Anxiety, self-sabotage

[Fruitbaseddrinkforalady]

I think I have probably low level general anxiety disorder. I've had it as long as I can remember, so it's never really been noticed, if that make sense. I always assume I'm the one in the wrong, I'm to blame, I'm going to get a bollocking, I've done a crappy job, I don't know what I'm talking about. I didn't even realise there was anything out of the ordinary until a few years ago, and even then I didn't really think too much about it. I had one major, episode I suppose you'd call it, when I was 17, doing my final exams in school. For three or four weeks I didn't sleep, couldn't eat, and was a complete wreck, but only 2 people noticed, friends in school, but not my family, teachers, anyone else. My friends were lovely, but they had as little clue as I did, so eventually I just got over it and life continued. I'm a coper and a people pleaser and I've always just got on with it, hidden what I needed to and plodded on. I'm the one other people turn to and lean on, not the one who needs help.

No one, my family, DH, anyone, would have a clue how I feel day to day. I hide it well, even from myself. I've been faking it for more than 30 years now, but I still have no idea how to make it real. But it's getting harder and harder and I'm exhausted and sick with it. I've had a rock in the pit of my stomach for about a week now. I've been going out running a lot to try to get rid of it, but I'm not sleeping and all I can think about are the things I'm not doing (work mainly) and how I need to do it, but I'm absolutely terrified of doing it and getting it wrong. Part of me knows I'm being ridiculous and I just need to get on with it (eating an elephant and all that) but I can't seem to take the first step. I'm honestly thinking about just handing in notice to my client (self employed) instead of dealing with this.

I should probably go to the gp about it, but it seems so ridiculous and I should just be able to get over it. I have a pretty good understanding of how and why I'm like this (I have a lovely and loving family, but I got lost in the middle of the overall dynamics) and I don't know that I want to go through a whole process to talk through my life - I just want to feel better, stop being so irritated and snappy and not want to throttle everyone. I try so hard with the children, but I feel like I'm failing them, DH, work, my family, friends, everyone, at every turn.

Just saw your post.

How are you, OP?

You described your feelings very well, and I recognized many things in my own head.

Have you tried beta-blockers? GP prescribed me some, but I'm not sure if I'd consider them helpful for me or not.

Unlike you I have told DH how I feel. What stops you from being open with yours?

Hi Fruit. You have suffered with this for a long time, and relied on various 'coping strategies' to date to mask your anxiety from others.

I wonder if therapy is the better option for you as feeling you're always in the wrong, always to blame, worrying about doing things and getting them wrong can become very ingrained over such a long period of time. Have you ever tried this route before?

Thanks for the replies. I'm feeling better this week - not right, but better than when I posted. Feeling ok, like I do now, makes me feel like a fraud when I feel like I did.

I had that meeting that I was so stressed about and it was absolutely fine. Cordial, constructive, professional. No one was remotely dismissive or aggressive and it was a good and useful session. I was absolutely euphoric for about 2 days after it, and but I'm starting to feel lost and unfocussed again.

JammyDodger, I went to see someone a few years ago, when my parents divorced and I was having a very difficult time, and she was lovely and I think I could have found it useful but I moved and I never followed up. Something did come out of it, recognising my "invisibility" in my family/world, which I think scared me. I'm not sure if i'm afraid of it and what it might bring up, or too exhausted at the thought of dealing with all of it.

ROAR, I think I'm terrified of anyone (everyone), especially DH, knowing that I'm not the person they think I am. That they won't want or need or even like that version of me. Rationally I know that's probably unlikely, but still...

Thanks to you both, though, nice to know someone is "listening".