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Mental health

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Original poster

Has anyone else seriously contemplated leaving their children?

36 replies

fourthattempt · 21/11/2006 21:49

and, if so, did you stay? At the moment, I think I'm only here because a) they would be so sad if I wasn't and b) I seriously believe DH couldn't cope with them on his own. I'm needed but it doesn't make me feel good. It just makes me feel desperate.

Sorry.

OP posts:

bananaloaf · 21/11/2006 21:56

have you someone in rl to talk to

Original poster

fourthattempt · 21/11/2006 22:06

I've tried talking to DH - he just doesn't get it. Tonight he's out with old friends (fair enough) but I was supposed to be out tonight as well. But the kids are both ill so I had to cancel the babysitter I'd had to arrange to enable us to both have a night out and so on and so on and so on .... He's a good person and a good father but I cannot seem to get it into his head that OUR children are our SHARED responsibility. Don't want to get revenge on him or proove a point ... I'm just exhausted.

OP posts:

SarahOxon · 21/11/2006 22:08

I don't think you should consider this as an option. You don't say how old they are but if they are young, they would be hurt so badly. There must be another way for you to go forward. What is making you want to leave so badly?

magnolia1 · 21/11/2006 22:10

Oh Sweetheart, I have actually done it I had 3 dd's at the time. The twins were 18 months old and I had awful PND. I got to the stage where I just upped and left, I wasn't even clear in my head a the time as to what I was doing but just knew I had to leave.
I had about 4 weeks of hell and didn't speak to anyone or see anyone just went completely off the rails
Finally something snapped and I turned up at my parents house. I went to the doctors after a few days went back on Ad's (which I had stopped when the wins were a year old.)
Me and Dh stayed seperated for just over a year but I got myself togther and the girls stayed witth me for 3 days and him for 4 days which went on for almost a year.
I broke Dh's heart and nearly tthrew my whole life away I am so incredibly lucky that he was persistent and loyal and understaning ect... He was thankfully a much better dad at the time than I was a mum.
But i can admit now that I think every day of how much I regret leaving

Please talk to your Dh, and your gp. Yes your family need you but you need you too xxxxxx

SarahOxon · 21/11/2006 22:11

I know how you feel. I have just sat down, with two ill children and a DH abroad on business. It IS exhausting. I was chatting to my friend about this today and we agreed that even with great DHs which we have, sometimes men just don't get it. It sounds like you could do with alittle time out. Have you got any family who could take the burden for a few days?

herbidacious · 21/11/2006 22:11

yes i was going to leave but it was a symptom of being in an awful relationship and feeling desperately miserable and taken for granted. it's a horrible feeling, you have my sympathy and thoughts

bananaloaf · 21/11/2006 22:15

i have felt like you recently and could leave my children and my husband and just retuen to being me.

scampadoodle · 21/11/2006 22:24

Yes, I have. I am torn between thinking deep down that I am no good for them & a not very nice mother, and knowing that they would be devasted if I left. The latter fact does nothing to boost my confidence as even kids who are abused still love their mothers... (I don't abuse my kids by the way; I'm 'just' permanently shattered & bad-tempered & vile)

Original poster

fourthattempt · 21/11/2006 22:30

That's how I feel too. It doesn't help that I love my children a million billion (as I tell them every day) and they love me back as only little children do. "You are my best Mummy in the whole world" and "I love you right up to the very last number, Mummy". It just makes me feel that I can't do anything about my situation. I never thought I would ever say this but I can kind of understand why women commit suicide and take their children with them. At least then the little ones won't have the pain of dealing with the death of their mother.

OP posts:

Judy1234 · 21/11/2006 22:32

Have you seen your GP about it? It's probably not the circumstances but clinical depression.

Also anyone who "lets" men get away with this mind of thing really has to take personal responsibility for the consequences. You could have said sorry I'm going out - you need to cancel or find a babysitter - bye bye and left. Then he'll realise it's shared. Getting to that shared position is an interesting art and isn't just a question of men offering.

Judy1234 · 21/11/2006 22:33

If you feel like suicide call the Samaritans.. now. Also children recover from the death of a parent. It is never fair or right or worth them dying because a parent wrongly assumes the parent is irreplaceable.

Women abandoning children is more common than people think. A lot of single fathers are in that position.

magnolia1 · 21/11/2006 22:36

fourthattempt: I know you said Dh isn't listening. How old are the kids? Can you talk to another family member or possibly write it all down?
I was lucky that when I left it had nothing to do with Dh, It really was me and my pnd. I would say though don't rush into anything. Try to arrange childcare (maybe your mum or sister? instead of Dh) and get some time to yourself.

aliceband · 21/11/2006 22:38

Are you calling for help, get your DH to help out... i know exactly how you feel, i feel if i split from DH then at least he could look after them at weekends.

Original poster

fourthattempt · 21/11/2006 22:49

I'm not feeling suicidal. I wouldn't ever harm a hair on my children's heads. I'm just saying I can now understand the feelings that might lead someone to do that.

I do not have any family nearby. I am lucky in that we can afford (and have in place) part-time childcare for my youngest who recently turned 3. But I have been at home with one or other child (sometimes both), with an illness, for about 4 weeks now. In all that time DH has taken one day off work (and that was on one of the few days the eldest was actually well enough to go to school).

I've had endless conversations with DH about it all. But the bottom line is he has 3 or 4 times the earning capacity that I do and 3 or 4 times less patience with the children than me. So I SAH and he works. He is also unable to make any sort of decision without running it past me first ("should I have pudding?") and gets home from work and wants to chat. I am too tired to chat, too tired to think, too tired to do anything. I've never suffered from depression in my life and I'm in my mid-forties. Could this be it now?

OP posts:

magnolia1 · 21/11/2006 22:54

Sounds like a complete lack of support and possible depression. Talk to your G.p xxxxx

Children are tiring and hard work at the best of times so it must be ever so demanding to have them Ill for 4 weeks. Would he really not be able to cope if you left them with him for an afternoon each week??

Original poster

fourthattempt · 21/11/2006 22:58

Xenia - I gather you are a controverial figure on MN (some people don't like your no-nonsense style) and I would say watch how you phrase things. I don't feel I should have to "not let" my DH get away with anything. Why should I negotiate everything with him? I do enough of that all day with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. I'm not going to go into the ins and outs of what happened with our night out, but basically his was based in town after work, mine was going to close to home. I decided to cancel the babysitter about an hour before I was due to go out - he would not have been able to get home in that time, even if I'd asked him to.

But if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have to worry about any of this bollocks.

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/11/2006 23:01

yes many times felt like your OP.

its rubbish isn't it?

ah well.

Twohootsunderthemistletoe · 21/11/2006 23:03

FA - yes if I'm honest. There are times I think in my head "I could just walk away and never come back" but I know in my heart that I couldn't do it (and wouldn't want to - I'd miss her within 10 mins!!). I desperately miss the person I was before I had DD though - it's like a part of me died. My DH works away a lot (and has a fairly easy time when he is away tbh) and basically I feel his life hasn't changed that much whereas mine has in a big, big way. I was v independent before having my DD and worked etc - now I am a sahm (which I know I should feel lucky to be able to do) and feel isolated at times (family 160 miles away). Thank god for toddler groups etc!!

Having a child is the most stressful, exhausting thing I have ever done/had in my life but it also the most rewarding, exhilarating thing too. There are days I could throttle DD (not literally of course) but then there are times when I look at her and count my lucky stars that I have her as she really is a little miracle.

My plan is to leave DD with DH this Saturday and go out for a few hours on my own (he doesn't know yet!). I'll feel much better for it on Saturday night (and will have missed DD like anything when I return!!).

Sorry to dribble on... Sounds like you need to get your DH to realise that bringing up your children isn't a one person job!

somersetmum · 21/11/2006 23:09

No, but I know someone who walked out on her dh and two year-old son. I was good friends with her at school. She just got up one morning and left. She ended up becoming an air stewardess. Her ex has remarried and her little boy is now being brought up by another girl who was also in our year at school.
We moved away so I haven't seen her since it happened (about six years ago now), but my mum still has contact with her mum. I think its really sad and I just can't believe she did it.

Saturn74 · 21/11/2006 23:10

I've often contemplated how it would feel not to have so much responsibility, but I've not got as far as seriously thinking about leaving.

I think the day to day stuff can really grind you down, and having to be 'Mummy' is sometimes really hard, especially when you're tired, or the children are ill, or you feel unsupported.

Sometimes I think back to before I had children and wonder why I didn't roam the entire world in five inch heels and a micro-mini - cos I sure as hell aint gonna get the chance now!

I think it's completely natural to adore your children, your partner, your life, yet find it all really, really tough at times.

Pruni · 21/11/2006 23:12

Message withdrawn

aliceband · 21/11/2006 23:13

when they are ill is really awful, but 4 weeks, that is too much. You need a break. A bit of "me" time, if only a day. i am sure it will make a difference and put things back into perspective.

Pruni · 21/11/2006 23:13

Message withdrawn

Twohootsunderthemistletoe · 21/11/2006 23:24

Thanks Pruni I think everyone has hit the nail on the head the 'responsibility' on a 24/7 basis can be overwhelming at times.

FA - I'd be going nuts if I'd had 4 weeks of illness with DD. I've had 10 days or so before and I was pulling my hair out. We both need to get out the house most days otherwise we go insane - both of us !

handlemecarefully · 22/11/2006 00:00

I felt totally drained and miserable like this about a year ago when dd had suffered croup, dh had contracted pneumonia and ds has been hospitalised with dehydration following d&v. I am almost sure that the intensity of negative feelings that you have now are due to the really thoroughly crappy last 4 weeks you've experienced ..and these feelings should pass.

But do please see your GP lest it is the basis of an enduring depression

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