DH depressed - could use some insight and advice

[Paddlechick666]

hi

sorry but i think this will be long TIA if you get to the end!

my dh was diagnosed with depression last autumn after he went awol for 6 weeks towards the end of my pregnancy.

work probs, issues with his ex and access to his other kids seemed to be the cause.

he returned in time for the birth of our dd, saw a dr who advised ads but refused to accept them. he stayed 3.5 weeks and went awol again until Xmas.

he started taking the ads and moved in with his parents. after several more panic attacks he was referred to a physchiatrist and CBT therapist. finally by march i managed to get him a private appointment and he started therapy.

it was sporadic as he quite often didn't go to sessions as he didn't feel up to it etc. he started work again and became obsessed with that.

finally around may/june he began to improve. he would visit regularly, pick up the phone, be more reliable etc. he was discharged from CBT and reduced to a monthly phychiatric appt.

he returned home end July and promised on his life he would never ever do it again.

we moved house, he got a new job, i returned to work and things began to get back on track.

in the 2 weeks up to dd's 1st birthday his ex became abusive and withdrew access to the kids. his eldest also became abusive on text and basically they both told him he was worthless, useless, good for nothing. all because they wanted more money. he promised the money in the new year when the new job was established.

4 days before dd's birthday he left again. went awol for a week then showed up with at his parents' again. since then i have seen him once when i was really sick and he came to look after dd for me.

he won't speak on the phone, he will text sporadically. he says he just wants to be on his own and that is the only time he has any peace. he has started the job but isn't enjoying it but is still having interviews for other jobs.

he says he loves me and wants to see dd but isn't actually making any plans to do so.

he agreed to go to the cinema with me last night but i haven't hear from him since Tuesday evening. he says he will ring the phychiatrist to get an appointment but whenever i ask if he has then he goes silent. he hasn't had any therapy since July.

i love him and this is breaking my heart. he seems able to function on some levels but not on others. i cannot figure out how much of this is depression or selfishness.

i'd love to be on my own sometimes fgs!

he says he doesn't deserve to be around me etc.

i am really tired now. trying to work and look after dd on my own. feeling so lonely and desperately sad that our wonderful future is just slipping away.

i am getting good support from family and friends but people are losing patience with him adn think i should "do" something.

i am desperate to try and regain some control and keep thinking that i must end our marriage and accept my future as a single parent.

i am losing respect for myself for allowing him to treat me this way.

being a single parent with the hope that your parnter will return is a whole different prospect to actually becoming a single parent.

i find it so hard to believe he loves us but can't bear to be around us. in the past he has always said he would be home one day, this time he won't even commit to that vague ideal.

i am at a loss as to what i should do next. i haven't suffered from depression and i am trying so hard to love him unconditionally it's difficult not to get angry and upset with his behaviour too.

i am soo tempted to text him now and flame him about the last 24 hours. i mean, all i wanted to do was go to the cinema!!!

i would be so grateful if anyone could give me some advice on how to handle this or whether i should just give it up and walk away. is there any hope he will get better? how can i get him to see his physchiatrist and propose a change of meds etc.

Thanks for getting this far, I really appreciate anything anyone can say to give me some insight.

It's taken a lot for me to put this onto MN but I have read so many other posts and the advice and support have been so good.

Thanks again.
ps: i should add that he adores dd, i cannot believe he has left her like this. he regularly asks for pictures etc and i always send them.
again other people say i shouldn't as if i witheld pics etc then it might prompt him to visit etc.

Gosh, this is complex isn't it? I have some responses to parts of your posts in my head, but they could be completely wrong so I'm tempted to ask if you could see the therapists with him and/or instead of him when he doesn't go. You need help and advice, too and from professionals ideally.

My gut instinct is to stick with him although it affects you hugely with him being the way he is. I don't think it's selfishness on his part fwiw. Oops, saying my thoughts now. Will stop! I hope you get more advice on here.

i agree. could you ask him to give his consent to you speaking with his therapist etc / agree to go together to an appointment with him? if not you need to speak to someone independent to help support you through this.... relate? samaritans? ask gp for counselling referral. hope someone with some experience comes along soon

Hi Paddlechick666,

The only thing I can say is you need to sort out in your own head what you want for you and your dd.

Depression is a difficult thing to deal with whether you are the sufferer or a relative, yes we can offer support, yes we love the people we love and yes we want them to feel that there is someone there for them.

But at the same time, nothing will ever change until he makes the decision to take control of his life. Hope this helps.

Loving the name by the way

thanks both, i did ask if i could see the therapist with him before but he refused. he may agree this time tho. i will ask again but at the moment there is no dialogue. i texted him several times yesterday with no response.

today i'm feeling pretty ticked off and am childishly refusing to text him LOL. that won't last tho!

we were supposed to star relate counselling the week he left! i am considering going on my own but childcare is an issue of course. my gp has referred me for counselling too.

thanks again for your responses.

hi norash

you're right, i do need to decide on something. i'm finding that really hard to do tho.

i just cannot made a decision and can change my mind a hundred times a day!

sometimes it's just easier to do nothing but then that becomes very frustrating too.

i am still in denial that i can no longer rely on him or expect his support i think.

oh paddle, what a star you are coping on your own with dd and with all this. You deserve a medal!

I don't know if I have any insights for you but what stood out to me from your post is that you are at present, washed up or down by his tide at the moment which I am sure is why you feel so out of control. I do think it might help you if you make a decision even if it doesn't CHANGE anything iykwim? One option would be to decide not to allow him to come home until YOU feel he is stable enough. Another option might be to decide that you allow him to 'come and go' and accept that is how it is; I'm not telling you to do either, obviously! I just think it's about YOU taking control of the situation you're in....

Sorry not to be more help; a family member had depression over many years but he never left the family home so this is outside my experience. I have also worked with people with mental health issues and in my experience, people choose to live where they cope best...perhaps he chooses his parents because he wants to be looked after, shun the grown up life - because home demands he be a grown up and look after his child and support his partner....I'm not blaming him if this is the case but it may show where you stand a bit clearer?

There are mental health carer's groups out there and they can be BRILLIANT - you meet people who have all sorts of circumstances and issues and you may find some support for you there; Rethink run them afaik; they're on-line.....

HTH?

Hi SSU

Thanks for your thoughts. I agree that I need to find some way of regaining some control. I liked your analogy of being washed around by the tide of his emotion.

Thanks for that info on Rethink too, their website is really good.

I don't think I deserve a medal, I just think I'm doing whatever I can to keep my family together.

Which in itself is odd as ordinarily I would take the path of least resistance! It must be the "mummy" effect......

I still haven't heard from him today and haven't succumbed to texting him so far. The last time this happened I didn't hear a thing for 3 weeks!

I am dreading Xmas and NY again this year. I know he just gets himself into a downward spiral of being ashamed of what he's done therefore cannot face me. I can't seem to get him to understand that the worst thing he can do is absent himself.

I think it's more about punishing himself, the whole hair shirt thing. He often says he wishes I hated him as it would make things easier for him.

Thanks again.

bumping this for any new perspectives.

am struggling to cope this week.

dd is ill, dh finally got in touch yesterday by text. i sent quite a strong text back telling him he needs to take some action to sort himself out for himself and how upsetting it is when he doesn't respond etc.

he texted back and agreed with me and promised to reply when i got in touch. i responded again and asked if he was seeing phsychiatrist, why he wasn't making plans to see dd but was trying to see his older kids etc.

nothing since.

i am this close to flaming him and ending our whole marriage on a bloody text for goodness sake!

dd is running snot, constantly whinging, not sleeping much past midnight, not eating much. my head is banging and i feel like i'm losing the plot.

supposed to be going to a birthday party this pm which is 1.5 hour drive. really want to go as i will go stir crazy here on my own but the weather is foul and dd will prob scream all the way there in the car.

arg!

bump.........

Paddlechick, don't have any useful help or advice just to say hang in there, hope you got out to the the party

Save making any big decisions until you're feeling a little clearer headed. Is there anywhere you acan get away to over the weekend to give yourself some time out? ( what I mean is do you have close family / friends ) not being nosey just avenues of support

So much for no advice hey pah to me!

hi doris

thanks for the response.

i did get to the party and it was fun but a bit sad seeing all the dads there too...........

i do have good support from friends and family but am conscious that this must be as tedious for them as it is for me! my mum tries to be great (well she is really) but she really winds me up with all the unspoken pity and judgements!

i did flame dh a little bit and warned him that he was on the way to losing us and his response - by text - was "let's hope Wales do better than Englad"!

how can i even begin to understand that.........

Hi PC,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. Can I give you the perspective of someone from the other side of the fence?

I've lived with depression all my life and I know how hard it is to live with me when I sink into one of my depressions. I am highly strung by nature and it doesn't take very much to tip me over the edge. By contrast, my dh is someone who's steady as a rock and he doesn't understand how I can't get out of my 'self-pity' phases. He accuses me of enjoying my depressive states.

For me, my dd has been one of the best things to happen to me as she stops me from focusing on myself all the time.

From experience, hard love tempered by understanding works best. If someone completely empathises with my negativity, it just means I become even more depressed. I think, being depressed is just a comfortable place for me to be when I'm faced with adversity.

And unfortunately, there's not much other people can do for me because I have to be able to snap out of the depression myself. Over the years, I've used meditation as a tool to look internally into myself and that has brought me some peace.

I should add that this depressive streak runs in the family and I personally think it's genetic.

I can't tell you what's the best course of action for you but I'll hope you'll be able to gain an insight into depression from my post. I also think it helps for you to understand what he goes through (if you don't already) by reading accounts of depression.
Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath really spoke to me. I could lend you that book if you want!

hi notsomellow

thanks so much for sharing your experience with me.

it does help to hear from someone who suffers. how does your DH deal with it?

sometimes i'm not sure if it's better that mine is not here as it might be even harder to witness his depression. but on the whole i would rather he were at home than not i guess.

i am really struggling to cope at the moment. dd is so unwell and just wants to cry on my knee. the house is a tip and i am back at work tomorrow. my head is banging and all i seem to be doing is shouting at dd and dragging her out of cupboards etc that she shouldn't be in.

bursting into tears constantly isn't helping LOL.

what's the definition of tough love tempered by understanding? i know "the pain and wisdom of silence" but am struggling to enforce that.

today i just feel like ringing him up and shouting down the phone "I'm not coping" with crying dd as a soundtrack. i find it so hard that he can just ignore us this way.

no on else in dh's family has depression and this has happened in the last 18 months to him - he's 43 btw.

i know he has said in the past that he is dealing with it in his own way but i am desperate to get him to some sort of treatment. he says he's tried meditation and he does a breathing excercise too but that seems to have stopped working.

i would very much like to borrow that book. shall i cat you? i'd pay for postage and promise to return it.

thanks again for your perspective. off to take some paracetemol and meet my brother at the science museum. he's lovely but very eccentric and quite hard work but it gets us out of the house!

Hi PC,

I'll email you.

thanks for email, will respond but in the meantime; doh!

an afternoon at science museum has done wonders for my mental state.

bro was very sweet with dd, took her off around all the interactive displays in the basement and she loved it.

we had a spot of lunch while she snoozed and actually had a very funny conversation. he really made me laugh!

am persuading him to sign up to a 'net dating site. he's been single for aeons and has custody of his teenagers and i always thought he wasn't interested in a serious relationship.

anyway, rambling again!

thanks for email, will reply a bit later....

glad u had a good time.

Hi Paddle, I've just emailed you