Where to turn?

[daisygrey]

After a terrible 4 years of bereavements illnesses homelessness and DV my brain is tying me in knots I think about suicide at least once a day often seriously.

I can't take ADs. I've got tamazepam from my gp.

I've had CBT to no effect and lately another thing has gone wrong, not my fault and it's all too much.

Outside I look ok there's no one I can talk to and people thihnk I'm alright.

But I'm not and I'm scaring myself.
I could call the Samaritans but I think I need proper support and I don't knw what to say or how to ask for it.

Sorry for typos I'm on my phone.

Well done for seeking help. Did gp offer any alternatives to ads? May I ask why you can't take these? If it's because of previous adverse reactions totally u dear stand but not all have same effects on all people. One hour at a time. Are you somewhere safe now?

I took them before but they made me very sick now I have another physical illness. I'm taking medication for the physical illness so the gp doesn't want to prescribe anything that might interfere with the other medication.

I think that being in constant pain from the physical illness has made me feel worse over the long term. It's a spiral.

I think I'm safe now, thank you for responding. It helps to have someone to type at.

Yesterday I gave myself a big scare I seriously considered taking a lot of paracetamol the thoughts were very vivid but the thought of my DC finding me is what stopped me. Today I went to see my Mum to try to talk but it was difficult I couldn't explain and she told me to snap out of it and forget about how I feel. But that's what I've been trying to do. I find it difficult to describe how I feel.

I'm doing the right things I'm exercising go for walks but if anything I'm getting worse.

Go back to your gp ASAP and show them this thread and ask what services exist locally: there may well be free counselling and even if the last set didn't prove effective it can take a few goes to find the right person. Take each day as it comes and keep your dc in the front of your mind, you're doing well xxxxx

I'll do that tomorrow.
Thanks.

Hi daisygrey - how are you doing? Did you get to your GP today?

I went to the GP, she has made a referral for CBT.
Otherwise that was it.

I really relate to everyone else thinking that you are OK, and in particular to your mother thinking that you should be able to "snap out of it" - really unhelpful and obviously if it was that easy, you'd have chosen that route long ago. I decided a long time ago that it was probably better not to try to expect these people to understand because I ended up feeling more useless than before!

You sound very isolated - do you not have a friend in whom you could confide that things are rough? Is your GP the understanding type? Referrals for CBT are all very well but if your area is anything like mine, the waiting lists can be long and even then, it's an hour a week. I totally appreciate how stretched the NHS is, but when you are feeling desperate you really want some support.

There will also be a Crisis team in your area if you do feel that you've reached the end of your tether.

Keeping posting on here and keep thinking, one day at a time.

The irony of my Mum telling me to 'snap out of it' is that I feel like this because it's been an awful few years. Dv, marriage breakdown, homelessness, bereavement and DC hospitalised are just some of the things that have happened. Mum knows this, some of the things have affected her dirsctly, I wonder if I remind her too much of the htings that have gone wrong.

My brother came to see me yesterday, he never visits but I got the same 'chin up, look how lucky you are' talk from him, I could scream.

I've lost touch with all of my friends over this time, not through any incidents but because my life no longer resembles their comfortable married lives and we don't have much in common any more.

I am isolated, that is part of the probelm. To add to it I don't go out much because it's an effort to leave the house but I'm still going to work. I like being at home.

You have to wait weeks for a gp appoitment at my surgery. You can dee a dr that day but it's never the same one twice, usually a locum.

I hope you haven't felt like I do lobster, I wouldn't wish this in anyone.

To have dealt with everything that you've experienced over the last few years and to still be standing, let alone working and able to articulate it, does show that you have a very strong survival instinct. Maybe this is a self-preservation instinct as well and you subconsciously try to protect yourself from even more heartache and this comes across as "I'm OK, don't try to get close"? - I have no idea; just a thought.

My brother is a bit like yours - he's actually very sensitive and caring but gave me a talk some time back that sounds really similar - he said that I was "not unattractive" (I did smile at that one), was able to get good jobs, had brought up a child alone - it was his idea of being kind and making me feel better about myself, and I'm sure that's what your brother thought would help too - if you don't experience low levels yourself, you can find it very difficult to imagine and, probably, want to steer clear of emotional subjects.

It sounds as if you have become stuck in a routine of work/home life, where you are able to cope - and admirably so - but it might help you to get outside of your comfort zone and talk to like-minded people. I have friends with seemingly comfortable married lives, but they all have their own problems going on too. It's often easy to think that others don't have issues but they generally do; like us, they put on a stoic front, like a swimming duck with its feet paddling furiously underwater.

Above all, I really wish that you had at least someone in RL to talk to - someone who would understand what you're going through. Even emailing someone with empathy can be helpful and make you feel less alone. Keep on with your coping mechanisms and hopefully your GP will come up with some decent CBT for you.