Sick of hiding it

[kitkat1989]

My depression has been back with a bang for a few weeks. I attempted suicide last year and after promised dh that i would never do anything like that again.

Well i feel like doing it again. I cant even explain whats going round my head i cant make any sense of my feelings.

Iv been off work for a week and done something every day to keep myself busy but thats mqking me feel guilty for doing things. But i work as a home carer and am on my own alot of the time so i know being at work isnt a wise idea.

I feel like im babbling on now but i dont even have a clue where this thread is supposed to be going.

I dont feel like i can talk to dh cos he doesnt really get it. And i have a number for the crisis team but they just talk everything through and try and rationalise it and i dont feel like theres particularly anythung to rationalise cos i dont know whats got me so worked up

If you're under 35 Papyrus hopeline are open to talk to until 10pm.

0800 0684141
www.papyrus-uk.org

Or Samaritans. Neither of them will try to make you rationalise things.

Are you on any meds kitkat - how long since your last episode, or does it fluctuate all the time. Mine does, and I never know how I will be from one day to the next, or even through the day as can wake feeling bad but lift as day goes by. Just thinking that if it's been a while since your last bout, you might not be on meds.

I don't think we can make any sense of depression - it just makes us feel shite in a way that defies description really and I imagine it's different for everyone. I try to hide it as much as possible and hate anyone seeing me on a bad day. I think your DH needs to try to "get it" - difficult I know, but there is loads of information on the MIND website and books/articles he could read to help him understand at least a bit more. I don't think anyone can really understand unless they have first hand experience. Its a torment for sure.

I have a lovely CPN and psychiatrist but all they can do is keep swapping drugs (none of them sustain me mentally) and am now considering ECT as a last resort. I know the crisis team can't do much either when you're in a bad state. I've cried down the phone at my CPN so many times, and she's lovely but there's nothing she can do, so it's hard for them too really.