of years ago, to help DH and I deal with his exW - that was how I worked out what my mother was and DH's father!! What is it with these people? They seem to be everywhere!!!