I am sure that Health anxiety has been talked about lots, but I am fairly new to MN and just need to get this out.
When I was eleven I got a dog. This dog was my life. I lived for this dog, I came home from school everyday to okay and walk him for miles. When I was 15 I met my BF and he soon fell in love with my dog and we almost became the new 'Famous 3!'. I am still with this person now nealry ten years later.
When my dog turned six, he became very poorly, had vets appointments for weeks until one day the vatal time came when I had to say goodbye. I carried him down our path, put him in the car, turned around and never breathed another word about him for two years. I avoided conversation about animals and even stopped my directed Debits to dog trust and the RSPCA.
Around a year later my sister inlaw was diagnosed with breast cancer. There was talks in my family if new diets. B17 rich foods etc. I immediately cut out all bad food from my diet and too this day have massive issues with white bread, beer, crisp n chocolate etc.
Two years later I became pregnant. I secretly went to two clairvoyants to try to find my dog because deep down I needed to move on because I was expecting my first child (a little boy). Not sure how much good this did me as a dog did come through both times but the descriptions wernt v good. By this time I had visited the GP around ten times in the last year with various concerns. Had break dowsdows dows in GP waiting rooms, even called myself a ambulance because I was always dizzy and I thought I had a brain tumour.
I had my DS and this is when worrying about my health stepped up again. I was put on tablets, given counciling sessions. But I lied at the counciling sessions saying I was getting better because basically I felt daft and really didn't like the attention from the councilor and I didn't want her spending her time thinking of how to help me and her starting to feel like she wasn't being very good at her job. (She was only young and only a couple of years qualified).
Iv gone on for the past four years now worrying about numerous things. Googling, looking for reassurance from others, asking opinions. I would need to start a new thread to write down exactly what I have worried about. I worry about my mum and dad dying. They are in there late sixties now. Every time my phone rings I jump out of my skin and touch the answer button thinking its a phone call to say one if then has died.
I can't sit still. I fidget, if I'm still I feel like food inside me is going stagnent and will turn into cancer or heart disease. My house looks like a show home bcz I am constantly moving about cleaning.I walk af fast as I can and push my pram like a maniac (iv just had another baby seven months ago) so that my heart beats really fast. I can't lie in bed or sit still. I have to be up dressed and feeling fresh and moving around.
My cycles have been irregular since having my baby and this has driven me crazy. I received a letter in feburary explaining that my first smear was due. Reciciening thisetter is something I have worried about for years and since February sent me into a panic. I had it in July and the results came back as normal. Since the day I had my smear and recieving the letter I hardly ate and I craved just to lie in bed and sleep. I had a panic attack the other day in the middle if a castle we was visiting because I received a phone call saying my appointment with the gyno had been moved to a later date because the clinic can not run on the date they had originally given me. My OH had to lock me in the fuckin dungeon whilst I sobbed and rocked so my DS didn't see. Being locked in the dungeon sounds funny, but believe me I know how the old prisoners back then would have bleeding felt.
GP put me on tablets other week again but they did nothing. I persisted with them for three weeks but I really don't want to become addicted because I really do have the capabilities for this to happen to me.
I went out with my friend last night and got v drunk. I never do this, but after the first drink I liked not worrying. I didn't feel my breast, go to the toilet checking for blood in my underwear, and I even slepted with my OH when I got back and didn't check for any bleeding afterwards. However we. I got back I did hysterically crying into his arms apparently and sobbed telling him how fed up I am of worrying. I remember lieing on the rug and howling. My friend had to put me in a taxi early because I had hurredous belly ache, which tbh I think is because she told me her aunty had pantriatic cancer.
I don't think (yet) my DS is being affected by my anxiety. I am very very good at hiding it. My friends don't know how I feel, I can only describe it as a radio in the back of my mind shouting WHAT IF WHAT IF WHAT IF. I feel like everyone brains have a number of doors. These doors get opened now and again but can be shut. My 'worrying about health' door is wide open. I suppose I am a bit if a worryier about other things, money, what people think of me but nothing like this. Since receiving my smear letter saying the results were normal I have manically spent a bomb on my house. My back garden looks like something out if a magazine.
I said its not affecting my DS, however actually he said to my OH this morning. 'Let's have a panic attack!!'.
Oh shit, what a mess.