Should I seek help or do this myself?

[Buntingsquiggles]

Feel bad posting when there are so many with worse struggles on here, but really am feeling desperate. Sorry this may be a bit of a ramble.
I suffer from the most crippling anxiety problem which has traces of ocd I think (disturbing thoughts/images and compulsive nail & finger biting) I have had this issue ever since my early teens. I am always catastrophising, always imagining the worst outcomes (dh late? Must be car crash, etc) I have had ads & cbt in the past (ten years ago). A private therapist ripped me off (he was later de-registered) and made me a bit cynical. I gave up the ads when ttc dd1 and never went back on them. My pgs were very anxiety ridden (having had two mmcs) and while I was pg, a psychologist put all my anxieties down to the mcs, but I've always had the neurotic thoughts, always. They make me so weary and fed up. Once one thing is resolved, I just change to being worried about something else - a floating neurosis?
At my pn check up the mw made me change a couple of responses on her questionnaire. Realised that's because she'd have had to do something about my anxieties. Perhaps though she also knew I was coping generally with the baby, which I was.
Now my anxieties are mainly focused on my kids and the fear of losing them. I realise my checking up on them and worries about not seeing them in the garden for 2 minutes are over the top and that I won't be doing them any favours if I don't give them enough freedom. I think I'm hypervigilant and sometimes check them 3-4 times in their beds. I am having an op to remove my gb next week so you can imagine what my mind is doing to me right now, imagining all the worst outcomes for that! Arghhh! I'm not sure I want ads again, they didn't help that much. Would it be worth going to gp? This really is a life long chronic condition - could it really be made better? Could I really learn not to think / feel this way? Both my parents have had quite severe mh issues in the past in their 30s, though they're stable now. I feel cursed by some genetic pattern! I don't want my kids to ever go through this! Thank you for reading.

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Hopefully someone wiser than me will come along with some good advice but I just wanted to say I totally understand how you feel - I suffer from awful anxiety which cause constant obsessive preoccupation with my health an it's bloody awful. I've had CBT and I have to say it did help but was in no way a cure. I have to constantly keep my anxious thoughts in check and make a conscious effort to slow down my thinking process. It sounds from your post that that you actually have a very good insight into your anxiety which makes me think perhaps of you found the right therapy for you it would help. I think I've come to accept over the years that I will always 'have' this awful anxiety I just have to learn to cope with it In The best way I can (which at times is certainly not easy). I wish so much I wasn't like this - I often think how much precious time I've wasted in the fog of anxiety. I hope someone comes along with some good advice - all the best to you op.

Hi Rooby, thank you for taking the time to reply to me. Yes it is awful, I really sympathise with you. I'm sorry that you suffer from anxiety issues. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy! I know what you mean about the 'fog of anxiety'. It's so paralysing and consuming at times and so very tiring. I'm very good at hiding it from others, especially at work. When I've confided in friends in the past, they simply couldn't understand. They tried to be kind and helpful, but saying, 'don't worry, it'll be fine!" just doesn't cut it sadly. I feel awful saying that - what else could I expect them to say?! They're normal and don't think catastrophically! I'm so sick of that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, that dread that something awful is going to happen, never feeling relaxed. So many times I've been convinced of the worst and I've had the horrible adrenaline rush symptoms - running to loo, sweating, etc. I'm starting to realise too that this is my lot and I just need to deal with it. I know it isn't normal to think these thoughts and then try to constantly adjust my life around my anxieties, hoping that I can somehow control the uncontrollable. I can't. Life is unpredictable and that it is this uncertainty that I find hard to cope with. This whole maladjusted outlook has led me to fear planes, give up a promoted post because of having to speak to a large audience, never drive on motorways, the list goes on! I sometimes wish I could just switch off my mind.