Doing a great job of pretending everything is normal, but I'm fucking everything up

[ClusterFuckUp]

NC
I am on fluoxetine for depression and anxiety.
I am married to a wonderful man who I love massively. We have a toddler who is also wonderful. I have a very high pressure job with lots of travel.
I'm struggling so badly and can't talk about how I feel with anyone. I seem to be on a path of self destruction. I'm not talking to my friends. I'm fantasising about cutting myself and burning myself. I've started smoking. I've cheated on my husband (oral sex) which, if not bad enough, was with a colleague and, given my position at work, would mean getting fired if found out. I can't tell anyone how desperately I want to harm myself. I mentioned it to the doctor last time about the self harm fantasies but she just said to come in if I have another crises for more diazepam. I don't want to be signed off work. I just want to feel normal but don't know how to switch off this button in my head that wants me to destroy myself. I love my husband and child and job so much, so why am I doing this?

Really sorry to hear your doctor didn't help when you said you are wanting to self harm, that just does not seem okay of them IMO!
Saying that, I myself have had a few health and emotional issues and have not always had much luck when approaching my doctor, had to find help for me, myself.

You do sound very depressed and stressed out, could you pay to see a therapist?? Do you have any CBT therapists near you? I'm sure they would help you find some ways to cope better with life, so you don't turn to the self-harm, smoking etc

I developed an eating disorder and have tried to self-harm when extremely upset in recent years. CBT was the most helpful thing I found.

Gourmet thank you so much for responding and for not judging. My own behaviour at the moment disgusts me, but I am hiding my feelings so well that I've feared therapy as in worried about opening the floodgates. It's so scary to be sat there smiling at my husband and child whilst fantasising about sticking a lit cigarette into my arm. And whilst I've suffered depression before, I've never had the self harm fantasies and don't know if it's the fluoxetine or if I'm just a really damaged person.
I just seem to be on a total path to self destruct and it's all going to blow up in my face
What's the difference between CBT and regular counselling?

Hi Cluster, sorry to not reply sooner.

I'm not an expert, but I think your are probably having the self harm fantasies because you are bottling up your feelings.

If we are distressed, it will come out somehow, you're trying very hard to cover up you stressful feelings and appear 'normal'.

The fantasies, smoking etc might be your outlet to 'let off steam'.

You know that saying a 'problem shared is a problem halfed'? It can be such a relief to just tell someone your thoughts and problems, especially someone who is trained to listen, try not to worry about 'opening the floodgates'...you usually get relief, not things getting worse. Like when you have a good cry and feel better afterwards.

Regular counselling is usually a therapist listening to you, whereas CBT is finding out what thoughts are causing you to be upset and tackling them, seeing any distortions in your thoughts (there are usually quite a few!) and replacing negative thoughts with more 'realistic' ones, so you feel better. It's not about pretending everything is okay, just being more realistic, which is usually enough for people to feel a lot better.
It's really easy and very effective!

I use this book (always going on about it on here!), which you could look at:-
www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1439241956&sr=8-1&keywords=feeling+good+the+new+mood+therapy

But it might be worth you finding a CBT therapist as well, as it's not always easy when you're really low to work through a book on your own.

Thank you Gourmet. I've been back to the doctor, they don't want to change my meds whilst in a low for fear of exacerbating things. So I have some details of CBT therapists in the area to look into
I'm coming out of the major low but still self medicating to stop thinking about these terrible things I've done. I'm clearly an evil person

I know the thought of therapy may seem scary but these things have got to come out if not they end up poisoning you now. I am surprised your Dr didn't change your medication although from the sounds of him/her they sound pretty clueless in MH. Could you see another Dr?
I self harm and self medicate on top of my prescribed meds. I have heard so much positive stuff about CBT esp with negative thought patterns. If your Dr says the waiting list is quite long are you in a position to go privately maybe?