Should I seek help?

[yazz21]

Right, here goes.
We've got a lot going on at the moment. I think I've been extremely stressed/at the end of my tether for a good month and a half/two months but haven't wanted to admit it.

About a month ago I had a brain overload thing because I was so stressed. You know when like the floodgates to your brain open and you can't control anything. I thought it was over then once I calmed myself down.

However I'm becoming incresingly anxious, (which when I naturally analyse everything is pretty detrimental) to the point I feel really sick a lot of the time. I seem to be cleaning/getting crazy about the kids routine to the point where I've become a control freak. If my dp leaves the house and hasn't returned in the time I think it will take to do a particular thing I'm panicking about him, thinking he's had an accident or gone off the rails (I don't let him know I am). And I've near enough become a hermit. I dread even opening the door incase a neighbour sees me and chats. When I go and hang washing out in the garden I have to hood up, I feel panicky and exposed incase someone tries to chat to me. This isn't me! I used to be so sociable and always wanting to go out. Now I feel like I want to just curl up in bed and never get up or see anyone. Maybe just have some books to get me by.

I have two children. Oldest just turnes 2 the youngest is 5 months. I used to be the calm one with them always saying "I know it goes through you but she's just a baby" and now it sounds horrible but I dread them waking up. I cooked a roast the other day. And dd2 always times the bottle for when I'm starting/checking and serving dinner. I just collapsed in tears. I can't shout and yell and take it out on people like other people can. I just hold it in. It seems illogical to do that for me. I have no release.

Through all that we're going through at the moment dp, keeps telling me I'm the rock, I'd never get through without you. But I can't be the rock anymore. I can't cope. But as soon as I say that, or actually act how I'm feeling. The family's falling apart. I can see it in front of my eyes. Dps problems are getting worse, he's losing control. Why can't someonelse (him) hold the fort for once. Why if I don't do it does everything fall apart. I want to, I want to bung on a fake smile and say, "only joking guys I' m fine" but I can't do that anymore. I just don't have the strength I have nothing left.

I don't even feel down anymore I just feel neutral. Nothing like a robot. But then I actually don't even know how I feel. I think I've been pretending too long. Keeping it bottled up so it doesn't affect the family :(

I don't sleep well. Don't really eat. Lost quite a bit of weight. I look terrible. But not on purpose. I just have no appetite, no urge to eat. And I have had a cold for a while which is draining me. I do feel like I'm going insane. And stuck in my head.

Thanks to anyone that has read through this all. I don't know what to do anymore, I don't know how to cope/get better. I feel like if I go to the gp I'll be taking time away from some one who actually needs it.
Any advice appreciated. Thank you

Like a manic control freak. In an irritable way. Which is definately affecting our relationship. But if I say anthing to dp about how I really feel, he says its making him feel worse and I'm bringing him down. Which is probably true because he has so much going on. And I feel like he's bring ing me down too, maybe in a viscious circle. But now I don't know where to turn :(

Yes, go see your GP. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot and I'm sorry your DH isn't very supportive. As well as seeing your GP, do you have any friends or relatives you might be able to speak to? Someone to offload to and maybe give you a bit of a break?

Yeah. Its not that he's not supportive, he really is going through a lot. He's basicaly gone cold turkey. Amphetamine addiction or 18 years. He's doing so well. Its just obviously up and downs. So I just try to see it objectively and I know its not his fault and he is going through a huge life changing thing. And I'm trying to support him as best I can. He is on antidepressants.

I have friends but, as I say I'm always everyonelses rock. They say I'm so strong and how do I cope. Well its usually because I have no choice. I've never had anyone to fix me, or pick me up off the floor. I have to do it myself.

Family, only brothers and sisters and mum. Brothers and sister all yoinger than me. 18 closest one. So they wouldn't really understand. My mum, so many unresoved issues there. We just, get on really well surface level, and see other entusiascticaly, when we're in the area couple of times a month. 40nmin drive away. But nothing deeper. Its not possible. Thanks for reading.

Sorry OP, if you've got so many others leaning on you, with no one to support you, it does sound really, really tough for you!! Yes sounds like anxiety and maybe depression.

Apparently anxiety (read in book by a psychiatrist) can sometimes be suppressed anger...this can especially happen to nice people, who find it hard, or don't feel they can be honest/express their anger towards others..so they become really anxious instead.

If you go to your GP they can often refer you to a counsellor...I did this, I'd wanted CBT but there was a waiting list, but I saw a regular counsellor as there was no waiting list. She was really nice and helped me with some ways of coping, suggested some helpful books too.

Thank you yeah, that's interesting actually. There's a lot of times I feel angry. But I just don't express it. Keep it bottled. Like there's nothing logical to release it. I could could go crazy and smash stuff. But what would that achieve? I could shout at people, but that wouldn't achieve anything.

You're being very tough on yourself yazz 2 under 2 and one a young baby - that's enough to stress most people without anything else. You've obviously been propping up DH as well and yes it's very laudable that he's giving up on drugs after 18 years. Is cold turkey the way to go though? Don't know much about amphetamine withdrawal. BUT as you've come to recognise you are in need of support yourself. It's often said that a woman is the "glue that holds the family together" but that glue can melt and ..........which is what's happening of course.

I think you definitely need to see the GP. It sounds like you are suffering from anxiety or even OCD maybe, and a possible eating disorder? I'm no medic and don't like "diagnosing" but it just strikes me that you have a range of problems that are mental health related. Something has to give. Could you possibly be suffering from PND? Please make an appointment with a good empathetic GP from your surgery. Make a list of your symptoms, and it doesn't matter if you burst into tears in the surgery (that's what most of us do...) and just had over the list or use it to remind yourself of all that's going wrong, as it's so easy to forget when anxiety takes over. You might be interested to know that one third of all GP consultations are mental health related, so you won't be telling the GP anything they haven't heard many times before.

Don't delay any longer, as you definitely need so some support. Do you have a sympathetic HV in whom you can confide.

Sorry just re-read your OP and you say "DP's problems are getting worse - he's losing control" - assume you mean the "cold turkey" withdrawal from amphetamines.....maybe he needs to withdraw more gradually. Perhaps you could book a double appointment and see the GP together so that your difficulties can be aired and you get the help and support you need as well as DH.

Thanks for the support NanaNina.
Its weird, I'm so good at recognising when other people need help/support, but I always seem to downplay my own.

We haven't been together 18 years. Its been nearly 3months now since he quit. So the tiredness, sweating, initial cravings are over. Its the daily struggles, depression (he is on anto depressants), can have mood swings, struggles with motivation, tries to get away from all that with alcohol I think. I think I'm actually seeing a link though he has a tendency to drink when we're not doing well as a couple. Because on the days we're fine he doesn't really.

That makes me feel guilty realising that actually. I think your right. I think we're in a viscious circle at the moment where our personal struggles are spilling over into our relationship and putting that under strain, and then because our relationships under strain our personal problems are getting worse. We need to get out of this cycle, and get on top of our personal stuff so we can get our relationship back on track. Because we need to get back to the great relationship we our capable of. Its just like daily struggles keep getting in the way. We both I think have trouble admitting we can't manage things ourselves. I think we need to have a discussion about both of us seeking help.

Oh and dp actually mentioned pnd, but I just waved it off. I need to stop doing that.

Thanks aswell for the GP advice about writing a list. I think that will help, because otherwise I know I'll go, and just get nervous and forget everything and then try and downplay anything I come up with!

Hi, sorry you're having such a rough time. Just to second what NanaNina said really. Your kids are very young and it's a lot to take on, even without any extra worries. Only thing to add is...I can't remember ever cooking a roast when I had a tiny little one. (Still don't bother often these days and my kids are much older!) Don't put yourself under any extra pressure that you don't need to. Just do super-easy meals, don't try to be a domestic goddess on top of everything else. Hugs