just feeling sad again

[lonelyandblue]

the crushing responsibility of motherhood is really wearing me down.
i have 3 small dc and the 'hard' bits, like disciplining and explaining why and hating myself when i lose it and shout and wanting desperately not to damage them, while all the time wanting secretly to run away and just get some peace...
i cant even construct a sentence its all so difficult.
have just started therapy/counselling and last appt was really hard and i feel so sad and damaged by my childhood and i cant bear to do that to them (i wasnt abused or anything i was just... oh i dunno.

i have no idea why i want to post this, i just feel i need to say it to someone.

Hi there lonelyandblue, sorry you're feeling so low, its so hard sometimes (actually all the time!) isn't it? Would suggest that you really perservere with the therapyu as its very worthwhile, was my lifeline when I had PND after my DS (now 2). You don't say how old yours are or whether you have a DH/DP living with you - if so worth a try for some support. IMO its perfectly normal to want to run away and sod off. Just hang in there and try and focus on the good stuff (I love you Mummy being my personal favourite), if its all too much then please, please call samaritans/health visitor/GP and ask for some additional support. I know its hard to ask as we all expect ourselves to be perfect but you don't have to - since having DS I've realised why you don't remember the first few years very well.

Its OK to feel like you do and I wouldpester your HV for access to some support such as a PND support group (or just other Mum's to talk to). Is there anyone you can go to with the kids and just veg while they get on with it? If you can, get someone to look after them and go out for some "me" time even if its just to walk round the park/shopping centre/tesco without them it will give you some breathing space. Enough of me wittering on now want to get this posted so you know you're not on your own...

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thank you so much for your answers. im sitting here in floods of tears just in gratitude to be spoken to. i sound so pathetic.
im not single. i hvae a lovely dp who is not home yet. he takes v good care of me and we love each other to bits but its hard to talk to him about feeling down. i think it threatens his own ebility to effectively shove his own (not common) days of blue-ness under the carpet without looking too hard at them. fair play to him, if that works for him. have tried to convince him thats not the way to do things but who the hell am i to know?? its not like im gonna win any happyprizes, am i??

and i do get time to get out on my own. i must make sure that i do that more (i often dont)

i just got off the phone to my sister who was wonderful and supportive and soothing and do feel marginally stronger.

its just the stuff we talked about in counselling - it feels so raw, so painful and its just a bit hard to put on a smile and be normal, calm, caring mama. at least my kids get to tell me that they are not happy with my angry behaviour which is more than i would have risked with my mother. theyre all asleep now.

am filled with a strong desire to kick my mothers face in - but hey, im sure it'll pass.

thanks again for answering me. its v cathertic, writing this.

Hi there

It's the hardest job in the world, and the loneliest sometimes. Last Friday I felt like sh** but this week am feeling better so I just wanted to say that there will be good days and bad days and you'll struggle to fathom why. But there are loads of people on here who can lend an ear and a shoulder. I think that's the hardest part sometimes, just feeling that there is no-one around to talk to.

virtual hugs comin at ya

thank you voluptuagoodshag. may i compliment you on the truly fantastic name there?

you are right. i have many good days, the bad are fewwer than the good. the other day, with stonking hangover no less, i was giggling like a nutcase at everything and even my mother behaving like a shrivelled shit didnt stop me, so its not all bad, not by a long shot

i just... well thank f'ing something that mn is here because for years and years i didnt have an outlet for feeling like that and it was not pretty to feel that way all the time. i am on the way up now, thanks to people taking the time to be kind

so truly, i cannot thank you each enough

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