having a bad day

[shouldbedoinghousework]

It's been an awful start to the day with one thing and another (but at least my sink was shiney-see FLY thread!). REALLY shouted at dd when trying to get her to school and genuinely felt like dropping her off and driving away from it all for a few days to try to restore my sanity. The school were v sympathetic (we were v late so I ended up having to explain that I'm struggling at home) but it's all just too much at the moment. I've rung the doctor and have an appt at 10.30. Would be quite happy if they just locked me away for a while

Hang on in there. You've done the right thing by seeing the doctor. (Having struggled with severe depression for a few years, I have huge sympathy for you)

Have you any friends / family / partner who can help you at all?

{{hugs}}

I have a HUGE problem admitting my failings to anyone- esp family. My dh is aware that this morning got WAY out of control and suggested ringing doctor, but dh is a head-in-the-sand character really and so it's taken this serious breakdown for him to even recognise there's a problem. I was told last year that I had depression and had some counselling but it's clearly not sorted anything. I'm just hopeless and am failing the family in every respect.
Can't even see GP this morning as they're fully booked so am seeing some doctor from a woman's clinic....

Firstly, SBDH you are not failing anyone. You've obviously been feeling rough for ages, you've struggled on, not letting anyone know how bad you feel - I call that brave and strong. I know it's not how you feel inside - believe me, I was there too. There is a brilliant book by Dr Tim Cantopher which basically states that serious depression is "the curse of the strong" - it's those people who struggle on without moaning who crack in the end.

Don't worry about your DH, eventually (and it may take some time as did mine) he will come to understand - when you see the doctor ask for a print out on depression that you can give him. Mind you, I had to give 3 copies to my DH before he could bring himself to read it. Until then his view was that I just need to look on the bright side!!! How badly did I want to kill him??

Don't look too far ahead, just take things day by day. Don't do too much either - take it easy with the housework. Depression causes huge fatigue, let alone disrupting the sleep which obviously also causes fatigue. Try and rest little and often, and eat healthily if poss.

What sort of counselling did you have? Was it CBT or something else? After a year of psychodynamic therapy which didn't really help, I was admitted into hospital and had intensive CBT for 4 months and that did eventually help.

The thing about talking to your family, is that you are not admitting to "failings" as you see it. Depression is an illness like flu or pneumonia. It is a chemical inbalance in your brain, and all the 'looking on the bright side' in the world won't help serious depression. There is a good book for relatives/friends of people with depression, I'll see if I can find it for you. I bought it in the vain hope that DH would read it!!

There is a lot of support here on MN, there are also a few oddballs who don't understand depression and can post quite hurtful things about it. Ignore them. They just don't have a clue.

Remember, you are not failing, you are ill. So look after yourself and ask for as much help and support as possible - both in RL and on here.

Good luck at the docs.

You're right PA, I've always been the one supporting everyone else, getting on with it all and putting my feelings loweer and lower down the list. This was something that was pointed out at counselling. I need to reasure myself that I'm a valid person etc etc. This is so hard to do though.
The counselling was just the regular kind offered at my surgery. What is CBT exactly?

Am feeling ill at thought of seeing doctor as know I'll just sit there sobbing (something else I hate- crying in front of people..) and making a fool of myself.

Really don't want drugs- my mother took drugs for depression for most of her adult life and we as a family never saw any difference.

Hi I agree with PA -you're not failing anyone-depression is an illness -it's not your fault.However I can empathise with you as I had pretty bad depression a few years back and I remember thinking I shouldn't been feeling like this and felt ashamed. I bottled up my feelings for so long and looking back I should have asked for help much earlier. It is such a scary place to be.
I hope all goes well with the doctor from the clinic.

If you are reluctant to take drugs St John's Wort is a good alternative -however you shouldn't take it if you're on certain medications (including the Pill I think).
Also just going for a daily walk (without kids)can help.

Hello. The doctor was great, v understanding and gave me loads of time so I just cried and cried- feel much better for telling someone what's going on.
Haven't accepted any drugs yet but she's suggested SSRI ADs- not sure whether to try them or though, does anyone know about them? She's also looking into another course of counselling for me so I'll hear about that next week.

Thanks for all being so kind.

Hi SBDH - I'm so glad the doctor was helpful, they usually are! And don't worry about crying all over them, I think they're used to it!

Regarding the ADs, I've been on several SSRI types - I started on Cipramil then went to Citalopram, and am now on Venlafaxine. I've not had any problems with them (other than the first two types didn't really touch the sides of the depression). But it is very much an individual thing, I've got a friend who has never got on with either of the first two and is on a completely different type now. The only problem I get is if I forget to take my pill one day - the next day I become very dizzy, but it fades again once I've had my next pill.

Most of them take a good few weeks to work 100%, and you can sometimes feel worse for the first couple of weeks. Don't panic - you will feel better again.

I've never had a problem with taking ADs. I consider them like a crutch for a broken leg, not ideal necessarily, but they help me get through life. My psych always said it's a balancing act - the dangers of an unmedicated severe depression versus possible side effects. I've now been on them for 3+ years and to be honest, I can't see me coming off them yet. My depression is nowhere near as severe as it was, and most of the time, I feel absolutely fine. But I'm not quite brave enough to start coming off them! Maybe I'll make that next year's target. On the other hand, if I have to stay on them forever, so what?

You've taken the first giant step and you should be proud of yourself - it's not easy. Also ask your doctor about your local mental health trust. I see a CPN (Community Psychiatric Nurse) regularly who is absolutely lovely. Whilst not a therapist, she holds my hand (metaphorically) and is a great source of information. When you are depressed you need to sort out your support network, and use it!

CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy - it's to do with looking at the thoughts you are having, and how to change those thoughts/patterns to be more helpful. (That's an extremely simplistic description, sorry!) Psychodynamic is more where you are encouraged by the therapist to talk about the past, to spot behaviour patterns, links etc etc and to come up with possible reasons for your illness. I didn't find it particularly helpful because the therapist isn't supposed to talk too much, never mind give you helpful advice! But there are other types of therapy as well which might suit you. On the NHS it is difficult to chop and change too much, but if you don't like your therapist, you should be able to change them. Ask your doctor about the options.

Sorry this is such a long post! I hope it helps, but feel free to ask more if you want. You are not alone!

Hello SBDH, I am totally feeling for you as I am in the same place at the mo, just cant hardly face another day, managed to drop daughter off at nursery but its tough just thinking ahead a few hours. I started on ADs 9 days ago and saw GP this morning to increase dose slightly. Its very scary feelings and definitly had some sort of breakdwown which happened last Tuesday and then husband has now taken onboard how bad I am. Since then I have taken tiny steps with the fantastic support on this site. The main message that keeps coming through from others who have been there is that it WILL get better and I WILL feel better once the ADs have begun to work properly. I understand your fear of the tablets, I panic every monring when I take one and HATE it but I also accept that things have reached crisis point where I was/am scared of my own shadow and need something to help me. Hang in there, tell everyone how bad youre feeling,and take the tablets if its too much of a struggle. I have the psychodynamic counselling for the last couple of years and it has really brought me down, I think it is completely non helpful to me as I need help to stop thinking negative things, whereas it has felt like we are constantly dwelling and going round the same things without changing anything. So ive knocked that on the head and will wait for CBT and pills. Hope you feel better soon x x x x

Hi there SBDH I'm so glad that your doctor was sympathetic.Sorry to hear that Breakfastfairy is also having a tough time. I hope that things start improving and you both manage to get support. Depression is a much misunderstood illness,try to avoid people who tell you to 'cheer up and pull yourself together'-it is an illness. Hope you can pull through these dark days.

Hi - has anyone ever taken Fluoxetene (prozac). Have been on 25mg for a while now, but something really daft happened on a night out at the weekend and now I feel like I'm having some sort of breakdown. Know it sounds stupid, but should I go back to Doctors to increase my dose? I had PND with DS and now have it back with a vengeance with DD (7 months.)

I would go back to GP's and discuss with them -Prozac doesn't suit everyone and can have side effects-perhaps a different anti-depressant would suit you better.

It was really great to hear from such understanding people on Wednesday when I felt really really low. Thank you x

I'm by no means better already but have felt a huge improvement for just admitting I have a problem both on here and at the doctors. It's good to not feel alone with it anymore. I'm still v snappy with the kids and dh but hope that some time out from them over the weekend (they're having a day out on Sat) will give me time to relax and feel refreshed and ready to start being the mummy/dw I want to be.

I'm horribly ashamed that I broke down in front of the teachers at my dd's school and hope thay don't think badly of me, I suppose I'm just going to have to hope for the best there.

I think I'll try to get some st John's wort and give that a go before I try anything from the GP. And also make a real effort to have some time to myself each day- a walk (or something similar- any ideas? Don't always have the chance to get out with no kids in tow) to just keep me calm would be v good.

Thanks again

Hi sbdhw I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better. I wouldn't worry about the teacher..but if you like you could explain that yoou've been having a tough time recently.
Realise that it might be difficlt to go for a walk I would suggest you give yourself a treat every day-nothing major; a long soak in bath with nice bubble bath or lavender oil, a bar of choc,trashy magazine,just make sure you do something nice for yourself. Also I found that if I could manage to put make up on it gave me a bit of a lift.

Thanks domesticslobess- I do feel awful about the school thing and have been avoiding meeting the teachers eye since weds! I'll have to get over it and hold my head high....

I'm going to make a really effort to have some "me" time, it's the tiredness which is really bad though- I'm not good when I'm tired and I'm tired ALL the time at the moment.... I think dh realises just how much I need it and will help out. Feel a bit bad though cos he works v hard and then comes home to me demanding some time out....

sbdh, hi just to tell you that I 'broke down' in tears at nursery school last week and admitted I was finding it hard to cope and was depressed, they have been perfectly fine about it, and if anything I feel better that they know as I have been crying alot in front of dd and I wanted them to know that for some reason. I have taken ADs now on day 12 and I hope/think that I have improved a bit I am functioning better and my thoughts are not as dark, its early days but hang in there, take the ADs if offered and dont give the teacher a thought, they will only be sympathetic I guess theyve seen it all before ! x

Thanks Breakfastfairy.
I've been v upset in front of the children and am ashamed to say that I've told them they've done this to me (which of course thay haven't, but the whole parenting thing is such hard work!). Dd told me this morning that she'll enjoy her day with Grandma tomorrow because "Grandma doesn't cry and shout at me all the time"
It's probably best that the school know what's going on but I'm not someone who'd usually show that I'm not coping so am finding that admission the hardest part.

Have you been offered ADs ? i am on 20mg Cipramil, I was desparate last week feeling I didnt want to live and hopeless, that was my crisis point after weeks of feeling ground down, paranoid, lonely etc, I feel slightly better now, Which Im even scared to admit as it seemed so impossible that I could feel even a glimmer of hope. The ADs must be working, combined with the fact that I have told my husband, best friend and I suppose the nursery. I knew I was not right, Im still not and very upset that Ive even got to this point. Im going to try and get well and then try to make some changes so this doesnt happen again x

another thought, dont try to hard to ;hold your head hight' its not worth putting on a front, just accept youre at a low point, that you will accept help and then you will get better. you dont need to pretend, Im sure the teacher has come across depression many times over the years, just carry on as normal but dont try too hard ! x x

Doctor didn't offer AD's yet, but I go back next week. There was some suggestion that it may be SAD as it was almost exactly a year to the day that I went in tears to teh doc last year.
I'm usually able to pull myself up but have to admit I do keep coming down to the point I was at on Weds. Today I feel generally much better but that doesn't mean I won't have a bad day again soon....
Will wait and see what happens next week at doctors. Am going to get some St Johns wort to try also

Don't feel bad about asking your dh for some 'me time'- you need it to stop yourself from becoming totally overwhelmed and sinking.However I felt the same when I had depression-my dp worked long hours ih stressfull job and I felt guilty asking for time to myself.It's important that you get time to yourself away from the demands of the children and domestic duties.

(new Christmas name)

I think that's the most important thing right now- to feel that I deserve something for me. Not something I usually feel able to ask for but am starting to think it's about time I did!