I feel really lonely and empty and can't see a point to my existence

[ImhotepIsInvisible]

Hi,

I'm having a terrible Sunday morning and am struggling to lift my head off the pillow without bursting into tears.

I don't have anyone to talk to. I am seeing a counsellor once a week but there is a few days before my next appointment. I feel so awful today that I just wish I wasn't here.

I don't know what to say. I'm 31, and just feel like I am a failure and utterly pointless and my life has no meaning or aim. I have a so-so job. I don't have children. I have never had a real relationship, I only had one with a much older abusive man, and now it feels like that was the best that I could do. I don't feel like I have ever had a proper boyfriend, which at my age makes me feel like a freak. I feel really ugly and boring. I don't have many friends and the ones I have are busy living life - I don't resent them for that, I am pleased for them. But I have tried to be proactive and make a life for myself and it just fails, because no one seems to want to be close to me, romantically or otherwise, and it's really hard to enjoy myself and feel like there is a point when I am basically on my own the whole time. I have a hobby, which is physical and which I really love doing, it's the only thing that gets me out of bed sometimes. I meet some people there and they are all nice but it never progresses into anything more. I don't mind, no one is obliged to be my friend, and I do this activity because I love it, not for the social side (though I would be open to that). I only mention this because whenever I try to talk to someone about my loneliness they suggest that I get a hobby. It doesn't really work, apart from being a distraction when I am there.

I feel really behind everyone else I know - I am well aware they don't all have perfect lives but at least they are having experiences.

I've tried to do things differently, I've tried to get more social contact, and I fail to make any meaningful connections every time, and every time it kills my self esteem even more. People say I am kind and generous and fun and reasonably attractive, sometimes they ask the (unintentionally?) offensive "why can't you find a boyfriend?" question...I can't answer that, I struggle to even make friends which is even more embarrassing.

I have felt like this most of my life. When I was a teenager I could console myself with the idea that it's temporary and might get better when I'm older. But that was half a life ago and it's feeling increasingly permanent, and this is what my life is about I don't know how I can carry on, it feels so horrible and I physically feel like I am being strangled by my own loneliness.

I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm not sure why I am posting. I posted in the relationships section a long while ago and got great help. But now I realise my real problem is me. I don't know what I am doing wrong , I am easy going, low maintenance and just want some company, but I must be unattractive and off putting to people. I don't feel like I am good enough for anyone and this constant rejection is killing me

op

Please don't feel down. I didn't want to read and run so typing quickly to say please look up Brene Brown's 'Dare Greatly' and Pema Chodron (she has lots of books, she's a Buddhist nun). Both will lift your spirits, I promise.

In the meantime, others will be along I'm sure with more helpful things to do / think about in the meantime.

PS. Feelings of rejection are awful. They often come from a place inside though, where you've been rejected as a child (perhaps) and as the icing on the cake, you've learnt to reject yourself. I know how it feels, op.

The place to start is compassion and love for yourself. So hard. But so liberating. Think of recovering from this rejection as the start of a new adventure.

Giving this a bump so that others might be able to help you.

Thank you ReallyNotAMorningPerson.

I managed to drag myself out of bed and do some hoovering, then went to a class which was really fun, so I feel a bit better now. I have stopped being tearful for now, at least.

I try to keep busy and keep doing stuff that I enjoy but quite often it feels like nothing but a distraction and it doesn't help me escape from feeling alone. I try to have a good time without company, but wonder if this is the best or most content I can ever feel, and if it is then things are very bleak...I'm quite independent and happy with my own company from time to time, I don't believe I come across as excessively needy or anything (maybe I do here but I think I hide it well in the real world!), but all the time it is very sad and very boring.

Thank you for the recommendations. I did some googling and found a TED talk from Brene Brown on the same topic, it helped a lot. I will check out the book.

I don't really have any advice just wanted to say I feel totally pointless sometimes and wish I didn't exist. You are not alone lots of people feel this way (I have discovered on here). And there are lots of people who come up with really helpful stuff. I try to be really open to suggestions. So, as I say I have nothing really to offer you other than a listening ear and please know you are not alone.

That's great op - and slippers you're right, op is not alone, there are so many who feel this way.

I often think it's a sad by-product of modern life. Humans were designed to live in villages/close knit communities where people weren't so alone. It's sad how boxed off from others modern life makes us all.

I myself definitely have 'why do I exist sometimes' days, which is why I always feel a pang of empathy when I read these posts

Yes op, Brene Brown did a famous TED talk. She talks about allowing yourself to admit to feeling vulnerable, and talks about the shame people feel (in your instance, shame you feel due to low self esteem). She really is great.

I often think it's a sad by-product of modern life. Humans were designed to live in villages/close knit communities where people weren't so alone.

So true. I hate the way I'm made to feel like a freak (including by MH professionals) for wanting to live in this kind of close knit community. Apparently I expect too much of others and give too much of myself - it would work if we all did it!

A lot of people are 'faking it' though as I found out recently when expressing similar to the OP, to an apparently very sociable and popular friend. She tells me most of them are fairweather friends for fun, only a few would be there in the hard times.

I love your name OP . Blants. Write that down in your copybook now.

It's true elements - who knows who is faking it and for whom daily life isn't also a bit of a struggle?

I think this is why I'm a bit allergic to FB. I just can't believe all that joyous self-promotion is genuine. but then I'm a bitter old hag

Thanks all of you, it is comforting.

Hehe elementsofsurprise, "water, water, what hast thou dunst?" is probably my favourite line ever.

I don't mind Facebook I don't have many friends on it and none are too nauseating, so it doesn't contribute to my feelings of inadequacy like it did in my student days. I use it a lot for my hobby and to find stuff that I might be interested in, so I've managed to find the good part of the vanity machine. But I've been disengaging from the original use of it.

I know what you are saying. I live in London and even though there are people everywhere it feels like there is an impenetrable forcefield which everyone else has the code for, and I'm not allowed in. The worst part is I don't know what I have done wrong.

But I just feel like even though other people are not having perfect lives, I feel like at least they are having a life, if you see what I mean? I feel like my life is nothingness, and no one is interested in me. I so pathetic sometimes that I don't think anyone would notice if I vanished. I went most of the weekend without speaking to anyone and I felt so rubbish. I'm only 31, but I've felt like this since I was a child, the thought of another 50 or 60 years of this is horrible.

I tried meeteup groups and events and volunteering and classes and political activity and all sorts to try and get out and meet people, but I always find these things are always either cancelled or badly organised, or already really cliquey. I try to be open and friendly and not pushy at all, and I am really committed and reliable, but it never gets me anywhere and then it erodes my self esteem even more. So I end up even more shy and unattractive.

I even got so desperate for some contact that I tried internet dating. It was pretty rubbish but one guy did make me laugh. I did the ultimate thing out of my comfort zone and asked him out I have never, ever done that before. And we met up a couple of times recently, I was petrified but he was really sweet and made sure I was comfortable and I ended up having a really good time. But even that I feel like I am just waiting for him to lose interest, which feels almost inevitable. I try so hard to be optimistic but every time it fails, which is every time, it really hurts. I did have a terrible time in my 20s when I tried to raise my confidence with casual relationships, but I have learned from that and have much better boundaries these days. It's the same with friends to a lesser extent, and can hurt as much. I don't let people walk over me anymore but I don't think I am overly cynical...but I feel like now I don't even have people pretending to like me for their own gains and perhaps that's even worse, which is not the healthiest way to think. I am stuck in a horrible paranoia/anxiety/depression, I don't know

It's helpful getting it off my chest

Is living in London a choice?
Have you always lived there?
I know it is a place with endless possibilities for activities etc but it is so big and everyone is so busy. Have you ever tried a smaller place or thought of moving?

Good question Mehitabel6. I was born here. I have lived elsewhere though, I went to uni in the north and also lived in two other countries, and I really found it even more isolating than London. I'd be open to relocating but I just think it would make me even more isolated. I don't have a big family but what I do have is here in London, as is my job which is steady. Plus my hobby which is the only thing keeping me going sometimes, it would be difficult to find a similar thing elsewhere in the UK (I've looked). I've thought about somewhere else in the South East and maybe commuting but that would be just as difficult financially (another joy of being a loner, it's expensive!) and probably wouldn't change things; at least I'd be too exhausted from commuting to realise how isolated I would be! So I've considered it but I feel like my only roots are here. If I were some social butterfly who found it easy to make bonds with people I'd think moving away was an option, but I've tried it and at some points I just wished I was dead.

I'm glad I gave it a go, it was out of my comfort zone and taught me independence and to be self sufficient, but I think it's not a solution for me. It was the same problems with different accents/languages as the soundtrack.

In that case you are right to stay put- and work from what you know.

What volunteering have you tried?

(I am about to log off so am not ignoring any responses- I will get back to you)

I first did volunteering with primary aged kids at an after school club type thing when I was doing my A Levels - I was so scared when I first went to sign up that I turned away and went home. But I tried again and ended up getting a placement and doing it for a year.

Since then I've tried to sign up for various things over the years but they never take off, which is a bit frustrating (for organisers more than me, I imagine). I love baking and I tried to volunteer for a cake donation thing (that I heard about in Mumsnet, actually), I tried to get in touch several times but never had a response and I don't think they exist anymore. I tried to sign up for a mentoring scheme at a charity but they never got back to me, then they went bust... (not the one that's in the news at the moment). It's like I have a kiss of death! tried to join a volunteer network through my local council but they are not great at getting back about actual opportunities, so I don't know if they actually need volunteers.

I volunteered at a theatre group which was different, but that was a really temporary thing for a one off show. I'm always on the lookout for things like that.

If you have any suggestions I'd be glad to hear them.

Sympathy, being single can feel quite isolating.

I volunteer at Crisis at Christmas every year - it's really rewarding and you don't have to volunteer on Christmas Day or Boxing Day if you don't want to.

I also visit an old lady once a fortnight. Her life is very restricted for health reasons and it does make me realise how lucky I am.

Do you like gardening etc? I think there are some nice opportunities there, plus manual labour and getting out in the fresh air often improve one's mood.

I think you have been unlucky with your volunteering. Are you interested in wildlife trust? My son volunteered with them in our area when he was unemployed.
If you google London and volunteering it comes up with 'team London' where you put in your area etc and see what comes up. It seems to be a Boris initiative.
The National Trust is a good one to try.
Have you thought of a walking group? Good chance to chat and get to know people. Avoid volunteering on a one to one- you need a group.

How are you feeling today, OP?

"water, water, what hast thou dunst?" is probably my favourite line ever.

I think mine is "The scientist begins his incantation"...

I keep meaning to post but don't seem to have anything helpful to say. I can relate a lot to what you're saying. For me personally I have found it strange that when I've spent time abroad (backpacking style long trip, not work) other people seem to want to spend time with me, think I'm good company etc. I think it's something to do with it being very superficial, in a way, whilst simultaneously being more open/having 'deeper' topics of conversation (if with fellow tourists, due to thinking so much due to the culture change!). So a very "live for the moment" style of friendship. Whereas to make friends in the long run, either at home or properly living in another country, it seemes to require a much slower approach. This is where I start to get hazy, I'm figuring this out as I go...

Friend I mentioned above, said that because she projects confidence and a bubbly persona she attracts fairweather friends who are nice to spend time with, go out with, have fun. However the friends she can rely on are few and far between and sort of mentally in a different 'catergory'. (Incidentally said friend is not a close friend of mine, exactly - her experiences mean she is approachable and thoughtful and we randomly spent a bit of time together when we both had a lot going on... then she moved abroad!) For now I am just trying to be me and pootle around doing my thing and enjoying whatever company simply for the company.

And relationships... eughhh I try not to think about it! That said, I know of several strong or unexpected relationships where people haven't had previous partners. My last relationship appeared out of nowhere... I think you (we!) need to remember to be true to ourselves, enjoy your relationship/friendship with this person, and think well if they decide they don't want to, that's their loss. This is a constant reminding process! (and clearly I am oh so wise and this is really oh so simple )

I would also like to say thanks for reminding me to do my revision! Now, can you tell me:

1. Where did germs originate?
2. What is the boiling point of water?
3. Describe the process of mafipulation?
4. What is the name for the box at the end of a piano that contains the 19 forbidden notes? And why must it be kept locked?
5. Which town was Schubert built in?

Hello,

It's the OP here. Freaked out a bit after the hacks...

But I wanted to come back to say thanks to all of you who replied.

I definitely like the ideas of the Wildlife Trust ( I'm a complete townie and not outdoorsy at all so if nothing else it would be great to try something new, and there are some really close to me) and walking groups. It's that kind of thing that I'd love some company for.

I will also check out some Christmas volunteering, I adore Christmas so can definitely get on board with that.

I had a really difficult session with my counsellor today, talking about how isolated I feel. I could tell she was stumped and getting a bit frustrated but in seriousness, I was trying to explain how I just feel like people don't like me enough so I don't get a chance to get closer to them. She kept trying to tie it to my childhood and say I am used to rejection and therefore don't open myself up to people but that's simply not true. I do make moves, Ii make an effort, I'm friendly and generous and reliable but it never goes anywhere, and every time I get rejected iyit really hurts. And everyone else I know seems to manage to make close friends and have partners without having to expose their vulnerable side first, so I don't buy that argument anyway.

Been a bit tearful tonight. Might make a list of all the times I've been rejected so maybe my counsellor can tell me where I am going wrong.