DC2 survived bacterial meningitis 2 and a bit years ago, a couple of months before turning 2. DC3, my precious, precious rainbow baby was bluelighted to hospital with suspected meningitis 7 months ago. Penicillin injection in the ambulance, straight to resus, heart rate well above 200 for hours, raging fever. It was horrendous.
Less than a month later I came down with septic pneumonia and spent a week in critical care. I wasn't very with it a lot of the time, and things were scary and not particularly well explained while they were happening, and when I asked about bits and pieces of my care afterwards, I got replies like "oh it was just a normal sepsis reaction" and "we can't really say for sure". The only one who was even in the slightest willing to give me details was the microbiologist who isolated the bacteria in my blood, and the radiologist who tried to locate the infection. My discharge notes were even more vague than that, the first saying that I had had pneumonia and possibly a septic reaction, possibly contamination, the second saying I had had a septic illness, possibly pneumonia.
I was discharged as soon as I could stand up straight and hobble to the toilet across the corridor, and needed a further 3 courses of strong antibiotics to clear up the odd noise my lungs were making every time I breathed in and out.
I suffered horrendous pain in my chest for the next 6 months and got fobbed off a lot, generally still feel like crap and struggle to breathe every time I do anything in the slightest way strenuous or if I get a cold.
GP just keeps offering me repeat chest xrays which now show nothing.
Over the last few weeks, my anxieties that have reared their head every so often have been bad. I am terrified that one of my dcs will die every time I take my eyes off them, or if I can't hear them. And I have flashbacks of hospital, treatments and how scared I was.
I'm grumpy and snappy and short tempered, and oh so tired all the time.
I'm also being treated for anaemia, but I don't think it's working at all, because I just feel worse.
The last two days have been particularly bad, lots and lots of flashbacks, palpitations, feeling teary and having the desire to cut myself, something I haven't done for years, just to feel a bit more in control.
I'm going to ring for an appointment with my GP tomorrow, I think, but I'm scared that she will be as dismissive over this as with the pain in my chest.
No real point to this post but I feel I need to "say it out loud" somewhere.