I don't even know where to start. I am just sick of everyone. I feel like I have noone. I am fighting my hardest every day to beat my depression and not let it win. I am battling so hard, I deserve a gold fooking medal.
Well my problem is my family. I have a strange family. We are all quite tight knit, and I would be the only one with real struggles, I have always felt like they are all normal & well functioning & I'm the loon, the mess. I'm starting to think maybe all that is backwards. When we meet up, we talk about trivial things nothing real. And where I'm struggling is the times I've needed them, and I mean serious need, they just trivialise it and turn their back. It makes me feel insane because I need that, to talk, to say whats happening in my life and my head, whilst they seem to do everything then can to stuff it back down and ignore it in the hopes it will go away. I find its completely controlling, its almost like, you must behave like us, be detached & cool & then we will be nice to you. Otherwise we will ignore you until you stop talking about your problems. Its not like I go around all the time talking about my problems, or struggles, its actually very rare. Plus they know I've suffered debiliatating depression, i just don't get how you can say you care about someone, are there for them, support them, and then ignore them when they tell you they are not coping. They say all that, is it lies, or are they deluded? Or is it me? Am I completly mad?
I know I'm not explaining this very well. I just wonder if I could be right. Its just hard. I don't have anyone else in my life that I can talk to. I am going through / have gone through HELL. I tried to find a therapist & after two sessions of her talking all about herself, gave that up. My doctor is not supportive in the least, so much so I dont want to go back. I am single parent to a beautiful girl, but so much of the time, I am alone, I feel alone, I am struggling, busy all the time trying my hardest, but its empty and isolated and I get into the blackest moods, where all i think about is ending it all. I don't want to feel that way, but day after day I pick myself up and I fight on. Then I get this shit thrown in my face by my family.
If anyone can make sense of what I've just typed, i'd love some friendly advice. Feeling desperate here.