I don't know how to fix me... Does it have to be happy pills?

[Tobermory]

I don't know where to start.

I'm a mess right now and don't know how to get myself better and back to 'normal'

My job is stressful. I work ft and find it incredibly difficult (impossible?) to juggle home and the job. It's all consuming and I find it hard to successfully put my family first. Life tends to b full on Monday to Friday, we screech through the week. The then weekend when we have some family time and try to redress the balance. Back in feb I felt quite close to the edge but held it together.

Then we moved house. It was a difficult process, lots of stopping and starting. Even a week before it almost come to a halt. I was v apprehensive before we moved about the place we were moving to. We moved, leaving th house that had been my family home, both my parents had died and so it became my family's home. I'd lived there, on and off for 40 odd years (my youngest dd thinks I'm only 24 though!)

Pretty much since we moved in I've been anxious, crying a lot, feeling down. I've been to the Drs a few times , was signed off from work. I've been given some drugs, diazepam, for as and when. He offered my ADs but I'm scared of them. I've sorted out a counsellor, had one app and another on Thursday.

I thought I was feeling better. I went int school today and just wept. I feel so guilty... About the bad choices we've made, about leaving the house, disrupting my children's lives. About being messed up and how this is impacting my husband. About not being able to do a job I've done for 17 years.

I don't know how to accept what we've done and look forwards. How to get myself back to work and being able to do my job.

I've been given Fluoxetine.

I know I should take them, need to stop these very negative waves of lowness and feeling so sad.
I will start them in the morning.

Your posts are very helpful, thank you x

I'm on fluoxetine (have been for about 3 years) and in my experience it's one of the less drowsy-making ones. It's also one of the oldest and best-researched SSRIs (which is why they prescribe it to pregnant ladies like me )

I assume they've started you on the lowest dose - that's usually 20mg or one tablet a day.

Happy to help in any way I can x

Glad that your GP has been helpful OP.

I'd still recommend the CBT book too if you can. It is not dull like some CBT books I've tried and given up with.
The exercises are really easy honestly' effective so quickly...I bought an A5 notebook to do them in...mostly you are writing your thought, identifying the 'cognitive distortions' and then writing a more 'realistic' response, it really lifts your mood.

A quick example of the 'Triple Column' technique might be :-

THOUGHT: 'I've wasted my life'...
COGNITIVE DISTORTIONS: 'all or nothing thinking', 'catastrophizing'. RATIONAL RESPONSE: 'I have achieved many things in my life, including raising a family...so how can I have wasted my life??'

You also have quick questionnaires to assess your own level of depression (I just photocopy the page), makes you realise you are not imagining that you are depressed! You can keep doing questionnaires and usually notice your depression improving as you work through the exercises.

There is also a great chapter on dealing with your 'core beliefs'...so beliefs you have picked up, often from the society you live in, such as 'I need to always try to be perfect', 'my life is not worth living without a partner/love' 'people who achieve more are more worthwhile'....so you do a questionnaire to identify your own core beliefs and then you look at why these beliefs are also distorted thinking, argue against them, realise how they are negatively impacting on your life and causing depression, as you give up on these beliefs, you will start to feel a lot better!!
I myself am doing some exercises now, it's been a while since I've done some and have gotten myself quite down! If you are prone to negative thinking it is something you will need to keep working at and your depression WILL lift

www.amazon.co.uk/Feeling-Good-New-Mood-Therapy/dp/0380810336/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436368292&sr=1-1&keywords=feeling+good

Gourmet, the cognitive distortion you used in your example is IT.
I've just... 2 minutes ago thought 'I've completely ruined my children's lives in moving here'

I'm going to.amazon right now.

And knit, yes 20mg.
Have got my basket out for this evening when my DD s go to bed...

Tobermory, that's great, I'm sure you won't regret getting the book .

Your thought there is very likely to make you depressed..very normal for someone feeling depressed to have these type of thoughts...very 'all or nothing thinking'...also 'fortune teller error'..you are 'catastrophizing' and believe you can see into the future and know that your childrens' lives are ruined...when you don't know that!
It's more likely you children will have a period of adjustment, might be a bit difficult...not completely terrible though! This is the kind of thing you will be writing to yourself when you get going with the book.

I love your blanket, looks like the Ripple blanket?

It is - cottage I think (started it months ago) with slight variation in stripe widths.

I heart attic 24!

I've found a TED Talk by the author of the book, Dr David Burns! (not seen this myself yet, but love Ted Talks!)

I don't crochet, just knit a bit, love Attic 24 too! Love crochet blankets!

Ooh a lovely attic24 ripple! I also like little tin bird - she's a mum of two, makes lovely crochet things and has been really open about struggling with pnd.

You've got some meds, you've ordered a book, you've recognised a negative black and white though and you've picked up your crochet - all in ONE DAY. You should be flipping proud of yourself! You are going to beat this

That's the cottage colour pack isn't it? [nerd emoticon]

Try not to put to much pressure on yourself and also Try to get as much you time, even the likes of a bath with some smellys in,relaxing breathing in for 4 out for 6

As said try to take no notice of the negative thoughts there only thoughts that arnt your thoughts really it's the illness that's making you think like this.
Try explain to hubby the way you are at the mo,you don't mean what your saying sometimes and you may be weepy,angry,frustrating it's part of the illness.

Re ADs you will possible feel worse before you start to feel better, but you've got the diazepam to help you along in the first couple of weeks. Also push yourself to eat (if you've lost your appetite) soup,cereal,toast. And rest when you feel tired.

Take care x

2 days in, 2 tablets taken.
I feel less fraught, fewer of those extreme thoughts... A bit numb really?
On the plus side my blanket is 4 lines longer and yesterday I went to see my counsellor. It was really interesting, I learnt a lot about me and how I deal with things and the pressures I put on myself. I'm doing a lot of thinking about that and how I move on and get stronger.

I never thought in a million years I would accept ADs till I got so stressed I couldn't even go to the shop without a panic attack, I am now on citalopram and wish I'd got them a long time ago, I didn't realise how far from my normal self I had become until I started 'coming back' as the drugs started working. I will proudly tell people of my drugs as I'm just so happy to be getting back to myself. Please don't think they're a bad thing, more friends than I realised have now admitted they've been on them for years!

LMGTFY I thought the same. It still feels quite momentous, probably more so than it actually is.

Talk of panic attacks reminded me about yesterday, I was supposed to be going for a walk, it was a nice day and I thought it'd be nice to get out in the countryside. I needed to put the washing out first...hanging stuff on the line I was so panicked. Heart racing, I had to really talk myself down. Why on earth was I panicking in my own garden? so I came inside and watched daytime TV instead.

Kalms take the edge of a panic for me, however they are now so so rare 5 months into the pills. Take your time, things will get better

Hi Tober just found this thread and can relate to much of what you have written. I have been very up and down this year, started the year feeling awful, panicky all the time, feeling sick and overwhelmed.

I saw the Dr and was also given fluoxetine but had an awful reaction to them, threw up non stop for nearly 2 weeks - I only took 2 tablets!! So am thinking ADs are not for me, I have also gone in for some private counselling (am fortunate that my parents have helped me pay for it.)

Thought I was doing o.kay but then today have woken up with the same crappy feelings I get so frustrated with feeling like this!! Have ordered the David Burns book and also the Louise hay book you can heal your life which really helped me when I was a teenager so am thinking re reading now might help.