How do I change me

[Monkeybabies111]

I'm currently under the crisis team but I got diagnosed 2 years ago with eupd.
No one has really explained it to me only that it means I make the choice to do what I do when I'm stressed ie self harm and I do make that choice but I don't really know why or how not to.
From what I've seen online it says that what happened when I was younger is probably a big factor in my having it which makes me feel guilty as I should have told someone what was happening and this wouldn't be happening.
I also read that it means I can't be a good partner or mum as every blog,thread article have complaints from people with relatives with it.
The cmht basically say there isn't any help or therapy as the therapy dbt isn't available for me but they will watch and keep monitoring.

Sorry about this but is there anything anyone knows that I can try as I want to feel normal, I felt ok for 2 years now I feel broken and I'm worried about asking for help as that's another thing I've read that I would be dependant on them so I'm staying away from people as I don't want to mess up everyone else's life around me.
I've ruined my relationship as I can't be a normal person and have cried for the last two months and I feel like a terrible mum.

I have read up on this as I feel I may to some degree have it although I am mid-diagnosis. I always thought I had an attachment disorder but apparently there is more to it.

You can't look back to your childhood through adults eyes. You were a different person then. You dealt with things the best that you could at that time.

I think it means there will be issues in your relationships (as I have in mine) but that doesn't mean you can't have them as long as the people you are with you understand.

I am never going to get better, too much has happened to me and I try and tell myself thats ok I just need to manage it. My experiences have made me who I am and although to other people they may seem terrible (gave up sharing a long time ago). I can't change the past no matter how much I may want to. But its hard isn't it and I just cannot seem to find peace if you know what I mean. A place free from worry and pain and endless regret.

I don't feel like I have helped at all writing this. Its the hardest thing in the world not to push people away and that push - pull part of EUPD is really hard. You aren't alone and you may have a few cracks here and there but you are not broken and you are most certainly not alone.

It does help knowing I'm not alone.
I'm so confused and I feel if I do one thing people think another if I ask for help people will think I'm attention seeking ect I keep over thinking everything while I try to find away to control my own mood and I don't want to look crazy if that makes sense.
I'm trying to explain to my partner, I don't think I've done a good job as he now thinks I just need to get on with everything which I have been I'm living on very little sleep due to 2 dc.
I do feel like I deserve it a lot but then I feel like I don't I seem to be going back in forth in my head alot this last week I need to find a way to cope.

What meds are you on? I know they say there isn't a treatment but have you had counselling for your earlier life experiences. Having said that I have had years of counselling and other than help me to know myself it's not help my behaviours but I know it works for some people. Going back and forth is part of EUPD I think? Going round and round. I think you are saying you don't feel worthy (please forgive me if I got that wrong) that's linked to self esteem which might be something you can work on? I have never had much success explaining my situation to people which is why I gave up. People make me cringe with the stupid things they say!! Do you have people in your life who can help? No one will think you are attention seeking. You don't come across like that at all.

It's not your fault that you feel this way, but the responsibility and ability to change does lie within you and is within your control. It's a shame DBT isn't available on your area but thus absolutely does not mean you can't benefit from it. If you want to change and improve, there are many simple things you can learn and teach yourself via books and online resources.

Marsha Linehan created DBT and only thus year published a new DBT skills manual.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1572307811/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?qid=1440878744&sr=8-2&pi=SY200_QL40&keywords=linehan+dbt&dpPl=1&dpID=517y5ipi78L&ref=plSrch

If you search on amazon you'll find other books too. It may be useful for your partner to read this one:

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1572246901/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?qid=1440878744&sr=8-5&pi=AC_SX110_SY165&keywords=linehan+dbt&dpPl=1&dpID=51RR8S10AYL&ref=plSrch

There are tons of good blogs written by people sharing DBT skills, and also good YouTube videos which discuss how to learn some of the skills.

You can do it. Essentially DBT skills are fairly basic they just take commitment and practice to produce changes. Give yourself time and be gentle with yourself.

I will look into thoses books I have one on the kindle right now but I'm struggling to get threw a few pages at a time right now.
I'm not on medication or receiving therapy, my gp had said he would refer me for some but then everything went a bit off the rails so he's referred me to see a psychiatrist but the cmht that's been coming out saying I'm being monitored for now until an appointment becomes available as there are big waiting lists.
Thankyou for the advice

You should be able to see a psychiatrist fairly quickly. Especially if you're feeling suicidal or risky in some way.

The best thing you can do right now is reach out for help and support from people you know such as friends and family. You mention in your original post that you've been withdrawing from people because you don't want to have a negative effect on them. You won't. People are more resilient than that and will no doubt want to help rather than let you struggle on alone. It could just be spending time with people or connecting via text, Facebook or whatever if that's easier for now. There is an incredibly strong relationship between feeling isolated and being depressed. Don't wait to feel better before you reach out to others. One of the most helpful skills in dbt is about forming and maintaining relationships with others as this is so fundamental to our mental health. We are not designed to be alone and things tend to go wrong when we isolate ourselves. So for now, make contact with at least one person per day and increase the quality and length of this contact day by day. Honestly it will help.

Some days I have been contacting people, I've done at lot more talking in the last few days but I also worry about everything I say, I don't want to annoy or upset people and I worry I do even though when I do get my head cleared realise I was worrying for nothing.

The suicidal thoughts I've been getting are random they then come out for a few days make sure there gone and I don't have a plan and sign me back over the the cpn and they have given me us a family support worker which I'm still undecided about if it helps if not.

Everything the last couple of weeks just keeps spinning and I can't grip onto anything right now, I want to concentrate on the books but I can't even do that and I've now got a house move coming up that should help in someway as it gives me something to aim for but I'm worried about after it as I know I can do things short term but afterwards I will fall apart.
I just feel confused by everything right now, I just hope I can fix me for the kids so they don't get affected by it.