I've had depression all my adult life. I've become pretty good at dealing with it - giving myself time and space to recover, as well as becoming quite resilient to challenges in life. But a few years back I went through a bad phase - my meds were causing my thyroids to become underactive, and the process to find some new meds was long and difficult (got there, eventually!).
During this bad phase, I was exhibiting classic depression symptoms (irrational thinking, very sensitive and emotional (crying a lot), thinking about the worse-case scenarios of everything, not sleeping well...etc etc). I ended up getting into an email conversation with one of my best friends and said a lot of things which were hurtful to her, and which, in retrospect, I truly regret. But what was said was said, and I can't change that. It took me a while to feel better, and to fully acknowledge the consequences of my actions. I've tried to forgive myself, because what I did/said was influenced by my poor mental health. But that doesn't stop me hurting and missing the friend that I have lost.
I wrote the friend an email to apologise and explain. I had hoped that as they'd known me throughout my childhood, seen me go through periods of depression (although none as bad as this) and is a practicing psychologist, with time they would forgive me. I tried to balance giving her space and time to respond and at one stage, things were looking up. But then one evening we spoke on the phone and she told me that she had forgiven me for what I had said/written, but no longer cared for me as a friend and did not want me in her life. And that was that.
Over 2 years passed. I still feel like I'm mourning our friendship. She's since got married and is now expecting her first child - and I'm so pleased for her, but also sad that I'm not able to celebrate with her. Our mutual friends feel a bit awkward - not being able to talk about her around me and visa versa. We saw each other for the first time a few months ago at a party - it was super awkward, we were both nervous and after an awkward 'hi' we ignored each other for the rest of the night.
I have to accept her decision to not want me in her life, because it's her choice and clearly is what she feels is best for her. But that doesn't stop me feeling sad, hurt and full of regret. I'm still having difficulty in just accepting this loss and letting it be...
Has anyone had to deal with similar issues? Any advice?
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
Lost friendship due to depression
3 replies
MrsRiggins · 02/07/2015 13:40
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.