Need some help please

[MostIneptThatEverStepped]

Not sure whether to post here or in Chat, AIBU, or anywhere else...I feel stupid posting here because I know my troubles are just nothing compared to what so many people are going through. But I don't really know where else to go so...

I was signed off work earlier this year for anxiety and stress (mainly work related). Taking ADs and also HRT, recently increased dose. I was phased back into work but was struggling and decided to apply for another job which I was offered to start later in the year (ie this week). So on the surface couldn't be better, few weeks off and starting lovely new job in great location, feeling lucky and excited.

Btw I'm 48, lone parent of 3 teens/young adults.

First realised something wasn't right when I left the old job and should have been bouncing off the walls with summer delight and freedom. Instead I was exhausted and really grumpy and crabby. Went on a long planned family holiday, a year ago same holiday left me relaxed and blissful, this year tense and anxious.

Now I've just started the new job...OMG. My whole body is ringing with stress. Nothing seems quite right and my mind is extremely anxious and uncertain ( talking voice in my head keeps telling me how useless and rubbish I am, I should walk out and not come back, Best thing would be to walk under a bus so I don't have to go back etc etc
(I don't mean it of course, it's just there in my head). I keep fighting off anxiety and panic attacks. I don't have any choice, I don't think I'd get any sick pay this soon into a new job and can't risk not being able to work.
I'm feeling tense and stressed and really miserable. I'm not sure how to make it through all this and just really wanted someone to tell this to. Thanks you so much if you made it this far.

I did ask MNHQ to delete this but as they haven't yet...I'd really love to hear from anyone else who's coped with this kind of situation.

It's horrible, anxiety, isn't it? To be honest, it sounds like you're still depressed.

I have a similar problem. I spent the whole of my holiday this year on edge and desperately wishing I was back home. I felt that I had to enjoy it as it was my redundancy money, but I just wanted to stay in my room.

Back to you though, work stress can really take its toll. Even though you're in your new job, the feelings from your old one will still be there, and you're under even more pressure as you cant take time off.

A few practical things would be to try and give yourself as much time to yourself as yo can at home? Are your children sensible sorts who will help you out if you tell them you're not feeling well?

You can also get back to the GP and ask to go on the horrendously long counselling waiting list - or ask if they could recommend anyone locally. I had 6 sessions of private counselling and they were hugely helpful. You can also ask for a change of medicine, or perhaps dose. Maybe even a short term supply of anti anxiety stuff.

Longer term, give yourself a break by accepting you're not so good at the moment, but be comforted by the fact it can and will get better.

Thank you, I can't tell you how grateful I am for your reply. You have understood my situation perfectly. At work so will re read and absorb later.

No worries. It's incredibly stressful being ill and having to go to work because you can't take time off. It makes you feel horribly trapped, which is probably where the thoughts about wanting to run away come in. Have you told anyone else about how you're feeling other than your GP?

So far I've only been able to tell one person, he gets it and is supportive but is currently on the other side of the world. Friends and family, I don't want to disappoint them by not being "better" after all that time off work and much heralded new job.
Thanks so much for replying. I've done a lot of crying in the toilets today and am making an emergency dash for restorative makeup. I so don't want everyone to think I'm a total flake in my first week.
You're right I do feel trapped, and that having got what I wanted I still feel awful.

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm 42 and I am fighting something that I can't quite work what is, if it's depression, menopause or someting else.

You mention that you are taking AD and HRT, and that the dose has been increased. So would you say that the medication isn't working? I have started taking St John's Wort, and I'm not too sure it's working either.

Perhaps you need longer to heal, and perhaps you need to do something else to to get tothe root of your issues, rather than treat symptoms with medication?

I have seen my GP myself about my issues and I am not convinced of what the GP could offer, which was AD and HRT. I still went and got St John's Wort on GP's suggestion, though. But I think that lifestyle changes are probably more lasting. I am not saying that you should leave your job or move country, but perhaps look at your daily life and see what could trigger anxiety and how you can alter your response. Yoga has helped me a lot, as has weight lifting (great release for anger and frustration!). Has your GP mentioned cognitive therapy? My MIL had "talking therapy" when she was depressed, and I think it helped more than the AD she took.

I completely understand what you are going through. My GP recommended I look at something called 'Moodgym' on the internet, which is essentially CBT which you do yourself at home. It really helped me. Give it a go and never be afraid to talk about how you are feeling, it's essential.

Thanks both for your lovely answers, it's really reassuring to know that other people understand.
I'm not sure that CBT is for me, having tried it, but will look at Moodgym, thanks for that.
I had some really good counselling at my old job, will quietly investigate whether such a thing is available in the new one.
I know for sure that doing things like dance classes or Pilates would help, they did earlier in the year, but at the moment it's an extra thing to try and make myself do and fit into days that are too short.
The problem with taking HRT and ADs is that it's not clear which one is letting me down--perhaps both. I spoke briefly with my GP this afternoon and am seeing her tomorrow to review my meds. I know ultimately she will want me to say what I want to do but I have no idea. Change AD? Reduce HRT dose? Both? Agh!!!

Saw a lovely GP this morning, she advised temporarily increasing my Prozac to 60mg but not messing with the HRT just now. It's kind of the least bad option really...switching ADs at this point would be no fun at all. But not looking forward to possible increased anxiety.

That's good news with GP, I guess, Most, you are on the ball and not hoping it will just go away. Make sure you see the same GP if you liked her.

I know all aobut not having time, but if you know that a dance class helps, then make it a top priority. Could you do YouTube classes temporarily? I often do that with yoga, it's much better than nothing, and you save time as you are not travelling to a class.

Katie, I signed up for MoodGym, thanks for the recommendation.

Thanks for the kind reply Miss
I do a bit of exercise at home already but had to slack off over the summer as I was away. Must try and get back into that routine.

Still feeling awful, not going to pretend otherwise. Dreading work tomorrow...trying hard not to think about it though.